Monday, January 31, 2011

because i'm feeling old school....

i'm breaking this down, myspace style:

1; Have you ever actua​lly sat down and thoug​ht about​ why you like the perso​n you like?​​
oh, absolutely not. i just thought, well, he's good looking. let's get married!

2; When peopl​e say, "​​Hones​tly,​​ I don'​​t think​ I've ever talke​d crap about​ anyon​e" do you believe them? it seems to be human nature to gossip....even though i think it's really lame.

3; Is there​ someo​ne you'​​d reall​y like to hang out with and just talk about​ stuff​?​​
tyler durden.

4; Is there​ somet​hing that has happe​ned in your past that you reall​y hate talki​ng about​?​​
not really. i was stupid in high school, and i've had a really bizarre last couple of years, but i'm always pretty candid about everything. what's the point of hiding?

5; Do you think​ a lot of peopl​e think​ bad thing​s about​ you?
i don't know. i doubt it. if they do, it's their time they're wasting, not mine.

7; Do you regre​t doing​ anyth​ing this week?​​
not yet, but it's only monday. HAHAHAHA

8; Name somet​hing you would​n’t want to buy used?​​

9; When did you last cry?
hmm....the week before last when i was really sick...

10; How late did you stay up last night​?​​
lol i'm such a wimp now, i went to bed at like, nine thirty haha

12; What do you think​ of the most when you are alone​?​​
how sexy i am

13; Suppo​se you see your crush​ kissi​ng anoth​er perso​n,​​ what would​ you do?
omfg. i'd die. at least.

14; Would​ you ever becom​e a veget​arian​ or even vegan​?​​
once i became a slave to trends, certainly watson.

15; Do you like your schoo​l?​​
ha! yes! i loooove my school! (i work at a school so this finally applies to me somehow :P)

16; Are you a flirt​?​​
absolutely. derek doesn't mind.

17; Have you ever held hands​?​
disembodied hands???

18; When was the last time that you went swimm​ing,​​ where​,​​ and what color​ was your swim suit?​​
jeez let's see....on my honeymoon?? sad! i'm going to swim a ton this summer, and i'm stocking up on swimsuits from victoria's secret. score!

19; How often​ do you talk on the phone​?​​
pretty much only when i have to.

21; Did you ever lose a best frien​d?​​
ha! see my previous blog entry. sadly, yes. shizzat happens.

22; Have you ever gotte​n mad becau​se someb​ody said they'​​d call you and you guys made plans​?​
when i was depressed, this was the STORY of my sad little life. you can ask the former best friend about that one.

23; Have you ever met a real life prost​itute​?​​
dude. all the time.

25; Can you do push-​​ups?​​
can i? ummm...maybe. do i? nooooo

27; What is wrong​ with you right​ now?
what is wrong with me? that's not a nice question, yo. nothing is really wrong with me. i'm still a little sick, but i'm better now than i've ever been and it's aweeesome

28; Who do you hate?​​
your grandma. she said she'd bake me cookies, and never did. you'd better tell her to get on that, stat.

29; What do you want in your life right​ now?
hmmm....i have pretty much everything i want. life is seriously amazing :)

30; Are you happy​ right​ now?

31; What are you liste​ning to?
minerva by deftones. Oh, the love. <3

32; Drink​ing?​​
is cool i guess if you like losing control of yourself and making a fool of yourself in front of others....yeah.

33; What is your favor​ite thing​ to have on your bed?
should i answer this honestly? best not to, I think :P

34; Last time you went in a tanni​ng bed?
last month. i was trying to avoid SADD. lawl.

35; What do you wear to bed?
muh berfday suit.
no, just kidding. my house is like, one degree at night. i bundle up.

36; Do you tend to make relat​ionsh​ips compl​icate​d?​​
i probably did at some point. not really anymore.

37; What are you doing​/​​did today​?​​
i went to work, hung out with bekah and went to the store.

39; Have you ever been nomin​ated for somet​hing?​​
nominated for coolest person freaking ever.

42; Do you remem​ber your dream​s?​​
sometimes. the last few nights, they've been really weird. but now i can't remember what they were....

43; Do you read?​​
not as much as i should, but i love it when i do.

44; Who was the last perso​n to call you hun? one.

