Friday, June 29, 2012

when i'm up late, i think too much. more than usual even.

first thing's first:
i think entirely TOO MUCH.

second thing: i used to be adamant that if someone was interested in you- and i mean REALLY interested- and you had a blog, they would read it. otherwise, they weren't really interested.

this began back in the days of myspace- i took to my blog there with a fierce devotion. i made it my new journal without really intending to. i had dozens and dozens of private entries, and i had dozens more that were public for anyone to read. to me, if someone REALLY wanted to get a good idea about me from my myspace page, they'd go right to my blogs and read them.

i'm not sure how often it happened.

as a writer, this mattered to me. a lot. and it still does.

i mean, when i am interested in a guy, instead of looking at pictures or stalking his facebook ;) i look first to see if he has a blog. it's not a strike against him if he doesn't- not everyone is a writer and more than that, not everyone expresses themselves through writing even if they don't claim to be a writer. people express themselves, vent, think&process in many different ways.
however- if the guy DOES have a blog, it's a HUGE plus. it points already to having something in common. it means that maybe, just maybe, he's the kind of guy who likes to read the blogs of girls he's interested in. it means that maybe he'll have at least a tiny bit of understanding of why i'm such a freak about Being a Writer.


i don't write this blog for anybody other than myself. i don't write it because i need the validation of knowing people read it. but if someone was interested in me, and they DID read would be a sort of connection. even just FRIENDS reading it connects me to them in a way.

see? i think too much. i think about how, not enough guys i know have blogs. about how i have met so few guys who care about writing at all. i've always felt like if a guy is interested in ME, he'd be interested in the writer part of me- because it's a HUGE part! i don't go around throwing what i've written in people's faces, but when someone expresses genuine interest in reading the novel i'm writing, or my poetry or whatever...that endears them to me. it means they're interested in a facet of me beyond my being funny and "hot" and whatever else. even if it's a friendship thing, i feel like to know me you need to know at least a little about me as a writer and why i care about it so much- why it's one of my biggest passions. when i meet people, i'm always interested in what their interests and passions are because I AM a passionate person. if they can't think of any to tell me? what a sad thing. what a letdown.

if you're passionate about something, share it with people. friends, future romantic interests, whatever...let them know that something lights up your days and drives your thoughts and imagination. without passions, life would be gray and completely boring.

Monday, June 25, 2012

i hate weekends.

can i just get that out there?
okay so....maybe not ALL weekends...and not everything ABOUT weekends....
but in general, i'm a person who does best with a routine. during the week it's simple: wake up, go to work, come home, eat, do yoga, work with bekah, chill time, evening walk, reading and bed.
now it's not like i don't ever deviate from this routine- i have writer's group on wednesdays and i have no problem altering it to hang out with people (usually ha ha) it's just in this routine, i feel most productive and therefore most happy. i love waking up early. i LOVE seeing my kids each day. yoga has become MY LIFE. i absolutely don't know how i lived without it. my walks at dusk are something else i love.
and working with bekah? it's amazing. i've learned SO MUCH at CHA that i feel will be so beneficial for her and i am LOVING it! she and i have such a great relationship because we can play and be goofy but she also knows to take me seriously when  i ask her to, so when we work it's all business. (of course that still includes some fun, as it should with DIR) i am just so convinced that my love of working with autistic kids is there so that SHE can benefit from it. i hope to teach her to read well enough that she can read independently when she wants to and really get joy from books. at this point, her attention span is the biggest problem because she knows words and letters and all of that REALLY well. she's so smart it kills me. i mean, i already knew she was but then to work with her on academics and see how well she does is really exciting!
anyway so....this all ties in because with autistic kids, schedule and routine are usually a really big deal. and i'm pretty sure my whole deal with routine ties into that ;) because i just don't function as well without one on my day-to-day. the big exception seems to be travel/adventures.

anywayyyyyyy what else to say? i'm SO glad it's monday and so excited for another week of work and to keep working with bekah! i'm also crazy stoked because i have two really good friends i'm going to be seeing a lot more and it's just great. they're both people i know really well and who i'm comfortable with, so they get more than 2% ;) and that's just awesome. is amazing! my health keeps improving and i'm set to go to cali in august! i can't wait! it'll be my first trip since getting sick, and i'm really stoked. i am so so SO blessed to have the job i do, and the people who are in my life. seriously- what more can you ask for than good people who LOVE you and work that you are passionate about?

oh also- my new obsession is motorcycles. derek got one and we've gone on a couple of rides. OBSESSED. i WANT one.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

i'm the king of the world

that monumental moment when you're on the back of a motorcycle, speeding up a winding hill....raising your arm above your head and shouting "wooohooo!" over and over....

because there was a time when you were so afraid of so many things, you wouldn't even SIT on a motorcycle let alone ride one....

the moment when you go on a walk at dusk, surrounded by dragonflies that are buzzing past your face, their wings reflecting in the last rays of the setting sun....and instead of running back inside, you're admiring how beautiful they are, and how cool it is to see them fly backwards and crisscrossing each other....

