Sunday, March 25, 2012


letters on crinkled paper
profess your love for everything i am
promise that nothing could take it away
a tear through the words "you're mine"
creases from being folded and unfolded again and again
fingerprints from the many times i held them
to read your words
to me

how many letters did we trade back and forth
how many ways did we learn to say i love you
how many times did we promise forever
before what we had was lost

i can't read them any longer
it feels wrong
those words no longer belong to me, from you
and someday, they'll belong to someone else
along with the rest of you

Saturday, March 24, 2012

i once loved...

once upon a time, i loved someone.

i broke his heart, and made it hard. tough and weathered, beaten and scarred.

it will be a long time before i love again.

once i know that the moment i begin to love

is no longer the beginning of the end.

insecurity breeds unhappiness.

so earlier this week, after talking with an acquaintance about relationships where one partner is dependent on the other in an unhealthy way, and insecure....i realized how much i don't EVER want that again.

in my marriage, i WAS that insecure, dependent partner. the damage it did to my self-esteem has already taken years to repair, and i'm still not 100% recovered. just thinking back to how i was- needy, insecure, jealous...ugh. it was so gross. i ended up so dependent on derek that i couldn't even keep a JOB because i couldn't do anything myself. i wish i was exaggerating how bad it was.
and the thing is, i was very confident and independent was one of the biggest things that drew derek to me in the first place.... and if it ended up bad enough that i couldn't keep a job, you can SEE how much that confidence and independence deteriorated over the couple of years.
so if you begin a relationship with someone who is already insecure, dependent, needy and will only get worse. it will get worse until the partner who is insecure realizes how crappy it is to live that way, and decides to fix it. unfortunately, that's not the kind of thing one learns overnight.

thinking back to that period in my life, i am so happy i am the confident and independent person i am now. i have come so far...i'm NEVER going back to that again.

jenn and i were talking about confident women, and how although so many guys profess their love of confident women, when it comes down it, those guys often end up with the complete opposite. we both made a pact we'd end up with men who really appreciated our independence and confidence- and didn't just have it a laundry list of "good qualities" they look for because it sounds like a good thing to want from someone.

haha, we're such feminists sometimes :P

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

the oneday someday

i honestly adore the idea of having this epic camaraderie with a man.
i mean, doesn't it sound lovely to have a strong and equal partnership with someone who is not only your best friend, but (eventually, for we lds hehe) your lover as well? to have someone who is competitive with you in the way that you're always pushing each other to be better, and never settling for less. and they KNOW what you're capable of, so they'll never let you shirk. and vice versa! to have a companion through every journey in life, whether it be a literal physical journey to somewhere far away, or a journey of personal growth.

sounds beautiful, right?

Sunday, March 18, 2012


my whole weekend was full of the people i love.

i can't imagine a better way to spend time.

thursday, my actual birthday, was lunch and girl time with jenn, gram and my beautiful momma. friday was dinner with the same + my dad and nana and papa. saturday, i got to see one of my favorite people in the world, alyssa. she and scott and i went over to derek's and hung out for a bit, then hit dennys.

definitely one of the best weekends i've had in awhile!

church today was great...i haven't been for a couple of months due to illness...i'm so glad to be able to go again. my whole week is better when i do, not to mention i just love to be there and feel the spirit so strongly.

tomorrow, i start my first whole day at the new job. i'm SO excited for this. it's such a wonderful place- our trainings are so fascinating and in-depth. we learn so much about the kids and what is going on inside their minds and bodies and how it affects them. i love to feel like i'm really teaching again...not to mention, the people i work with are all fantastic. the training sessions are not only interesting but fun! most of the people there are close to my age and just really stellar people who know when to take things seriously but also know when to have fun. also, i love learning what i do in the trainings because it reminds me of certain things pertaining to bekah. when you've lived with someone for seventeen years, you almost "forget" certain things because you become so used to them and it's so casual. i'm able to apply the things i'm learning to her to help her and better my relationship with her even more. it's just awesome!

thanks to my birthday being this last week, i am marching into spring with a LOT more color in my wardrobe ;) i'm a bit over-stoked about it heh.