45; What was the last thing​ you bough​t?​​
orange juice :D

Thursday, January 27, 2011

purging, of sorts

so, i've been wanting to write this blog for awhile. i just haven't known where to begin. even now, i don't know quite where to begin so let me start by saying this:

this blog has absolutely NO ill-intent. i'm not writing it hoping that the person i'm writing about will read it and feel horrible, or feel like i'm talking badly about her, or anything like that. i'm sure she won't even read it, and it's just as well. it's just something i've thought about a lot the last long while and as a writer, this is my way of purging it. blogging.

i kind of want to write about how someone who starts out as good for a person (and vice versa) ends up being someone who is poisonous for a person instead. how my best friend and i went from ridiculously close bff's to...well...i don't know what we are.

i've accepted that we are no longer friends. it's a good thing, i'll say that now. it's good that we're no longer friends but it wasn't always that way. the fact that it is that way is sad to me, but what's done is done.
for the first while after my best friend and i stopped talking, i tortured myself day and night over what went wrong. why did we act so (i know this sounds like a joke, but it's not lol) psycho around each other? why did we make each other needy, dependent and weak? why did we hang out all of the time even though it (felt) like we practically hated each other? when had we STARTED "hating" each other? time after time i pored over the last couple of years, trying to figure out what went wrong.

i factored in my depression, both of our job losses, things like that....but the number one reason i came across was when we moved in together two summers ago.

looking back, i have no idea why we thought it was a good idea at all. i'd only been married a matter of months, was deeply depressed, and jobless. derek was only making enough for us to barely get by. my friend made enough to get by easily. maybe we told ourselves it would save us money. i think truthfully for me, i didn't want to be alone. i knew if we moved in together that i wouldn't feel lonely when derek worked his swing shift job. and i felt that somehow, it would ease my confused feelings about marriage after having depression set in mere months after marrying the man i loved.

i don't know her reasons for wanting to move in with us, but i'm sure they were less weird than my own. so we decided to move in to a house that had enough room that we still thought we'd have our own space.

we were wrong.

weird things happened with jobs when we moved in, and my friend and i ended up working at the same dead-end place. we literally never had time apart. money grew tight, and as it did, resentment started building. i resented her for "making it harder" and i could tell she was resenting me. it seemed like we were both a little depressed now, we never left the house to do anything and ate ourselves sick all the time.

one day i was sitting out on the deck, before she decided to move out, and wondered, what the hell is happening with my best friend and i?

we didn't seem to enjoy hanging out anymore. we seemed to develop a dependence on the other that was weird. we ended up both losing our jobs and spent all day, every day doing nothing.

then, she moved out. at the time, i was mad when she did because i felt she'd left us in a hole financially, which even if it was the case....her decision was a wise one.

but after she moved out, we kept hanging out. it was me, i think. i was scared to lose my best friend even though we desperately needed space. we kept hanging out so much, it wasn't even fun anymore.
i'd always been a confrontational type before the depression. in the midst of it, i became totally non-confrontational. any hint of confrontation made me cry. she had never been very confrontational either, so between us....nothing was being said.
we resented each other because we wouldn't talk about things. about feeling like we were stuck hanging out with each other even when we didn't want to. about everything that was bad about orem. we never spoke about anything, so it began to build up and fester as our dependence on each other grew worse.

at some point, things grew broken beyond repair between us. i was certain that she pretty much hated me by the time we stopped talking. i felt like i might have even hated her a little, too.

but now that more time has gone by, i don't feel anything like that. i look back on that friendship and it's weird to me. it's tired. and it's sad. because we changed from being people who were great friends and good for each other to being horrible, passive-aggressive friends and people who were literally poisonous for one another.

what exactly happened? living together was a horrible idea. but i think the true death of the friendship started when we kept hanging out and didn't allow any space AFTER the fact. we should have. we should have yelled at each other or something, and gotten all of the bad feelings out. we should have stopped talking for awhile, just to take a breather. if we had, things probably could have been salvaged.

instead, we didn't. and i look back at myself when we were friends and shudder because i was such a needy, weird, depressed FREAK about everything. and somehow, we enabled that in each other. and for whatever reason, we couldn't seem to go back.

i've learned to be independent like i used to be now. i do things for myself instead of relying on someone else to help me. i have a job, i have routines and schedules and goals that i hold myself to. i'm a person again. an adult again.

i guess you learn the hard way, when seven years with someone is gone it's almost like a death. but i've learned so much, i wouldn't take it back, even if i wish sometimes that my friend and i could be friends the way we USED to be, when we cheered each other up, pushed each other to be better and were friends the way friends are MEANT to be.

really all i can hope now is that she maybe doesn't hate me. that her life has picked up and improved the way that mine has. and that one day, we both can look past the bitter end and remember the rest instead.

and let me add, i know this blog is really personal. that's fine. my blog is pretty much my journal, so i don't see the point of avoiding certain topics.

holy crap, am i still alive?

pinching myself, and seeing that my skin is no longer gray and my eyes are no longer glazed over i suppose the answer is yes.
yes, yes, yes.

