Tuesday, November 30, 2010

medication for us all....it's a new way....

so, today i began the process of trial and error with ADD medications. for the next couple of months

i was avoiding this, like the plague.

not just any plague, mind you. THE plague. the black death. you know....

i'm not a fan of having to be on drugs. a couple of years ago when depression hit me like a ton of bricks, i was on ambien, an anti-spasmoadic for my stomach problems and wellbutrin, and i hated every minute of it.
all i could think of was, is this it for me? will i have to be on drugs my whole life to be 'normal'?

so i cold-turkeyed them all and took matters into my own hands.

well, now i've done everything i can humanly do for myself. i exercise, i eat right and i have a job. i have hobbies. (well, i try to) i tried various herbal remedies and while lots of them are helpful, some of the stronger ones made me feel like a pothead and i'm not a pothead for a reason. i have no desire to feel high.

so i digress....after all of this...i knew: i have add, and i may need meds to help it.
my brother has it and we have the same symptoms, and i've read up enough about add to know. somewhere in all of my praying and pondering about how to help myself further, i realized i may just have to be that person who takes medication for years.

my whole life, even.

but without it, i can't have a life. not the kind i want, anyway. i've made all the progress i can alone. now i need that last bit of help.
(and this has a lot to do with reading seven habits, and changing my perception about medication and all that)

so today i started an add medication that's supposed to be a less-scary version of the rest of them. and if it doesn't work, i get to try the scary ones.
(they're not just scary though- they do great things for people with add, but there's also concerns with them i won't go into on this blog because i've decided not to focus on the negative side)

i have high hopes that one of these medications will work for me. that what's left of my anxiety with leave, that i'll have the attention span to do things i love again. that i won't be afraid to go to school because my lack of attention span, and that i'll be less irritable, etc.

my doctor told me that add drugs make the difference of night&day for add sufferers.
and since i'm doing all i can for myself otherwise, forming new good habits and trying to keep myself busy.....

i'm going to trust that.

i'll update on how it goes.

for now, i'm feeling optimistic :D

Monday, November 29, 2010


i realized the other day, i don't have many friends.

and i'm being honest about this. honest because i'm not sure how i really feel about it, and how i really should feel about it.

i had a friend for years who, after i got married, became my only friend. i just didn't feel like keeping up with anyone else i used to know, especially since i'd known a lot of them in a time of life i wanted to move past. therefore, always a person who'd had a decent amount of friends- i became a person with only one friend.

(let me add that this does not count my family, because being truly honest they are my best friends, especially my mom and my sis. this is purely about non-familial relationships)

well this one friend and i ended up becoming really, really weirdly dependent on each other. we hung out more than my husband and i did. we hung out even when we didn't want to, until everything that made us friends seemed to be gone and in the end we only made each other angry.

needless to say, that friendship bit the dust. and since, it hit me that i didn't have very many friends and the ones i had i didn't see too often. or, they lived far away. it sort of baffled me. i wasn't someone who'd ever had a hard time making friends. i thought about before i got married, and how i used to be the one that made everyone laugh in groups of friends. i remember being at my friend jesse's house and entertaining a whole room of people like i was some sort of stand-up comedian. and i wasn't trying to be the annoying person who took all of the attention in the room lol, that was just how it ended up.
i thought about that, and then wondered....what the eff happened?

i never wanted to be one of those people who got married and never hung out with anyone but their husband. i'm not from the school of beliefs that once you're married, you don't have friends. but somehow, only hanging out with that one friend so much and the onset of my social anxiety tanked me having friends. and it's weird.

part of me thinks, after the horrible experience with that dependent friendship, that i'm afraid to make friends. it's not necessarily that i'm worried it will happen all over again, but i don't want to be the person who got away from that only to fall into the exact same pattern with another friend. and though i honestly don't think that will happen, because it's not in my nature to do so....part of me still thinks 'what if'....

part of me also thinks that i've just gotten good at isolating myself. and i think about my family, and how my mom and my sister really are my best friends.

but then i think, i really do have friends. i remember when it was my birthday this last year, and so many people wished me happy birthday on facebook. i was surprised anyone even did, for some reason i didn't expect that at all. it reminds me i do have friends, i just have gotten used to being alone and making people outside my family an afterthought. it's kind of horrible i think, and i feel bad i've been that way to people i care about.

and then of course reading that wonderful book, (7 habits) i decided i need a paradigm shift where people and friends are concerned. and so being a friend is my new goal- to people i've just met, and people i've known all along that i haven't been enough of a friend to.

and that is that.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


the night before my family left on their cruise, i had a breakdown.

the weather had been sad and stormy all week, i'd just recovered from being sick and now everyone was going on a tropical cruise vacation- without me.
you can only imagine the boo-hooing that went on.

anyway.....i had a breakdown, because i'd missed work from being sick, and missing work had me doubting my job and my ability to successfully DO my job. suddenly i was self-sabotaging, (something i'm all too familiar with). i was thinking about how i wanted more money, wanted to be able to go out and do stuff and the long and dark winter was just beginning...and the world looked so bleak that i began to just sob.

jenn, my beautiful and completely self-aware never-boohooing sister, pulled me aside and handed me a book. "the seven habits of highly effective people."

