Tuesday, January 31, 2012

in which It returns....

alright, so let's get to the point.

i am in a flare again, and it is BAD.

i thought the one i had last year was extreme because of how long i had it without treatment or something....
yeah, apparently not. this is already almost as bad.

and what do you think the first thing i did was? did i stand up straight and shout out, "wooo! i can do this! bring it on! i have learned so much and i am ready!"

unfortunately, no. not even close. i actually freaked out.
like, crying and losing it freak out.
see, when you have an illness that you're told you will ALWAYS have...well...it takes a long time to sink in that that's true. it's hard to imagine when you're twenty-four and have always had perfect health, that something this debilitating will be part of your life forever now. it took me months to "think" i had accepted it.

think, being the key word.

i didn't accept it. because when the symptoms came back, i kept telling myself it was the flu. a flare up? nah. i'd just had one. couldn't be happening again so soon.

yep, it could. it did. or is, rather. happening right now. my immune system is back to kicking my body's ass full time. it's pretty good at it, too. it's like my body is the bully and my immune system is the mma fighter on bully beatdown.

so anyway, i did freak out a bit. i had a little pity party. there was some part of me that thought foolishly that when i started feeling better months ago, that it would never come back. like i said, even when you're told an illness is chronic and will rear its head at random times in your life...it is hard to accept. so you take the fact and tuck it away, and think you've dealt with it...

sigh...this time i really have to deal with it. after a very disheartening doctor's visit today, i realized that it certainly won't help me any if i wig out like this EVERY time i flare. no doubt the emotional strain makes my condition worse. and really, some people have said they admire me for my attitude and you know what? if i'm going to be sick, i'm going to be the girl that lives each day to the fullest regardless. i won't be unrealistic and try to do things i can't or can't at the time rather....but i am also not going to sit around thinking about how sick i am and making sure everyone knows it. who wants to be around that all day? no one. i don't want that for my family, my friends, and you know what? i don't want that for me.
i deserve better.
i will DO better.
this is not a death sentence. the "chemo pills" are not a death sentence. i have been given blessings that were so promising....that is all i need to focus on right now. that, and getting well. if more of my hair falls out, whatever. i'll survive. i am so much more than my body. the illness of this vessel will NOT hold me back my whole life.

also, during my last bad flare....i made so much progress as a person, helped so many people by example and honestly, it was one of the most wonderful times of my life, pain aside. i need to look at this once again, as an opportunity for growth.

it's not going to take me five years to figure this out, either. i am going to figure it out FAST. i am going to drill it into my head until it is always THERE. i'm going to be somebody people look up to rather than feel sorry for.

isn't that better, anyway? anyone can be a victim. to rise above your trials is the unique thing.

and i am going to do it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

well...you know....

sometimes i wish i had more to offer.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


you watched me
like an escape artist-

never knew
what was coming

where did i go, you often wondered
and when
would i return?

i know you waited for quite some time
but even the greatest of illusions get old
and so one day,
you gave up waiting
all of the thrill was gone

it's only exciting to watch someone disappear
if they return

and i never did.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

a wordvomit, in which i make plans.

first off i'd like to update that reclaiming my ego and vanity is going splendidly. i am sexy and i know it, and so does everyone else. the best part is, i mean this. and this is HUGE progress ;)

so with that out of the way, let's continue...

it's close to eleven-thirty (at least as i am writing this heh) and i'm sitting here, trying to collect the thoughts that have been sort of flurrying through my head all day.

things have been different for me since savvy's visit over the holidays. the winter slump i fight hard not to give into every year has been held at bay as i've begun working on personality traits that have long overstayed their welcome....in fact, they were not welcome in the first place ;)

but that's beside the point. i'm sitting here in my room after being sick the last four days, absolutely stircrazy and wishing that i had something i could do RIGHT NOW to break me out of feeling this way. in my frenzied moments i decided to write up a self-improvement plan.

