Thursday, July 28, 2011

what love is

i miss my kids. i miss them more every single day.

all i want right now is to go back and work with them again. i know if i get another classroom job, i will love those kids as well. but i want MY kids back. and it's hard to be powerless about it.

i try not to think about having that job again, because the pain and disappointment if/when it doesn't happen, will be so much. but still, i dream about it. i dream about being back at the school with them. sometimes i think about what it would be like to work there when i'm not, quite literally dying. i loved it so much during one of the hardest times in my life. i know i would love it fifty times more now.

i just hope.....i just pray....

Saturday, July 23, 2011

when the music's over

oh, life.

just when i think i know where you're going, you throw me for a mondo-loop.

it's weird how life gets easier and harder at the same time. certain things crumble while other things build. life can be standing still in some ways and racing along in others.

there is turmoil at home. i am getting used to this colitis, and trying to get the motivation to tackle it a little better. i feel like i'm not doing everything that i can, and it bugs me. i'm dying to get a job working with kids. my life had more meaning when i was doing that than it ever has before. i had an interview on thursday, and i've applied for a lot of them, all things in good time.

the turmoil at home makes being home difficult sometimes. i'm ready to get my divorce going so i can put this phase of life behind me. the part of me that is still in this marriage feels trapped, like i was meant to move on a long time ago. i'm fighting being impatient with circumstance.

i crave independence. and freedom. when i was sick, i grew so much. i want to keep growing. i don't want to have to be dying to do so.

i am happy. truly, i am. but everybody has Those Days, and this is one of them.

Friday, July 8, 2011


so, i know i'm barely in that picture but bekah looks really cute! i just wanted to blog about how absolutely awesome she is. we go on drives and listen to great music :) bekah LOVES music....she reacts to it the way that it makes you FEEL, but she shows her reaction rather than just feeling it inside. she has great music tastes too :P i won't take credit for all of it, but she's listened to some of my favorite bands with me and loves them all :) queens of the stone age, the doors, them crooked vultures....totally she really enjoyed led zeppelin.
we have lots of inside jokes, too. bekah always knows how to make me smile. and she knows how to tease me ;) but i know how to tease her, too hehe. we have a very similar sense of humor.
i'm glad i'm hanging out with her this week :)