Tuesday, August 28, 2012

when you no longer wish to try

i've had a rough and pretty terrible last little while.
i won't really go  into it, but i've been letting go of a lot, and giving up hope.

i detest myself for doing so, but all of the fight has gone out of me. i'm sad, and despise how hopeless i feel. but it seemed like trying to overcome it just made me feel it more acutely...so i've just stopped.

i don't know how often i'll be writing from here on out, because there's not a lot of point. i just figured i'd be honest.

Friday, August 24, 2012

fun, fyi.

i went and met up with some girls tonight at red mango. we sat and talked for a couple of hours, and it was great.
i'm not really a "girl's night" type of person typically. i mean, i suppose i can be but i struggle finding more than one or two girls i want to really spend much time with, so it doesn't usually happen. tonight though, was so much fun. the girls were smart, funny and dynamic. we had lots of laughs and good conversation, and this was the first time we'd all hung out together and my first time meeting one of the girls. it was lovely to have an evening of conversation on a deeper level. it reminded me that i don't have to be so absurdly guarded with everyone, because sometimes you connect with people when you give it a chance ;)
one thing i love about good conversation is the different perspectives you can glean from it. it helps me remember that EVERYONE is living out their own experience here on this earth, and that there is a lot you can learn from people. i love being around people who are strong and positive- being in their company brings you up in ways you almost don't realize until after the fact. it helps to remind ME to be sure that when people leave MY company, they feel uplifted or happy or something positive.

i'd say goodnight, but i'm pretty sure i won't be sleeping tonight once again...so...."good evening" (there's a movie reference in there hehe but i'm not sure anyone will get it because i quote the weirdest nonsense from movies)


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Friday, August 17, 2012

a few things...

first- back at work after my two week summer break. all i can say is, YAY!!!! x's a million billion. clearly math is not my strong suit. but my point is, i am stoked. i'm going to be with some new kids and new coworkers and i am so jazzed!! the more people i get to know at my job, the more i love everybody. and the same goes for the kids! i can't wait to get to know them all!

secondly- dexter. oh, dexter. and michael c hall. i don't know what else to say. several of the girls at work and i were talking about it today and i am NOT alone in my adoration hehe ;)

and thirdly- life. is. great.

the end.

Friday, August 10, 2012

solitary: pt 2

the thing is, i like being alone.
there is a huge difference between alone and lonely, and i am never lonely.

but being alone is nice. it's clean, it's uncomplicated.

people are messy, and they complicate things.
attachments are messy and complicate things.

it's simpler to remain aloof and detached.

and i do it well.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

to do hard things.

there's something that makes me very thankful for my diagnosis. it's that i've learned to do hard things. and to do them, not looking for praise or recognition, but because it's necessary. and to do them without complaining, without being angry. without feeling like it's unfair.

of course, it's taken me awhile to feel this way. i can remember vividly last winter, the severity of my flare quadrupled and i was FAR from serene about it. i freaked out, i complained, i hated the "unfairness" of it all, etc etc. i was working only part time, but i remember mornings when getting out of bed seemed impossible. nights where i slept maybe two hours and then had to go to my physically demanding job the next day. it was hard. and it didn't let up. and because of that, i learned to do things that are hard- something i really think our generation is lacking in.

don't get me wrong, i don't intend for this post to be holier-than-thou or preachy. if it weren't for my diagnosis and being FORCED to learn to do hard things, i wouldn't be so used to it or so accepting of them myself. but that's the point. i hear people say all of the time how they don't want to do something because it's "hard". they hesitate to enter certain circumstances because they'll be tough or challenging. and they have a choice to avoid that.

ever notice how tough your grandparents are? your great-grandparents? your parents, even? there was a time (and there are still places, of course but i'm talking about US HERE) where there wasn't necessarily a CHOICE in matters that were difficult or hard. there were hard things that had to be done for survival. to thrive. because there wasn't an "easier" way yet. and people just DID THEM. because what was their other option? there wasn't one. if it was a freezing morning, in the middle of a snowstorm and the cows had to be milked--THEY MILKED THEM. what else could they do?

THIS is why i'm grateful for my diagnosis. because it hasn't given me much of a choice. those mornings i mentioned where i hadn't slept, felt like i'd been hit by a train, was in so much pain it was hard to walk, couldn't stay out of the bathroom, etc but went to work anyway?? it was either that, or stay in bed and have not even HALF of a life. which i did, by the way. there were times i just stayed in bed. times i was ordered to by my doctor, and times i just didn't have the strength to do anything else. but spend enough time in bed and you start to get restless, no matter how dead you feel. i had the choice to live less than half of a life and avoid "hard" things that caused me more pain and sickness than i was already experiencing....or to try and live as much of a life as i could be DOING those hard things.

i chose to do them. some days, i choose not to. it's not always easy to do things that are difficult, even when a circumstance like mine makes almost EVERYTHING difficult. but then you go to the cancer center for your treatments. you meet people in their seventies and eighties battling cancer who can tell you stories about the wars they've fought. they're not afraid of hard things, and because of that, they're fighting.

we should ALL be fighting too. so things are hard? so what. LIFE is hard. but that's also why it's rewarding. let's buck up and face it.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


i hate that i feel like i LITERALLY need it right now. it's so hard to feel so NOT in control of my health and financial situations. i'd spend my LIFE at my work if i could, i love it so much. there is a deeper and deeper hole i am falling into with every infusion, specialist visit, all of my medications...i just don't know how i'll ever get out.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

far from simple

life is such a kick! where do i begin? my life hasn't been so much about events as it has been epiphanies. i've been paid some of the most wonderful and genuine compliments lately and it's really boosted my spirits. i've had thought-provoking discussions (especially with my lovely jenn) and been reading some great stuff.
not to mention, i work with literally THE greatest people imaginable and with kids i love like they were my own. i've reconnected with old friends and enjoyed their company, and made new friends as well.
i've been writing and back in my creative mindset much more than i have been in the last few years. it's wonderful to have that drive and passion back full-force.
my health is still a rollercoaster but seems to be at a turning point right now. life is hard but it's amazing. i'm so much more of a person than i was just months ago, and i'm so grateful.
life will continue to bring challenges and joy.
i will continue to welcome them both.

ps- mere christianity is a MUST READ. cs lewis is just...beyond words.