now, let me just say that i write up these plans oh, every few months or so. it depends on what is going on in my life and how my self-esteem is looking. tonight, at this point, after calling in sick the last three days and not leaving the house much (i picked up some kind of flu, either from the babies or my kids at school...i forgive either ;) ) i am really feeling a little down and not quite myself, so i decided to draw a plan up. i've certainly been less disciplined about eating healthy and my exercise because of being sick....i flat out haven't even been trying the last few days...unfortunately with my UC when i get sick, i REALLY go down...so normal life halts a day or two often times as i rest up and recover.

but anyway...i've got a plan written up now, and i feel accomplished just for writing it ;) now to put it into action! i've got a month until i go to houston to visit savvy and that's going to be my evaluation time...i hope to really see some differences in the next few weeks in my attitude, my self-esteem and my body. i'm really going to focus on toning up my legs and....er...derriere ;) and i'm stoked!

unlike people who write up lists of resolutions each year and never do them, i actually tend to follow through. right now i am really into personal growth and i've made so many amazing changes throughout the last year due to all of my challenges...i always want to build upon that and make sure that those trials have not gone to waste. tomorrow it's back to work and i know i'll feel a LOT better back in my normal routine, and ready to make the weekend a big step in the right direction.

thank goodness for my blog! i swear these wordvomit sessions help me to gather my thoughts SO much....i guess it makes sense that i'm a writer ;)

shelf life.

What's the shelf life of Happiness
When it sits unused
When it's bottled up with every other emotion you're too scared to feel
What's the shelf life of Love
When it's stuck in corners and dark places
Because the last time you used it, it backfired messily
And left you with a gaping hole where your heart should be
Are not for the faint of heart
Anger can overpower
Hate can destroy
Love can heal.....if used the right way
Why aren't there warnings, labels with cautions for users to read?
I'm not sure, but I'd rather risk the backfire
Than to feel Numb and Nothing

Friday, January 13, 2012

the craziest and best year of my life so far...

i've been wanting to write a proper farewell and eulogy for 2011 for a couple of weeks now. i wanted to do it when i really had the time to sit down and do it justice, because the past year has been one of the most challenging, heartbreaking and wonderful times of my life so far.

2011 started off with not quite a bang. i fell seriously ill only a few days into the new year, and two months into it derek and i decided to get a divorce.
but that wasn't all; i also started working a job that has completely changed who i am, my goals and a lot of other things. being forced to eventually quit the job i love so much and move back home, ended up bringing me closer to my family than i have ever been.

i learned a lot about maturity, about who i am and my beliefs. i learned that sometimes things are just too far gone, and you need to let them go. i learned to stop holding grudges.

i learned that i have an infinite capacity for love and a smaller one for hate- and i figured out that i'd rather spend my time and energy on the love side of things.

i learned that i can be happy even when everything in life seems to be going wrong...or rather i should say, when life is hard. i learned that you can suffer and yet have joy at the same time.

i've learned that trials truly are for our experience, and to let the Lord guide my path.

i began 2011 in a childish mindset, and left it as an adult. i am regaining the independence that i lost during the years of my marriage, and the confidence as well.

i saw, through example, what a relationship really should be and what an amazing thing it can be when it's right. i learned never to settle for anything, or to sell myself short.

i can sum it up like this: 2011 could have broken me. instead, it built me. i am self-aware and chose to learn and grow from my mistakes and misfortunes rather than using them as excuses or a crutch. i am now a HAPPY person...regardless of if i'm broke, or ill, or anything else. and i want to make others happy. i have come a long way.

so.....goodbye, 2011. best year of my life so far....but i intend for them only to get better from here!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

sneak peak of the year

me and savvy

i want to write about the holidays and most of all, my time with savvy...but i'm super scatterbrained right now

so i'll just say for now that it was awesome and i'll write about it soon! right now i just have to give a sneak peak of some really awesome things that are going to happen this year- including two trips to houston before the summer, and then MOVING to houston in the summertime!!
the plan is to make a lot of money and kick it in style with my dear friend savvy ;) i'm going out in february and then again in april, we're going to explore the city and get me to know my way around/go to some cool events/just chill in her BEAUTIFUL home etc. it's going to be fantastic and such a great start to the year. i'll blog more about it later, but for now all i can say is I'M STOKED.

happy new year!!! this one's going to be epic ;)