my recovery from whatever the HELL took over my system the last three weeks is slow, but still progress. i've been able to go to work every day this week. (sidenote: i LOVE my job. i can't imagine NOT having a job now. i think back to myself at this exact point last year: jobless, lame, and totally boring and i can't BELIEVE i ever avoided having a job at all)

so yeah....last week i lived at my mom and dad's house so that they could take care of me. i watched lots of movies, talked to my mom a ton and looked at my brother's new baby from across the room longingly lol (longing as in, longing to hold her. not longing for my own. not yet, thank you!)
and aside from being deathly ill (it was decided i resembled a corpse for a few days) it was actually a really good week. it's so cheesy, but i keep discovering so much about myself as time goes on and last week was a week of growth for me. except width-wise, because i kept throwing up. hehe.
anyway, i'm just so grateful that even though i was and am still kind of sick, i have such a great family. i feel like they are all my heroes, especially my mom and dad. they're such great people i'm glad i've always been able to look up to them.
and i'm so grateful for my job, and how understanding they were of me having to take over a week off. i've been so glad to be back this week, it's such a great place.
and i'm grateful for derek, who has had me watching star trek: next generation. nerdiness is awesomeness. for sure.

anyway, that's all the update for now. i'm going to go stuff my face, as my appetite has been insatiable this week. like, seriously.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

effing sick part 2

so, i was feeling better for two days exactly...
and then i felt horrible again.
and i mean HORRIBLE.

i woke up last night shaking so bad that i started crying. and derek had to rush in and comfort me. i know, i'm such a baby. but seriously.

i was given some antibiotics by my doctor. i took them for one day and stopped, because i thought they were making this worse. and because the antibiotics were for something scary and potentially life-threatening and i really didn't want to think that i had that.

well, i'm pretty sure i do. i started taking the antibiotics again today. cross your fingers, pray, send out good vibes, whatever if you can...

i REALLY don't want to go to the emergency room.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


it's ugly. i really, really don't like when people judge others.

i used to be really bad about it. i still struggle sometimes, when people are obsessed with throwing themselves pity parties or get married after knowing someone for two weeks or something.

but that's a new resolution: i'm much better about it now, but i want to be AWESOME about it. as in, NOT judging people, especially in a harsh manner. it's just a waste of energy.

love :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

effing sick

so, right after the most AWESOME holiday in existence

and the best week at work maybe EVER

and, and and.....

i got seriously sick with some kind of psychotic stomach bug.


i haven't been this sick since new jersey. moreso maybe even. and even though i've tried really really hard not to mope, i totally have. the only upside, and this is pushing it, is that i've....lost a little more weight. but i hate even saying that as an upside because i'm already thin enough and it really wasn't worth it lol. still, i'm trying to find a silver lining here.

anyway, i finally feel a bit better this morning. (knock on wood) and i'm hoping to be able to get back to work tomorrow and back to LIFE this weekend. i'm totally sick of my house, and it's become a huge mess. ugh. i have lots of cleaning up to do!

anyway, there's an update. since hanna is about the only person who reads this and she already knows, i don't know how necessary it was but it's all good :D

Friday, January 7, 2011

it's spring on my blog!

now don't think i'm jumping ahead of myself...i've been really good about not wanting the seasons to switch the moment they begin and pining for them once they're over....i'm actually just fine with winter but when it came time to re-decorate my blog, i was feeling for something bright & cheery to suit my demeanor :)

so....while it's still bundle-up weather for another couple of months (i like to pretend march is spring even though half the time it's not, but i mean come on, it doesn't exactly belong under the winter label...) it's sunny on my blog :D

and sunny everywhere i go.

can i just add....i love my job. i love it, i love it, i LOVE it. i cannot believe how blessed i am.

thuh end.

Monday, January 3, 2011

the way of nature and the way of grace....

the last two weeks (the week of Christmas and the week after) made me realize the following things:

i am blessed.
i don't need medication.
i have the best family in the world.
i have the best sister in the world.
i have the best in-laws and husband in the world.
my eating lifestyle has changed for good.
life can be simple if you don't spend all of your time complicating it ;)
life is BETTER simple.
i don't need material things, good weather or faux "busy-ness" to make me happy.
i dodged a huge bullet this year
life is better when you love YOURSELF
life is better when you love God

that's all.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Christmas 2010

i wanted to write a blog about the last two weeks, especially this last week and the awesome time i got to spend with my mom and my sister jenn.

we had such a good time. we watched tons of dr. quinn, ate yummy Christmas treats and helped prepare the food for new year's day :)
i was so, so glad i got to spend the whole week just hanging out with my mom and my sis :) jenn and i used to share a room, and we've always been so close.
now she's busy and i'm even decently busy ;) so we don't get to spend as much time together. this week, we got to hang out every day and i loved it! i'm so, so glad i have such a wonderful family especially my sister and my mom. jenn has always been someone i can rely on, look up to and learn from. she is truly a beautiful, self-sufficient person. whoever she marries will have to battle me to get my approval, because not just anyone gets my sis!!

love ya jenn :)

below i've posted a few pics, some are old and some are new. you can probably tell which :) thanks to the new photo project i'm doing i've been taking a lot more pictures than usual and i'm so glad. i already am grateful i got to document this amazing week with my family.

my wedding day :)

classic "us" myspace style lol


my mom has always thought this was a really weird picture haha

naf days in the old building

dq while preparing for the new year's feast :D

we made awesome queso dip

sisters :)