all i need....

okay so to start, i am slightly obsessed with awolnation as of late. i know, totally random thrown in with my doors/led zepp/jimi hendrix thingy i've been on.....but they're great!

this song pretty much sums up my vibe tonight:












i realized tonight (and okay, maybe i've known this for awhile but didn't want to admit it) that i want to get well...but i don't want to have to make the effort.
after a particularly painful past few days, not borne near as well as they should have been i might add....i had an appointment with my gi today in which he wrote me a script for one of the Big Scary Meds.


as i left his office, i was between crying every couple of minutes and trying to feel relieved. well, i wanted my illness gone? here was one way. right in my hand.
but with my illness was likely to go my hair, my immune system and a host of other things i'm not fond of parting with.

why are you crying? i thought to myself. this is what you've wanted. an easy solution!
but i knew it wouldn't really be easy. my gi gave me pages of literature to read about the medication, and i spoke with the pharmacist at length about my concerns. when he told me he discouraged his wife from taking it, i sort of crumbled inside.

this wasn't what i really wanted. my mind flashed back to the Crazy Hard Diet that i'd read and prayed so much about, and i felt kind of guilty. i hadn't even given it a try, because it was going to be hard. and time-consuming. and probably really sucky at first. but i've always felt like i needed to try it. i've had so many blessings that have led me to feel that way as well. and here i was holding this death script in my hand, about to fill it. ignoring all of that because i was....


lazy? unmotivated? just plain stupid?

maybe a bit of all three.

i realized as i went home and talked to the All-Wise Jenn ;) about it. i was rationalizing why i should just try the medication.
"well, what about your blessings?" she said. so reasonable, as always.
and yeah, my logic crumbled.


what about them? if i follow this diet and have success, i'll stop losing my hair. i won't waste away even more, and get weird acne, and have an increased risk for cancer or suddenly develop lymphoma or i dunno....have liver failure or a number of other scary things.
what i WILL do is spend a lot of time cooking. and not eat crappy foods that are bad for me. and probably feel really. damn. good.

plus, i'll look good. because everyone who eats this way says their bodies have never looked better, and i'll actually have the energy to work out.

my decision has been made. i never went and picked up the script.


i have been promised something- and i'm not going to take the other way because it involves less effort. that's absurd.
time to pull on my big-girl pants and get to work. i'll be thanking myself for this twenty years down the road.


and anyway, i've always wanted to learn how to cook ;)

well, well, well....

oh i love it. i'm tired, but i had an iron IV today so hopefully the tiredness won't last.

and


i love my job already.

you're not bigger than this, not better...why can't you learn?

it's so easy to drown in "poor me's" and "boohoo's" sometimes in life.
yesterday, i visited a doctor who shed more light on my current health situation than i had been aware of since my "diagnosis"
i learned that my health condition is much more serious than i'd been told before. i learned that drugs "akin to chemotherapy" might be necessary, and that getting an operation removing my colon was a "real possibility". and not in twenty years- soon. my illness is "severe". and i didn't know it was.

needless to say, i kind of lost my head.


here's where i get spiritual. if you don't want to read it, skip a little:

i've received a lot of blessings since i fell ill back in january. one of them said i would make a full recovery. another said my life would be lengthened by this.

but i don't know the means by which i'll reach that recovery and that point in my life. it may involve surgery. it may involve drugs that are akin to chemo. i just don't know.
last night, i got upset. i had a breakdown the likes of which i've never had before. i know that on some level, part of this is mental. and that was what the doctor was trying to get me to see. i have held onto things and punished myself for them for years. i have worried myself into greater illness. this is hard to explain, because it entails so much.

just know that i lost it. just for a bit.
but luckily, my family was there for me.
they held me like i was a child and let me cry, and let me be afraid, and counseled me.


and i listened.


i don't know where i go from here. i'm going to do everything i can to obtain the recovery i was told i'd have. and i'm going to try not to be scared of what i have to do to get there.


anything....prayers, well-wishes, good vibes...please send them my way. i'm a stronger person now than i was eight months ago, but i'm not sure i'm strong enough for what this may be-yet.


one thing the doctor told me was that there's two ways to say "i am" in spanish and only one way to say it in english. you can say, "i am tall" and you are. you will be tall tomorrow, and in five years unless your legs get cut off. then there's the way to say "i'm sick." as in, i'm sick right now. but i'm well.


i'm sick right now, but i'm well.
and i have to remember that.
this too shall pass.

divorce.

last night, with the help of my gram, i was filling out the necessary papers for my divorce from derek.
the papers asked for information. what day were we married. what city. our birthdates.
the word "spouse" was used many, many times.


it was weird. weird putting down the date of our wedding. i remember us going and getting our marriage license together. there's a sign in the office there that says, "no refunds, returns or exchanges". we'd laughed, because like anyone getting a marriage license, you think that sign is a really funny joke that will never apply to you.
i wasn't laughing last night.

don't get me wrong. i'm ready for this. i know it's the right thing for derek and i. i know it's the best path for us. but it's just strange to think that three years ago, we had just started our lives together.
and honestly, three years ago i'd already started having doubts. but i was too afraid to let myself think about them. i was afraid of what other people would think. i was afraid because we'd JUST gotten married. no one wants to be the girl that just got married and is already wondering if it was right or not.


it wasn't right.

only a few people read this blog. and that's fine. i don't write it for anyone but myself. but maybe somebody will come across it who needs it. if they do....i want you to realize....even the kindest, most civil divorce hurts.
you never think it's going to be you. no matter how good of friends you are with your spouse as it ends (as derek and i are) it still hurts. you signed up for dreams and hopes and a life together...and these papers are signing that away.
even though i'm ready for this, it made me sad anyway. i was young. i was foolish. both derek and i suffered unnecessary pain because we didn't think things through enough. don't let that be you. whoever you may (or may not) be.
when i got married, i didn't even know what marriage really was.

i do now, as i end mine.


don't let me, be you. i'm okay now, but i wasn't okay for a long time.

joyness

i'm so thrilled today.
i just need to say- i love the gospel. i love priesthood blessings. i love callings. i'm so excited to start mine.
i'm also excited to start my new job. i start on monday.
i hope i can get some of this pain under control. i have a feeling everything is going to work out. the pain, like everything, has served a purpose.
life is beautiful

stoked

man i am just so stoked today.


not sure why. just needed to broadcast it hahaha

all i can say

i'm grateful to be reminded of what i left behind....a "me" that i don't recognize when i look at pictures. a "me" that i'll never be again.

i'm strong. i know who i am. and the last eight months haven't been wasted on me.