Saturday, May 25, 2013

i think the moon worked me into a frenzy!

tonight i went driving to run an errand. it was just barely dark....the edges of the valley were smudged with residual nine o' clock. nine o' clock and lightness! my heart was soaring.

i drove with my music blasting. the moon was full tonight and let me tell you- she was a sumptuous beast of a moon! i kept looking out my window while driving, very aware that getting in a car wreck due to the moon was the last thing i needed right now. (just got out of the hospital....and the MOON puts me back's like a bad olden day fairy tale or something)

anyway, i felt so alive tonight. the air was teeming with the noises of bugs and birds and wind in the trees. i passed so many people walking! some in groups, some alone. i was blasting my rock n' roll thinking back to summers before, and how they were always times of excitement for me.

so be it once more! i am ready to shake off the chains from my last stage of life to SOAR to the next!! and hiking this entire state is just one part of that. working again with kids i love is a HUGE part of it. going to school and anything and everything having to do with medicine is a MASSIVE part of it, because my interest in medicine has taken me over and i'm so jazzed about it and so wound up....i'm excited to start! i'm excited to see how well i'll do, how i can push myself because i know i'm smart and i want to test those limits! and the exercise plan...whew, don't even get me started on whole outlook is so different now, i enjoy things i really didn't used to like before...and knowing that i've survived what i have, and with DIGNITY- that allows me the confidence to pretty much try anything and know that i can do it.

i'm like a kid again! with those boundless hopes and seeing endless opportunity stretching before me. i intend to do a lot-and i intend to add a little magic to everything i do :)

but, words are cheap. in the me!
you WILL see :)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

schemers trying to control their little worlds...

today i feel full to bursting with a certain knowledge. it's something i've learned over the last long while through my marriage ending, my illness and the surgeries.

you cannot make a person feel or be ANYTHING.

you can't force loyalty, love, respect. you can't control where people decide you belong in their life no matter how hard you try. think you can? sorry, but you can't. if you're a controlling person by nature, like i (was), then that sucks to hear. you may even be in denial about it for awhile. but it's a fact, and the thing about facts and truths is that you can't alter them to fit your vision, either. no matter how hard you try and how hard you may want to. you can't make something so just because you pretend it is. in fact, going along pretending something IS when it's an absolute truth otherwise is sheer insanity! but we do it anyway.

let me give an example...i used to HATE winter. (i don't really love it now, even). i hated it so much, that i pretty much pretended it didn't exist. if you live in a place like utah, where it's winter for a big chunk of the year, and winter is REALLY really wintry...then you know how absolutely nuts it is to pretend otherwise. but i pretty much did. so guess what? i failed at dealing with winter. my SAD would come rear its ugly head every year and completely own my face, because i refused to learn how to cope with winter. i was too busy ignoring its existence. but guess what? it didn't go anywhere. nope, winter showed up every year like clockwork (who'd have thought?! ha) and like clockwork, i was miserable every year. and everyone around me knew it. just ask derek. there is a reason i believe the guy should be nominated for sainthood ;)

anyway, long story short is this....when i got sick, ignoring it just made it worse. to the point that i almost died a couple of times. so, i started to learn. but i REALLY learned when i had to have the dreaded bag. i hated it. it was my worst nightmare come true. and i couldn't pretend it away. it was there, and i couldn't  control it. in fact, my surgery was rescheduled SEVERAL times...i believe with all of my heart that this happened to teach me this lesson. i could NOT control when my surgeries were. i could NOT wish the bag away. i learned to deal with it, to accept it. i learned to wait for the surgeries. i learned that i couldn't make other people understand what it was like to have the bag, and that i didn't want to waste energy on trying to. i learned to relinquish control. to STOP trying to control everything and everyone around me. people don't like when you try to control them. it pushes them away. i've learned for myself that i refuse to allow anyone ELSE manipulate or try to control me, either. and man, it's been a lovely change!! why didn't i figure all of this out sooner? ;)

i've just learned, though it's taken a LONG time, that the thing you CAN control is yourself. your reactions, your feelings. i could learn to stop hating the bag, and deal with it. i could learn to be patient and see something good in having to wait for my surgeries rather than being angry about it. the awesome thing about nobody but you controlling you is that nobody can make you be ugly about something. nobody can make you feel hate or anger or any of those kinds of emotions. just ask emperor palpatine...he really would have loved to force luke to feel anger...but it didn't work ;)

but seriously....the worst things can happen and you can meet them any way you wish, no matter how hard anybody may try to make you feel to the contrary. that's a freedom that can't be taken away! there's true dignity in that.
you cannot FORCE anybody to feel or be anything. you cannot control other people. the sooner you relinquish your stranglehold on everything, the happier you'll be. i realized that i wasted a lot of energy trying to control everything around me. it takes a lot less energy to learn to control yourself.
take it from someone who has grown from being a very controlling person.

of course....i can't MAKE you do anything ;)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

a love letter to life.

 this post comes after one of the more difficult weeks i've had. my last hospital stay was really tough and i was finding it REALLY hard not to be negative and defeatist for some reason. luckily, i have an amazing support system around me, including my dearest missionary jenn. by the time i left the hospital, i was feeling like a different person. it's been a really amazing week!    

   it is absolutely INCREDIBLE to me the way that life works. i am baffled day after day by how honestly beautiful it is to be human, by what complex beings we are and our endless potential. i know i might sound cheesy and maybe even a little pretentious in my wording, but seriously...

life has stretched and molded and tested me in ways these past few years i would never have imagined. i have gone through things that i don't think i would have anticipated surviving when i was nineteen or twenty, before all of this really "began". my view of myself used to be so one-dimensional. who i was, what i cared about, the things i wanted...they were like little strips of paper taped to a posterboard, just waiting to blow away with the next strong wind. just waking up and LIVING each day is such a different experience now than it was a few years back. i feel like my soul was shaken awake from slumbering through adolescence. my soul, the old part of me, the infinite part. it's as if it were in hibernation and finally shook off the sleep and came into action. the lens i see the world through is just so different than i ever imagined it would be. i feel like there's an understanding in me that only that old part of me which has always existed somehow, could possibly possess. in so many ways, i feel limitless! and i am meant to be limitless. we all are!

i hope for EVERYONE to have the chance to view life through a different lens, to struggle and to transcend. to realize that you are a LIMITLESS being, worth so much more than you or i could possibly understand. we are able to experience life on such a grand scale- every moment can be filled with emotion and every moment can mean something. the dark places you find yourself in, you are meant to rise from. you are meant to BE MORE. going through things that seem hard and horrible serves to broaden your very capacity as a human being. take every chance to take on the hard things and RISE ABOVE them. WIN. go to bed every night knowing you've accomplished something and that you're on your way to being the best human being you possibly can be, and living to your maximum potential. the more you do this, the more you realize what you are capable of. and when you know what you're capable of, you will stop letting things happen TO you and you will HAPPEN instead. you will never again be satisfied being a victim of anything.

human beings are the most amazing and beautiful of creation. like i said above, i am honestly baffled daily by the experience i get to have in living. we are not animals, passively going through life with limits on what we can be. we are granted that capacity to become MORE, and all i want for everyone is to realize that. in that realization there is unimaginable joy.

-love, me