"read this while i'm gone," she said. she flipped a few pages into it. "see look: here's the circle of concern- the things you worry about that you have no control over, and the circle of influence- the things you worry about that you DO have control over." i looked down at the book through tear-swollen eyes, saw the circles of concern and KNEW: THIS BOOK WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO READ.

"it talks about being proactive versus reactive," jenn continued. "seriously...this book has changed me." i looked at my sister, earnestly offering me this book that she said meant so much to her, and grabbed it like i was drowning and it was a little doughnut life-preserver. (cute image, i know :P) after all, i figured, jenn's so put-together and self-aware. i always look at her with such admiration, anything she recommends is a must-see, must-do, must-read, must-follow.

"we'll talk about it when i get back," she promised, and i left that night with a splitting headache from crying, but with renewed hope in the form of the book.

let me say, a couple of days later and only eighty-seven pages into it, it hasn't let me down. i've been glued to this book, trying to cram in time to read while juggling other responsibilities. as i read the first dozen or so pages talking about reactive versus proactive people, principles and paradigms, i felt liberated. that's me! i felt like shouting when i read the tendencies of a reactive, dependent person. i felt more elated than troubled by the fact that i'd become reactive and dependent over the last few years. yeah, it sucks that it's happened....but all the same, the growth that is available to me and the explanations for WHY some of the things have fallen apart in my life the last couple of years had me feeling hopeful rather than ashamed or discouraged. suddenly, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. when i read that reactive people are affected by the weather and proactive people MAKE their own weather, i knew this book was going to mean something huge to me ;)

i'm sick of blaming things: weather, people around me, not having enough money, the way i look, whatever for my happiness or lack thereof. i've made a lot of progress especially the last couple of months in these areas but lately it was as if i'd hit some sort of wall and needed a ladder to scale it to keep going, only i didn't know where to find the ladder.

well, i've found it. and i'm climbing that wall and OWNING myself again like i used to, and even more than i ever have! i am going to ACT, instead of being ACTED UPON.
yeah, i don't have money coming out of the wazoo. derek and i both have jobs and the ability to make and save money, so that is something i can master. yeah, i may be in pain 24/7 but i know i will be, it's likely that i'll be in pain the rest of my life.....i can TRANSCEND that pain. i can rise above it and say, yes i'm in pain. but i'm NOT going to let it affect me or control me anymore.

i realized when thinking about the circles of concern and influence that a huge percent of what troubles me on a day-to-day basis are things that are in my circle of influence. meaning that i can do something about them. that thought alone fills me with joy. it's going to be a process, one that i have to commit to and work hard on, but i absolutely will. i've been shackled by self-imposed limitations for the last few years and it's like someone just gave me the key: i'd be a fool not to use it.

and this is only eighty-seven pages in! i can't wait to read the rest :D

a quote from the book to sum it up: "lift off takes a tremendous effort, but once we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension."

watch me fly.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

winter weirdness...

okay so here's the deal:
i have this thing with the weather and seasons, where i always want it to be a certain season when it's NOT that season, and the minute it becomes that season i don't want it to be anymore....

whew. confusing. and i feel like i've blogged about this before, but i'm too lazy to go back and look to see lol.
okay, to amend what i said earlier, i haven't ALWAYS been this way....truly it started because tanya and i would hype ourselves so much for seasons and then do none of the things we planned when we arrived....we didn't have this problem until the last couple of years, either. it was one of those weird things that happened when our friendship morphed into something freakish haha

anyway...so i've been battling this whole "i love this season....just kidding i hate it" thing since about august...when summer was ending i came to truly like a lot of things about summer, and the outdoors (see my outdoors post :D) but most of the summer was still sadly wasted i honestly feel like...and then fall and winter began....

i was looking forward to winter. and to be honest, i do like the cold a lot. i love the holidays and fall fashion. i love a lot of things about winter, like snow. but i don't like driving in the snow in my little car (still working on possibly trading it in) and i don't like the lack of sun and i especially hate WET, RAINY fake snow. like what we had tonight. i'm trying to really keep myself in the moment here and not demonize winter, and it's been harder than i wanted it to be because to be frank i tend to get depressed in the winter.

the good news is, kava kava has helped a lot. and so does kratom. i ordered a bunch and it arrives tomorrow, so i'm really looking forward to that. but aside from a bit of herbal help, the rest falls on me. i'm the one who needs to make sure that i have a good, fun winter. i need to make sure to do all i can to not let the weather get me down. i need to enjoy the holidays and not get ahead of myself so that when spring rolls around i'm ready to enjoy THAT as well, and not suddenly be wishing for winter again.