as for fitness....i'm guessing i'll have to re-work my plan after working my first full-time week, but we'll see. i survived this weekend actually incredibly well, so i'm hoping i'll be able to do a fair amount of exercise without wearing out. que sera, sera.

anddddd....that's it!! tonight we're wrapping up "birthweek" with my favorite meal and red velvet cake. tomorrow, it's back to normal. but what a weekend it was!!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

go forth, shorty! tis your birthday.

wow....sitting here after quite a lovely birthday...and the best part is, today was just the beginning!
see, in our household, we like to do a birthweek. or at least, a birthweekend. yes, i know it's epic. ;)

tomorrow i am going to dinner with my family in salt lake, and then getting myself a few brightly-colored outfits :D never thought i'd say this, but after wearing so much black this winter i am more than ready to add some color to my springtime wardrobe!

i'm glad my birthday is in the spring, because it's seriously my favorite season. i love summer, but there is something about the awakening and renewal of spring that is just so wonderful. i get like, overly-excited about it pretty much every year.

so, yeah! i get to spend time with one of my best friends in the world this weekend, too. we're going to have an adventure! (we're going on an adventure, char-leeee. bonus points if you get it!)

my life is pretty amazingly blessed and perfect. the only thing it's missing is a few good men. ;)

having a happy birthday,

Monday, March 12, 2012

red flags...

waving in the wind. whew.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

of distractions....

i've decided that for the next little while, i need to try and live as free of distractions as possible.

what falls under the category of distractions? almost anything can. but specifically i'm thinking along the lines of too much internet browsing, guys, reading things i've already read a million times, material things like clothing, etc.
even my new fitness plan that i am beginning to implement this week could become a distraction if i put too much focus on it. the key here is of course, moderation. the muscle to be exercised is discipline.

what this all comes down to is my desire to really focus on the things that matter most, which i happened to blog about not too long ago ;) those things will be better attended to and accomplished if i have as few distractions as possible. like guys for instance....i would LOVE to go on dates here and there. i'd love to hang out with guyfriends. that's about it, for now.

i'm excited to begin my new fitness plan. i think now is the perfect time to tone up, get strong and be as healthy as possible. not only do i WANT to do this, i am super excited for it. it's going to be one of my top priorities- along with my family, my job, and my relationship with the Lord.

it's not like when i was sick, i just sat around and did nothing (though i sure felt that way sometimes!) i made a lot of personal progress. a LOT. but i am ready to grow and make even MORE personal progress. i am really excited to serve others as best i can and really get my life on the track it's supposed to be on. i am stoked to learn what my talents are (aside from the few i'm already aware of) and to develop them. my mindset is shifting from one of daily survival (like it was when i was sick) to one of the bigger picture and the long-term.

so here's to the start of a week with no distractions!! happy birthday to me :D

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

the things that matter most...

i've been giving a lot of thought lately to what's important to me. what i really and truly value, above all else. i can say with confidence that the things that matter most to me are completely different than they were three or four years ago- and that's a good thing.

why? because when the house burned down those years ago, i had the option of rebuilding from scratch or rebuilding from the rubble. after a couple of failed attempts at rebuilding from the rubble, i rebuilt from scratch. the result was a far better person than i could have ever hoped to be had the house not burned down in the first place.
(the house is me- my soul, really, in case that's not clear)

anyway...i still place too much value with the physical. i am more vain than i probably ought to be. i'll never be one to be swayed by someone ELSE'S looks...for instance, i would never date a man with a lousy personality simply because he was gorgeous...but my own vanity is still something i'm working on. but i've made a lot of improvement in that area. i don't think there's anything wrong with being a little vain and taking pride in your appearance, either. but excessive vanity is ugly and embarrassing to me.

besides that....i highly value my family. my relationships with all of my siblings and both of my parents have improved huge amounts since moving back home a year ago. i really try my best to be a good sister, daughter and friend. i want to be there for aaron as he goes through his crazy teen years. i want to help michael navigate through that painful "i'm not a teenager but not really an adult yet" stage. i want to continue to be the best friend/sister i can for jenn. i want to be a good aunt for joe's kids, and be bekah's best friend. these are all things that matter to me FAR more than almost anything else, and far more than they ever could have a few years ago when my focus was solely ME.

