in which, my disdain for romance is challenged a little.

well so, everyone knows i'm not a romantic person.

my myspace url was "anti_romantic" back in the day....and we all know our myspace pages in the old days tell who we really are ;)

no but seriously...the whole antiromantic thing has kind of always been and it seems it always will be. i fail at feelings, and seeing other people not failing at feelings usually just makes me want to crack lame jokes, or puke a little, or run from the room screaming.

my sister and her fiance, though, are a whole different story. and maybe it's because when it comes to love, THEY ARE a whole different story.

and they're a long story, one that's not really mine to be telling about on my blog at two am in the morning. but it IS mine to say that seeing them in love makes me understand why people act like love is such a big deal. they make me see why people think pledging their lives to each other isn't an absolutely insane idea. they make me see that i don't want anything less than what i see that they have together, and that it's perfectly okay to NOT settle for anything less, which i've never wanted to do anyway.
but they're a good reminder for me, always, in case i ever struggle with that, because hey one thing i've learned these past few years is you never know what life is going to throw your way. and you're never too smart to do something stupid every once in awhile.

but you're never too stupid to deserve something great, either. and not that jenn and tyson have ever been really stupid. but man, i have been. have i EVER. and i need to see that, there are people who have waited for something amazing for maybe just a little bit while they lived their lives, and guess what? it WAS there waiting for them.

so, my recent stupidities aside. my many failures and seemingly endless missteps. i am one of those people who loves my own company and has no problem "being alone" romantically because i am fulfilled in so many other ways. but maybe someday, some kind of love will be there for me. and i'm grateful for my sister and her fiance for showing me why it's worth caring about and maybe even hoping for. and above all else, i am SO happy for them, anything about me totally aside.

so guess what.....hooray for love, for like two seconds.....i'll give that little cheer for romance.

then i'll duck behind the door and laugh a little, because that's what i do. ;)

happiness

nothing beats it, kids.

after a really hard last couple of months, i'm feeling like myself again. sometimes, our unhappiness is self-made, and i'll admit that my recent bout most certainly was.

but, how can i be unhappy? spring is full upon us. i work with amazing people and with my boys who i love with all my heart, and my health is on the upswing. honestly, i may not be 100% healthy or really anywhere near, but i am doing well and taking care of myself and GETTING THERE. and that's what matters.


so....i hope my happiness is infectious like the plague ;) this weekend is nerd-heaven and the next i get to spend with one of my greatest friends in the world!! life is looking goooooood



;)

sometimes

sometimes these things they are so easy

sometimes these things they are so cold

sometimes these things they seem to rip you right in two,

only if you let them get to you.

lately i've been like a clock without a face.....

i really should stop this nonsense.

the truth is, lately all i want is to not mess things up for myself any further than i already have.

here is what i should have remembered: "because i can't have it" is not a good enough reason to want something, and unavailability is simply a road map you use to get lost.

make sense? no? good. welcome to my brain.



please wash the towels before you leave and make the bed, you slob.



-management.

forget what I said before....

the worst thing is when you disappoint YOURSELF.

like clockwork?

being a grown-up is full of a lot of great, amazing and wonderful stuff.

consequently, growing up brings with it some of life's biggest pains and disappointments.


you learn what it is to be jaded, because you learn what it is to be wrong about someone. friend, lover, family member, coworker, somebody you used to know....they pack the same brand of punch in varying degrees. you think you know somebody, that you can depend on them maybe, and then you learn that they're nothing like what you thought they were.

the truth is, this happens to everybody and we all do it to somebody. in some way, shape or form, i have let somebody down or disappointed somebody when their expectations of me were not met. i might not even be as big of a jerk as somebody pegged me as, and in its own way that's disappointing. it could be ANYTHING. we're human. maybe somebody is only the somebody you thought they might be when they're having a good day or they're drunk or whatever. but you're always met with the same sad reality.

i personally think this is worst when it involves family members and friends. they're both supposed to be people you can trust, usually more than anyone else, so being disappointed by them stings the most sharply. and instead of being just a little sting that hurts at the time, these disappointment stings are laced with venom that gets under your skin and stays awhile. it might cause you pain and anger for awhile after the actual disappointment first sets in. disillusionment can build when you've had enough of these venomous stings. you might have tiny expectations for someone, they don't meet them, and instead of being sad you just find yourself thinking, "seriously? that was NOTHING. pull it the eff together!"

and just like that, you're jaded.

well, not just like that. over years and years of your soft and tender emotional flesh being stung repeatedly, you build a tougher, thicker and less forgiving skin. and then you're walking around, an emotional and mental leatherface ;) stings become more annoying than painful. you learn to expect them from almost everybody and save your actual personality and feelings for those who DON'T disappoint you, after enough time.

so as i was saying, you end up jaded a little. just like that. like....clockwork.

about love

i'm about to say something that maybe i shouldn't say. but lately, i've realized that i can't ignore this anymore, or hide from it, or even run away.

i don't love the way i should.

there, i said it. i'm admitting that, other people come in about tenth place following me, me, me, me me. i'm not exaggerating. i'm not trying to be cool by saying this. in fact, i'm terrified of it and it's made me feel like a horrible person for about as long as i can remember.

why don't i love people the way that everybody else seems to? why is it so easy for me to cast people aside, to forget them, to hurt them or push them away? my self-destruction in this area knows no bounds. it's hurt my family, it's hurt my ex-husband, and it's hurt my friends. the only people it HASN'T hurt are the kids i've worked with over the years. and i guess here is where i make my admission, that those kids have sometimes been the only thing i've loved. that when people find out where i work, and start going, "ohhh, you must be such a good person!" i always shrink because i feel like, i hold to that love i have for my kids because sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel human. once i started working as a para and realized how much it took me out of my own completely self-centered head, i decided i would never have any other kind of job again.

i really do love every kid i've ever worked with. for some reason, kids with autism and me, we just connect. they burrow into my heart and stay there even when it freezes over.

but...other relationships i have- budding friendships or friendships i've had for YEARS...i go into destructive mode. i do things i KNOW will push the other person away. i wait for them to leave. and if they don't, i leave. and it's always just a matter of time one way or the other. i can count on one hand the number of friends that have lasted through this. and hey, i don't blame people. when someone pushes you away, annoys you as much as possible, acts like a robot...whatever- then who wants to stay? pretty much nobody. and that's why i'm here, writing about it. because i recently read a book about a character who was so selfish and horrible that she destroyed everyone around her. and she kept it up, until the last few pages, when she makes this huge sacrifice to prove to herself that she can love someone. and all i could do was go back to the bookstore night after night and read that book over and over again. i didn't want to identify with the main character because she was so despicable. but shirking reality hasn't done me any good so far, so i'm not going to keep doing it.

it's hard because in some ways, getting sick and having surgeries that i hated made this worse. it was even more acceptable for me to be self-centered than ever, so i thrived doing so. i let it be an excuse to shove everybody away from me in every way i could. and it's just....damage that can't simply be undone, most of it. but i'm writing this blog because i want to try.

i have a couple of good friends left in my life. they are people i love and care for, in differing degrees. they have stuck around even though i pushed them away. they deserve more from me. so, this blog is me saying that i'm going to change this. i'm going to try. that blog i wrote awhile back about being isolated...was the beginning of admitting this to myself. this is my follow-up, my pledge.

working with the kids and loving them completely, without limits, THINKING about them when i leave work and caring for them no matter what else is going on, has shown me that i DO have the capacity to love. i just need to learn how.

so, here's where i start.

please be patient with me.