Friday, April 30, 2010

inner beauty's shot to let's get rid of outer beauty too!

so, i came across this quote from jamie lee curtis this morning that really got me thinking. the quote is pretty epically-timed, especially in light of this whole "heidi montag surgery fiasco" (admittedly i haven't watched the hills since the first season and heidi annoys the living hell out of me, but i digress). here's jamie lee's quote below:

“Our dissatisfaction with what we look like has reached epidemic proportions. Just look around you: People don’t look right. Lips, eyes, hair, weaves, implants. It is a freak show being fed by the business it generates, a modern-day Surgical Industrial Complex.”

whew. yeah. you burn 'em, jamie lee.
i mean...the quote is pretty harsh but it's her opinion, and in more or less words i have to say i agree. since hearing about it here and there (i don't live in a cave after all lol) i have started to sort of follow the heidi montag fiasco and i have to say....something just isn't right in the world when a girl can walk around looking like that and ANYONE thinks it looks okay.

now i'm all for varied beauty and varied ideas of beauty but let's get real here...the problem with heidi's look is it's the opposite of "Varied". it's the ultimate stereotype. she's more plastic than a barbie and has a lot less of a brain from what i've the same time, i have to say it's really sad what she's done to herself. i personally don't think she was pretty before, but a lot of people what made her completely transform herself into a lump of plastic? she's lucky she doesn't live in arizona, she'd melt in the summertime...

anyway...back to jamie lee's quote....she's absolutely right. it sounds harsh, but it's a harsh reality we're facing after all.
i understand that people have different aesthetics when it comes to beauty, and i appreciate that. but to be honest, heidi represents, along with so many other "dime a dozen" hollywood 'beauties' that we're losing something very special....individuality.
it's not even surgery that i'm against. i probably won't ever get surgery because i'm terrified of it and frankly, i'm a total wimp and i heard that it hurts like hell...but some people want it for various reasons and that's fine....i say as long as it's not an attempt to "fix" a deep underlying psychological issue or dissatisfaction with something deeper...go right ahead.
no, it's something else that's sad about this situation. it's the fact that people ARE becoming more and more obsessed with looking 'one certain way' that they think is okay or beautiful because that's what society is telling them.
i hate to think that one day the beauty in slightly big or crooked noses, imperfect proportions and thin lips/ age-worn bodies will be completely nonexistent. it's already being shunned now as it is, and i think it's a real shame. part of beauty is character. how much character does a person like heidi montag have (strictly referring to looks character here) when she has the appearance of a blowup doll?
i just hope that our appreciation for "natural" beauty and quirks and the things that make us all unique doesn't completely disappear within the next twenty years. i'd loathe to see the day when there are thousands of heidi montags (attempting) walking around because looking like THAT is the only way to be "beautiful."

i just want people to determine for themselves what's beautiful instead of buying into what they're TOLD is beautiful.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


i have been inspired by a very REAL post of a friend to her finally just let out all of the emotions and troubles my heart has had since moving here.

as more days have gone by, i have really felt over and over that i don't want to be here. since arriving, our lack of money, poor weather and sheer lack of motivation have torn down the healthy routines i had gotten myself into prior to moving. i haven't been able to eat the healthy food my body needs, i haven't been able to do much working out and what's worse is i have just simply lost the motivation to do so. i feel as if this place is throwing me backwards, which makes me both angry and upset.
wasn't i given blessings saying this was what we were supposed to do? that this was going to be good for me? so far it's been the opposite, and while at first i was determined to put on a good face for people about this....i don't want to right now. i want to let it all out because holding it in is making me physically ill.
being here has thrown in my face everything i'm not. it's challenged my dwindling sense of self more than i thought it would. i've questioned who i am and if i'll ever get back to that person more and more since arriving here.
i thought i'd act strong, but why? because of pride? because i know that certain people may want to see me fail and i don't want to feed into that?
whatever the reasons, they're not good enough for me to hold this in anymore. i'll just let it out. i'll say it.
i'm not happy i'm here right now. i've lost the months-long motivation to lose the last bit of this weight. it's killing me to admit that. it kills me more to admit that i don't know how to get it back.
i feel like i'm slipping into depression all over again being here, except this time i don't even have medication to help me.
i need something
i need prayers.
please, please pray for me.
anyone who reads this, please.
i hardly ask for them, but i need them now.
i can't have this be another failure, and right now i feel helpless.
if i fail at this, i honestly don't know how i'll go on.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

oops, i forgot.