that moment when you open your arms and call your two year old nephew over to you, and he literally runs and JUMPS into your arms and gives you a kiss. there was a time when you thought you "hated" kids and that kids hated you...and you love EVERY MINUTE with your niece and nephew, and every minute with the kids you work with at school. and they LOVE YOU. you can see it in their eyes.

i have come a long way.

lately, life is full of these "woohoo!" moments. these moments that i just want to shout "i'm the king of the world!" at the top of my lungs.
and you know what? maybe i have a couple of times. because i am a different woman than i was a mere couple of years ago. i'm not that girl who is crippled by fears and self-doubt, who judges others because I'M miserable. who can't even look at herself in the mirror.

nope. i am rachel effing mardesich. and i am the king of the world.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

the north pole

i find that i am realllllly polarizing.

people either seem to like me a lot.....or really NOT like me.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

of bekah, and the best job in the world.

i am SO exceptionally lucky to love my job as much as i do.
there is something about autistic kids, that i just insta-love and connect with.

i'm sure it has a lot to do with bekah, who i love SO much. when i moved back home last year, after derek and i separated, i was determined to become best friends with her. she and i were decently close at that point, but not anywhere near how we are now. a relationship with an autistic sibling is complicated. i still remember perfectly the day i found out she had autism. in my ten year old brain, it made her stranger. i didn't know how to deal with her tantrums, how she climbed EVERYTHING and ran everywhere, how she'd pick up ANYTHING off of the floor and eat it, etc. in my pre-teen to early teen years i bounced between grudging acceptance and resentment. she "cramped our lifestyle" in my fourteen year old head. family vacations that were once easy were now an ordeal. when she did something weird in public, i was embarrassed, etc.

then in my late teens until now...i grew to love and appreciate her more than anything. while other people brought pain and sorrow to me somehow, she NEVER did. she was almost ALWAYS happy and trying to put a smile on your face. she was fun, and hilarious, and when i got married i had her in a bridesmaid dress with my other sister. i thought i loved her then.

and then i got my first job as a paraeducator, got sick and moved home and my appreciation of her grew more and more. i loved the kids i worked with, any way they reminded me of her made me happy. it made me appreciate her more and more. when i was sick, she loved to make me laugh and smile. we'd go on drives when those were the only outings i felt up to. we love all of the same kind of music (except for saturday's warrior :P) and we have the same sense of humor. when we go on drives, i talk to her and i know she cares about me and what i say, even if she doesn't fully understand all of it. my connection with bekah is one of the things i'm most proud of in my life. and it has helped me to find a job i love so SO much. before i worked as a para, i didn't really get along with kids much and i sort of avoided them. but kids with autism and other special needs have always been different somehow, and i connect with them really well. i know it has a lot to do with bekah.

i have been so blessed to have her in my life and family. it hasn't always been easy. there's still times it isn't. there used to be a time when i wanted her to be "normal". now i wouldn't change her for the world. she has been such a huge blessing in my family to lighten the load and to bring joy to us all with her loving, cute and hilarious personality. she is one of my best friends.

i'm so lucky to have her in my life, and EVERY kid i've worked with. they've made me better. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

oh, life!

life is so, so beautiful.

the more i live the gospel, give it my ALL- the happier i am.

i am nowhere NEAR  a perfect person. i have made mistakes and continue to make them. i have hurt people i loved, done things i'm not proud of, etc.

but it just doesn't matter. not with the gospel of Jesus Christ. not with the atonement. my rough edges are smoothed. my weaknesses are slowly being turned to strengths. with suffering, i learn to have joy in the true and pure and simple things.

i am a person who has been blessed with a wonderful life, a great capacity for love and many talents. i am excited for life to continue, to become what i am meant to be. i am ever grateful for my opened perspective as of late. i am ever grateful for the love of a God who has never and will never, give up on me.

life is JOYFUL.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

oh yeah, that.

The awesome moment when you find a dress you bought two years ago that still has tags on.....and you try it on (ignore the stupid pose) and hate wearing dresses, no matter how it looks.

Friday, June 8, 2012


thought of an old friend today, for the first time in an admittedly VERY long time.

even when something is dead, gone and over...i can say there are many moments i can look back at with joy and fondness. it seems like it was lifetimes ago that we were friends....pretty sure i've been living in dog years the last half-decade ;)

Thursday, June 7, 2012


i am so, so happy i don't rely on other people to figure out who i am and what i believe.

this is why i AM truly and deeply happy, on every level.

instead of being lost down every road i follow....


what would you love
and compliment about me?

my face?
my body?
my beauty?

i was born with these things
i did nothing to earn them

what i hope you love, is what comes out of my mouth
rather than the way it looks

the light in my eyes
rather than their color

i could be the worst person in the world
and look the same way

my spirit is what makes me

love THAT.


guess who is feeling a LOT better lately?

that's right. me.

time for adventure!! i've got some ideas in this head of mine, i'm pretty stoked ;)

Sunday, June 3, 2012

pride and prejudice

i think i may come across as a mr. darcy most of the time. hmm.