Monday, July 22, 2013


well, it's been a pretty fast and quite "busy" couple of months in some ways.

starting up my UC blog has given me writing to do and new people to talk to. some days of course i feel like i don't want to talk to anybody, and i can't write worth crap. ha. pun wasn't intended but man that's a good one ;)

i started thinking about how long it's been since i've dated. sometimes i feel like i want to, and sometimes i feel like i never will. i remembered recently how the only guy i've been interested in that way since splitting up with derek, didn't even seem to like me in general. i wonder sometimes if it really matters. sometimes i think of unhappy marriages that i know of, and stories that friends have told me about their ball-and-chain unions that make me fervently happy i'm single.

but then i think of jenn and tyson, and how different their relationship was/is than anybody else pretty much that i know. witnessing their relationship and its growth has been my sole motivator in some ways. it's not that my own divorce made me lose hope, or made me bitter. far from! sadly my own marriage and divorce are happier than marriages of other people's that i know. when derek and i split, i wasn't thinking, "i'll never get married again!" but seeing other people, the way they treat each other. the way they "settle", get bored, and fight....doesn't excite me haha. i'm solitary and independent, and i like it. i used to use people as crutches, and it was gross and wrong. i have no need for crutches anymore, but other people do. i see it all the time, and it scares me.

i refuse to be somebody else's crutch.

being interested in a guy is going to take a lot for me, but i'm okay with that ;) the only kind of relationship i want is one i rarely see, especially among young couples. seeing my sister being so happy and having something so great showed me what i want to aspire to myself, even though it's so hard to find. but i accept that, knowing it's hard to find people that your soul recognizes. you connect in a different way, like you've met them before. i'm not just talking about romantic relationships here, but friends. it's rare to find that but so worth it when you do.

just some thoughts......