the captain and i have been saying that a lot since arriving here.
oops, we forgot.
forgot to bring at least one pot or pan. forgot candles or air fresheners (something i'm nuts about, especially with the wee little doggie around)forgot to bring my phone charger...that one's a classic

my favorite part was i forgot to pack a lot of my comfort clothes. by comfort clothes i mean the kind you throw on when you don't care what you look like....
at first, i was a bit dismayed because i'm used to wearing them....but then i figured well...i'm far too used to putting on the kind of clothes that you wear when you don't care what you look like.
i do care what i look like, so i need to start acting like it. and not only that, but there's irony in forgetting to bring comfort, "in-your-element" clothing. i'm not remotely in my element in this place, nor am i yet one hundred percent i recall coming here was to help us gtfo of this rut we've nicely fallen i guess forgetting the ratty sweats was probably a blessing in disguise...
i'm getting more used to being here. it will seem more permanent and real when sara and cody get here, and when the captain and i actually start seeing some money from this endeavor. not to fear however, since he went out to do his first install today. i'm not worried about it. i'm patient.

it's been pretty cool and windy since moving feels like early spring at best, and i hope that the summer gets hot enough here for it to actually feel like summer....
i have a feeling though, that i won't feel that it was actually summer anyway... because i won't be spending it here:

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

old friends, new outlooks

"we both always said we thought love was a rare commodity and hardly anyone ever found it."

i love digging through old emails from friends almost as much as i love stuffing my face with a symphony bar, which i shouldn't be doing but i don't care....

my friend george and i have a huge history, going back to when i was sixteen. the first night we met i remember he gave his best attempt to alienate me. for whatever reason, it didn't work and we were amazingly close from that point on. when i think of my teen years i'll always inevitably think of george. we were like yin and yang, except we were both yin. we ran hot and cold and never apologized for anything we said or did, even

to each other. our friendship was deep on a level that was almost odd...people thought we were in love 99% of the time...and maybe we were, in a completely not-in-love way.

so cheesy, it's true, but our friendship was full of contradictions that made perfect sense. we were gatsby and nick. or maybe gatsby and daisy. each other's green lights.

now that i've been cryptic enough i'll just say i've enjoyed paying this enormous tribute to an old friend who recently, has become a new friend once again. where we both once held firm to certain viewpoints and personality traits we're now both grateful that we've grown up, and in doing so hope that our friendship will prevail through this new period of our lives. getting back home to utah is all the more exciting knowing that george will be there, waiting for me.

if i'm guren you're....well....not the deformed guy who protected her, that's for're totally kabuto :D

toxicology ftw :P

Saturday, April 24, 2010

a letter i can't send


for some reason, i wanted to see how you were doing. i went to your blog, and was surprised at what i saw. everything is going wonderfully for you, and i couldn't help but be pleased.
it was weird, but it made me happy.
i'm so glad you were able to find a job, and that you're taking on your future with school. i'm sure you've found new friends, and i hope you've found your faith too.
i feel silly that i care. i feel like i should have just "moved on" and never thought about you again. but i'm human. aren't we all? you and i were friends for years. i still want to see you happy.
i wish i could send you this letter. i would like for you to know how proud i am of you. it's not my place to be proud. we don't talk anymore and i'm not in your life but i'm proud anyway. i'm proud and a little sad. i never knew our friendship was holding us back so much. why is it that now that we're not friends, our lives have suddenly moved so much better? here i am, across the country having new experiences and taking life on for the first time in nearly two years...and there you are getting a job and starting school. why couldn't we do these things as friends? i guess i'll never know. i'm sorry we held each other back so much. i'm glad all the same that we're finally going places.
i guess i just wish we could have gone places as friends.

i'm here now, sitting in a strange city and i'm excited and scared. there's this part of me that wishes i could talk to you about it because you'd understand. part of me wishes we were still going to have those doofy meetings about our graphic novel and whatever. part of me wishes you were still going to come out here to visit me.
i'm here now in this strange city and i'm more compelled than ever to meet every goal i've set. to lose this last ten pounds, to meet all sorts of (admittedly, really rude) east coasters, to see lots of sights and just LIVE. i'm more compelled than ever because if our friendship had to END for us to fly....then there's no way in hell i'm staying on the ground.

