the uncomfortable kind of honesty

can i be honest?
i wish i could talk to you about this so, so badly.
you were there for the beginning....i wish you could be here for the end.


today at work, stacey was talking about her wedding. she asked me what i registered for, all specific. and so i started to tell her, and it took me back. back to nearly three years ago now, before everything was ruined. back to when i was engaged, and derek and i were so blissfully in love. so in love, we wondered what we'd ever fight about. so in love, he'd write me the kind of love letters you sort of always dream of getting. i thought back to the time we spent perusing the aisles of target and bed, bath&beyond, looking for the things we'd fill our home with.


i felt sick to my stomach.



i'll be selling all of it. all of the dishes, the silverware, the tablecloths and decorations. the wall sconce i was so stoked to register for, the griddle and pots and pans. everything that was derek's and mine, will be gone.



and then...i suppose at some point, i'll do it all over again, with someone else? the idea makes me want to cry. it doesn't make me happy. no one will want to buy us what's on our registry this time, because i've already been married once. that's not the part that bothers me, though.

the part that bothers me is that i'm going to build a life, all over again.


with someone else.


it still hurts to think about. but maybe one day, i'll be happy about it instead.

confession.

when derek and i decided to split up, you were the first person i wanted to tell.

congratulations, you just lost...

tonight at dinner...with my parents, sister and nana&papa...

i sort of realized, as it came up, that next month i turn twenty-three...



i'm going to be divorced at twenty-three....



when i said that, my papa said something that made me feel better. nana did, too. i realized that nobody i cared about was going to judge me. and that matters more than anything.

random

it's supposed to snow tonight. and tomorrow. and the next day...



i'm so full of spring fever i might burst, but the weather doesn't heed anyone, especially me ;) or else it would have heeded my request to please snow during the Christmas season...which it really didn't....

anywayyyy


i'm sitting here at my parent's house, having just read three harry potter books within the last few days (one of the good things that's come out of my being sick)

i've had just enough strength pretty much to get to work, be okay there, and then come home and nap for a couple of hours. even as i write, it's close to my "bed time".


the minute i feel better, i'm going shopping. a lot of my clothes don't fit that great anymore since i've lost so much weight. i bought myself some new jeans last week, and it was like an epic effort to even try jeans on at all. i decided shopping is more fun when you're not nearly passing out trying on jeans....so yeah....


anyway, not much else to say. i'm going to start the LAST harry potter book....and i'm sad to start it all over! i was bawling when i read the end of half-blood prince today. i forgot how much the movies leave out.



time to snuggle up with my books :D

they call me miss rachel....

i love the kids in my class, can i just say that?
i think i have the best job in the world.



i can't believe i ever lived without it.


having a job is so much better than not having a job (duh)
i know that everyone knows that, i just sorta wish i could go back to myself a year ago, grab myself by the shoulders and give myself a good slap in the face, while saying that.

i was so scared of having a job while i was unemployed, i made up every excuse in the world to not have one. i didn't want to have to wake up early, so avoided any job that might start in the morning. "i'm young, i want to stay up late and do whatever i want," i used to say. embarrassing, i know. i sounded like a teenager. i'm sure derek loved hearing that haha

i used to also scare myself into thinking that with my ibs, i could never hold a regular job. i told everyone i was in too much pain to work. such a facepalm. even when i'm in pain, i love being at work. it helps keep my mind off of it, in fact.

i'm just blessed. i know it's hard to find jobs right now, and i realize how much of a blessing it is that i have one i love so much.


and the kids, they call me miss rachel....and it melts my little heart :D

when life decides to be different than what you planned...

i think you can feel two ways:



really angry, because Life had the nerve to pull tricks on you when you were unsuspecting

or:



accepting...and okay, because after all....you're still going to be okay.



i'm still going to be okay. i'm not sure what's going on with my health right now, but i feel at total peace anyway because i've had some really incredible blessings. i trust the Lord's plan. i know that His will is what will happen, and that it will all work out.

even though derek and i are separated, i trust that it's the right thing. i love being his friend, and i'm so blessed that we are still going to be friends and can still be there for each other. being back at home, and with my family, i feel at peace that right now this is exactly where i'm meant to be.



my job is wonderful, all of the people in my life (including derek and his family) are so wonderful, and even though most people might look at my life right now and think, "wow, that sucks." i'm oddly happy. and at peace.


peace.
i cannot stress enough the peace i feel. and it's the first time in a long, long time that i've felt this way.



life, no matter how difficult, can still be happy. we can still be alright.


we just need the faith.




i feel like such a different person than i was months ago. it's weird. but you know what? i feel like i'm finally ME. i'm finally someone i LIKE to be, someone i'm PROUD to be.




it's wonderful.

the end

it hurts. so much. but i have to trust it's right.

holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head....

stumbled on this today..... so true. what's the point? the amount of grudges i used to hold....the weird competitiveness i would feel with people.....such a waste of time and energy.


all i want to focus on is the people i love. people only affect you if you LET them....so why do it?

that your burdens may be light

so.....i've been sick for over four weeks.

horribly, 'i've had to take way too much time off of work, been confined to my parent's living room couch, lost enough weight that i guess i could take up a career in modeling' sick....


the irony? i really couldn't care less about the weight loss....if anything, it's freaked me out....


lying here, i'm wondering what's going to happen on tuesday. what i'm going to learn has been going on. i've been praying a lot. praying that this burden can be lightened, because for whatever reason it's apparently right for me to be sick right now. i'm not sure why, but i trust in the Lord. he knows a lot more than i do......




sometimes life really does hurt, or suck. my sister broke up with her boyfriend, and i wish that my being sick could take away the pain of the break up for her. that somehow, it could count for her suffering too. of course, it doesn't work that way.



although someone has already suffered for us both. and that's who i'm leaning on right now.


until this is over, i just want to be able to endure it well.

of sickness and surgery

so.....i'm still sick. or rather, got sick again. the doctors have no idea what's going on. i'm going in for my first "surgical procedure" next week....if i'm not dead by then lol.





it's not really that funny....i've been scared....but i've had a couple of blessings that have really made me feel like i'll be okay....i'm just not sure when.



prayers/good thoughts/whatever would be appreciated.