i value my spirituality. i want a good relationship with God. i want to always keep the bigger picture in mind, and therefore improve my spiritual growth. i want to be in the world but not "of" it as much as possible. living the gospel makes me happy in a way that nothing else can. i love the peace it brings me.

i value education. i want to learn everything i can about anything. i want to learn more about the people who roamed this earth long before myself. i want to understand culture and language, and how it affects self-expression. i want to know the part it plays in who people become. i want to know why people do what they do.

i value both children and adults with special needs. my relationship with bekah is one of the most important things in the world to me. i want her to know i am always here for her. i want her to know she is one of my best friends. i want to be a friend to the kids i work with. i want to be their advocate. i want to help push for reform in education so that different learning styles are embraced rather than looked down upon.

i value art, beauty, music and nature. i just want to soak up life. i want to do so as a solid person with a foundation of things that MATTER. i want to be a source of good, happiness and humor in other people's lives. i want to capture beauty with my words, in my writing. i want to see it in my travels. i want to create it.

with my quick recovery has come a complete change in attitude for me. i have thrown off the sickness and i am ready to catch up on all of the things it's held me back from the last few years. i am anxious to make new friends, to date and have a relationship with someone that will be wonderful...i want to have fun, yes...but i love the idea of being somebody's partner in every sense, more and more as of late.

world...get ready for me ;)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

if life were a woman, she would be my wife!

just had the most incredible blessing! i am going to live a normal life- and what's more, it's already begun! since just ONE treatment, i have progressed leaps and bounds. my next one is this friday. i can only imagine the kind of improvement i'm going to see!

this year...especially the summer, is going to be the time i make up for spending the last year sick! i'm going to go camping, take road trips, hike, enroll in a class or two....i'm going to do everything i've been wanting to do the last few years that i never got around to. i want to take up rock climbing, maybe a jiu jitsu class...

i am mad stoked. i can't wait for tomorrow. i know i'm going to love my new job. i will finally be able to make some money and get back on my feet financially.

happy early birthday to me! hehe

life is just such a ride!

after all, i do have regrets...

last night, i had never wanted to undo something in my past so badly in my life.

derek and i hung out. we went to dinner, fye and the mall. we had a good time, like we used to before we got married. he showed me some new music he's been listening to, we talked about work and writing and life in general. we cracked each other up with goofy voices and dorky jokes.

we also had a discussion. one that's been long overdue. this is where the wanting to undo part comes in.

i don't regret our decision to get divorced. not in the least bit. last night we hung out, not as ex husband and wife but as really good friends. it was not in the least bit romantic. there are absolutely NO feelings like that left between us and never will be again.

what i did regret, for a brief moment in time, is that we ever got married in the first place.

our marriage was hard on the both of us. that goes without saying. but it was especially hard on him. and last night, talking frankly and openly about it- and about the end...about our futures with other guys and girls....i just found myself thinking, "why, Lord? why did he have to go through what he did?" i've hated myself for what i put him through, and while i've worked really hard to move past it....i felt a little of that self-loathing rearing its head last night as we spoke.

i asked him if he was afraid to get married again, because of what happened with us. and of course he is. and i wish he wasn't, because what happened with us was such a specific thing...was so tailored especially for ME to learn's not the first time that i thought it was just a little unfair that he had to be along for the ride with me.

sometimes you just wish you could go back. i wish i could go back so that derek wouldn't have to be nervous about falling in love and getting married again. but there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to change the way he feels, and that's hard for me.

i don't even know why i'm writing this. it's so personal that i should probably save it as a draft so that no one but me can read it....but it's just...i had to get this out. that i regret ONE thing. the effect all of this has had on HIM. he doesn't deserve it.

if there is one thing i could change, it would be this.

all i could say to him last night was that i was so glad that he was still my friend....i don't know that anybody besides him could have remained friends with me after the fact. i am very blessed. i just wish i had a way to pay it forward.