thank you,

i hope you go far.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

i'm here.....across the country....

and it's weird.
but awesome.
seriously. awesome.
i can't believe i'm here :)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

when the smoke is going down

i'm pretending to be a person much braver than i really am by going to philly this upcoming week.
there's "me", the person who kinda took over when the "great depression" hit me....this "me" is scared sick to leave everything i know behind, paranoid about ridiculous things happening over the summer and content to live in her shell forever....presumably to never get a job or go to school, or do anything hard because it's "scary."
needless to say, that part of me (is it really even a genuine part of me?) is a loser.

the person i'm pretending to be by going to philly isn't scared of anything, really. she's certain that she'll get a job out there, see tons of wonderful sights and meet lots of people. this person looks at the summer as the chance to regain her former effing glory by doing everything the other part is afraid of.....
that's the real me.

i never knew that getting me back would be such a task. but this summer is going to be it....after all of the excuses i tried to make not to go, after everything i have tried to be afraid of...the captain (hubby, lol) and i are still going to philly...and we're not looking back...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

will be amended...

has it really been five days since i've blogged? wow. i fail. (hides)
but seriously....i'll be back here to write an actual blog either later tonight or tomorrow.....

Monday, April 5, 2010


i've always loved the desert
the way that everything's eerie
barely clinging to life
such a desperate sort of beauty

one day
when the sunset drips down the horizon
the orange and red bleed into a soft purple
i'll be there
a hot breeze across my cheek
beginning to wear on me
weathering me
like everything else around me

what sings at night there?
night time is when everything comes alive
surely there aren't lullabies like there are here
no, an entirely different song is sung
to an entirely different world

and i, a stranger
will listen and watch
until i meld into it

never to return

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I couldn't write much today, I've been in a slump as of late but I figured even a survey is better than nothing. For some reason I'm using caps and I don't know why, I never do when I blog. Not because I'm retarded but because it interrupts my thought flow to use caps for some reason...yet punctuation doesn't. Odd. I don't ask how my brain works and neither should you.
I want it to be warm.
I really want to stop eating this chocolate.
I'm going to be stuck working out hours a day next week.
Ah well...bring it on.

PS...following suit with my dear friend and referring to my husband as "the captain" why? because i'm not original enough for anything else and i love the sound of music. kay. without furthor ado...


I need suggestions. It's hard for me to take 90% of the crap on the shelves these days seriously. Blame me being a writer for it, I don't know. Looks like I'm reading the Great Gatsby for the millionth time. (Goes and finds copy)

Naruto Soundtrack/Forgive Me by Leona Lewis. I feel lame about that last one but hey, it's catchy.

Frequently worn outfit/item
Black shirts.

Blushing Cherry Blossom, Bath and Body Works. I'm all uppity about scents correlating with seasons. Don't hate.

But-tons. I'm intent on looking like an anime character. Pfft. I wish.
I can has sushi? PLZ?!

Diet Pepsi

Guilty pleasure


Bane of my existence

Warm weather. The captain. My newfound friend/lovalova


Anticipation, huh? You don't want to know. Sex, probably. WHAT?!

Wish list

Lose this last very insistent ten pounds and GTFO of here for the summer already. Oh, and please let me write something decent again soon. Please. Not even being able to muster thoughts decent enough for this blog is really bad news.

I wish I was an anime character.


i hate ending every day
wishing i'd done better

in a month i'll be somewhere else
maybe my days won't end this way

maybe every night
i'll go to sleep with a smile
because my day was filled
with dozens of things
big and small
that were full of meaning

instead of going to bed
trying to reassure myself that tomorrow will be better
yes it will be better
i won't eat so much
i won't say that kind of thing
i won't act so needy

maybe when i get back
i can see this place through new eyes
eyes not heavy
with regret

Friday, April 2, 2010


"i don't know," he said. "i don't know what we are."
it thrilled her.
oh, how it thrilled her.
he knew good and well "what" they were,
but he never wanted to admit it.
and for some reason, it made her adore him all the more.
well, maybe adore was the wrong word.

that her pulse quickened when she saw him...
the moths, as she decided they were, in her stomach...
went absolutely mad with his touch
his kiss destroyed her
the sound of his voice sent tumbles of chills down her back

but she hated when he was affectionate
she didn't want him to hold her hand
he would disappear for weeks
he never called her
even by her name

and she loved it

she adored it

she hated him