Tuesday, January 24, 2017

A tale of Opression (that dastardly fellow! )

Opression had a big comeback in 2016, proving how it hangs back, but never really goes away. Opression is a master at hanging back and waiting for its chance, and its chance came in the form of a loudmouthed orange lummox with the mentality of a thirteen year old in the insecure and uncomfortable beginnings of puberty.

This ''man" gave Opression a megaphone, and hey- Oppression isn't picky. The orange lummox was simply a mouthpiece, loud and uncouth but very effective. All of Opression's favorite pupils and old friends and budding protégés heard the call and eagerly began crawling out of their holes to heed it.

Nevermind that Opression's latest poster boy was a figure of much derision and little respect. Beggars can't be choosers, and his pupils and old buddies are restless. They want to go mainstream, feel safe coming out of the woodwork and taking off their white hoods- (okay, let's not get carried away...Opression encourages cowardice, the white hoods are staying on).

Oppression's new mouthpiece promises many new victims in his speeches. He is willing to throw around money and power with his itty bitty hands, to support the Followers he amasses to his cause. And he knows all about Following-he spends more time on Twitter than your average high school student.

And so- Twitter is a hive-minded haven for youth no longer! All of the older people who denounced it a year ago find themselves Following now as well, to read their leader's latest invaluable spatters of word vomit, in 160 characters or less. After all, they have to keep up with their Overlord's Alternative Facts, and bombard their brains with the message he is constantly tweeting about, and Twitter is the best place to do so.

The message of course, is Opression, blanketed with clumsy phrasing or sometimes a dollar store mustache and glasses type of disguise. It need not be hidden too carefully or well, because those it's meant for will never lift the blanket or notice the mustache is crooked, and all the rest see it for exactly what it is no matter how it's disguised.

Opression is largely obvious. Subtlety has never really been its thing. This is why every now and then, Opression gets kicked in the shins and run offstage...but all it does is get very quiet and hide. It doesn't really go away, or stay gone. It hides its face and bides its time, waiting for its next megaphone or disguise. It waits and mutates like a virus, so that next time it won't be chased away so easily. Opression only has the means it's given, but there's always someone to invite it back in and give it a voice. After so long, Opression knows its game, and it especially knows human beings. It knows them well.

See, Opression understands something that mankind in general never really seems to grasp:
Those who cannot remember history are doomed to repeat it. And humanity has a very poor memory.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

not yours

mountains and valleys
gulches and rivers and plains

Friday, February 6, 2015

what the....

lately has been crazy.

and given the kind of life i've had the past few years (soon i'll be saying several. oy vey! i'm getting old...) i don't say that lightly.

here's the thing i've come to understand....even though i've made progress as a person, and my joys are sweeter and life is better over-all, i still experience what feel to be the lowest of lows. my challenges sometimes seem like a round of shots fired, paused for the reload and then fired again. i'm a better person now than i was a year ago. i'm happier and stabler and gentler and more free. but when challenges come i feel like they hurt exactly the same, maybe even more sometimes. and i'm still meaner than i want to be and still unforgiving of people and myself.

i'm just trying to get into a more sustainable rhythm in life. i don't expect anything to be easy. i know that i'm an intense person. it's what gives my creativity its life and its edge and so i'll embrace it. but i want to be able to ride the intensity like a wave, not get swallowed up in the undertow. does that make any sense?

do i ever?


Thursday, January 29, 2015


i break like the glass castle
i fight so hard not to be

so many times by you
broken bones, broken spirit

breaking even
either way you go
what you do and wont

even when i think
i couldn't possibly
break any more.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

plaster love

a heart made of plaster
cheap, chipped
while i sang away for you, day & night
pretending it was sturdier ware

then, true to form,
it gave out

cracked, crumbled
what i have now is nothing

and that fits too

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

new year, same me

everybody loves to throw around the "new year, new you!" phrase. i dislike it.

i understand the sentiment, i just don't agree with it. over the past couple of months, i've been working really hard on knowing exactly who i am, and exactly who i am not. i've considered the positive and the negative, but mostly the positive. truth be told, i have spent more than enough time on the negative in my life already.

so lately, i've come to know myself and all of the great things that that entails. i have considered my strengths, the things i am naturally adept with, my potential that is brimming just below the surface or is sitting on the surface, but unused. i am slowly but surely enriching my life by adding things to it that i know i will love or maybe, will simply challenge me. i want the challenge. but i'm not undertaking all of this hoping to arrive at "a new me". i want to arrive as the me i am now. i want to experience life as i want it, as i hope for it. my own standards and judgements are all that matter. and there's no way in hell i'm going to sell myself short, and there's no need for reinvention. if you don't like yourself, by all means, make some changes. but don't expect to be someone entirely different. that doesn't happen. the good in you and the strength are already there. you just need to bring them out. you need to not be afraid to try and fail and maybe suffer a little.

the thing i've learned is, things that are supposed to seem great are anything but, when you have no sense of yourself. who you actually are. enjoyment isn't possible when you have no sense of yourself. by the same measure, suffering is not really that bad, when you're not afraid of taking it on because you have a sense of yourself and what YOU can handle and who you are. the good is that much better, and the bad is survivable when you respect yourself and know yourself and LIKE yourself.  because no matter what, you can't lose that. no matter what happens to you. and i've learned that recently. i finally have. "man's search for meaning" has finally smacked me upside the head with understanding. and not a minute too soon.

this morning i'm sitting on a porch chair in sunny southern california. the weather is beautiful, i am watching the sea, breathing it in. i am exactly where i want to be. the second year in a row, i've made this happen because it matters to me. funny enough, i've had problems since arriving here. a medication issue, that's left me with some pain and unpleasant symptoms. however, i'm solving that problem and it's not at the forefront of my mind.

what's at the forefront of my mind? that it's sixty-something degrees outside, the sun is beating down on my body and the air is fresh and i can taste the ocean in it. that tomorrow i will party with some of the coolest family anyone could hope for, that i will see an old friend while here. that this week holds for me whatever i want it to. that when i go back home, i will be buoyed up to survive the rest of the winter.

what else could i need?

this new year is going to hold for me, whatever i want it to. my physical limitations are shrinking daily and i am taking care of myself mentally and physically, getting stronger. i will do whatever i want to. i will be me, the same me i've always been- but with the experience of illness, heartbreak, rock-bottom-and-up-again, a renewal and removal of disillusionment. i will write passionately, laugh freely, (at myself, most of the time i'm sure) and surround myself with whomever and whatever i choose to. and at the end of the day, when i go to bed and look at myself in the mirror, i'll be happy that i am living MY life in THIS body. as THIS person.

and that's enough.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


i knew that when the thought of you no longer made me sick,
i was done.