what the....

lately has been crazy.

and given the kind of life i've had the past few years (soon i'll be saying several. oy vey! i'm getting old...) i don't say that lightly.

here's the thing i've come to understand....even though i've made progress as a person, and my joys are sweeter and life is better over-all, i still experience what feel to be the lowest of lows. my challenges sometimes seem like a round of shots fired, paused for the reload and then fired again. i'm a better person now than i was a year ago. i'm happier and stabler and gentler and more free. but when challenges come i feel like they hurt exactly the same, maybe even more sometimes. and i'm still meaner than i want to be and still unforgiving of people and myself.

i'm just trying to get into a more sustainable rhythm in life. i don't expect anything to be easy. i know that i'm an intense person. it's what gives my creativity its life and its edge and so i'll embrace it. but i want to be able to ride the intensity like a wave, not get swallowed up in the undertow. does that make any sense?

do i ever?

hmm.