(it sounds nuts, i know...just a lame habit i let myself fall into a couple of years ago)
but i'm determined to break it!
and thus far, i'm doing well. i'm focusing on the good things, planning on going into tanning beds with sunscreen on if need be to catch some rays to keep any seasonal depression at bay....

and the rest, as they say, will be history!

i'll keep the blog updated on how banishing this weirdness goes :D

i should note, i have high hopes. i have a job. i've lost and maintained the weight that i want and don't binge eat, EVER anymore. i've gotten rid of all those bad habits that accompanied the last two years of my life. so i KNOW i can do this, too.

Friday, November 12, 2010


so, i may have to Christmas-ify this blog a little earlier than most people would.....
it's november eleventh and i'm already so stoked on Christmas, i can't even say! hickory farms has set up their booth in the mall, all of the other stores have got their christmas decorations and products up and going. i think my blog shall join them :D

and soon, my house

(but first i have to take down the halloween decorations....shhh, don't tell anyone)
it's true, i haven't taken them down yet because i'm lame.
maybe that's what i'll do this morning.....

so the blog will be made over into something holiday-ish and cheery very soon! i'm soso stoked. my mom ordered me my own box of red velvet petit fours from the swiss colony. even though i don't drink soda really ever anymore, i'm going to make an exception for some martinelli's.

and i can't wait to buy my own tree! i want a real tree this year. i LOVE the smell of pine.

woooo! bring on the holiday season!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

las vegas

i can't wait to go in less than a month! i can't wait to make that drive down in the desert, i LOVE the drive from here to las vegas.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

daylight savings

i hate it.
i hate hate hate it.
well, at least, i hate it when it's winter.
i despise how early it gets dark. talk about wanting to lock yourself in a tanning bed and never come out...(because of the lack of sun, not for actual tanning ;) )
no but seriously....i've been excited for winter. and then daylight savings came, and i realized how early it's going to get dark and it made me hurt a little inside.
and mostly because i'm sort of scared that depression will hit...
(it always seems to get worse in the winter)

i'll just have to pray like crazy that i'll be okay and won't turn into a mopey, sad mess.

at least derek and i are going to las vegas with my parents in december. that will be nice. the problem isn't really december, though. it's january and february. and who are we kidding, despite it being the month of my birthday, march sucks too.

i decided this morning (after staying up late last night)
that i hate staying up late and sleeping in. i don't know how i did it for like, a year and a half. i love waking up early because i absolutely love the morning.
however, i haven't been waking up early enough. i wake up about eight thirty or nine. now that daylight savings has hit, i want every minute of the daylight that i can have so i'm going to begin adhering to a strict schedule that involves getting up at seven and going to bed at eleven.

it sounds boring, but it allows me to have the time to work out and get in a good few hours at work every day. i also need to set aside an hour for violin practice as well.

so now this blog is rambling into a whole different subject....but whatever....
the reason i'm adhering to a strict schedule is because i putz around too much. seriously. i wake up with the best of intentions to get a bunch of stuff done, but then i get sidetracked reading something or being on my computer...
i'm really tired of having that problem, so i'm going actually be writing down when to do what for the next while. yeah sure, it makes me feel like a kid or something but who cares. i need to stop dawdling and if it works, it works.....

the weather is beautiful today, but this week it's supposed to snow. i need to get on that maybe getting a new car business, and fast.....

and admittedly, i'm dreaming of a place far from here that a dear friend has sent me pictures of, wishing i were there instead :D

Saturday, November 6, 2010

stage presence....

tonight we went and saw the scarlet pimpernel at the hale center theatre and i left the show on a high.

now, anyone who knows me and jenn knows our special background with the scarlet pimpernel. we have watched the movie about a million times, and two years ago we even threw a scarlet pimpernel ball for which we rented outrageously gorgeous gowns and danced the night away. we love that movie. we love the music for the play. up until now i'd never seen the play, but i all but had the music memorized because i loved it so much.

we went and saw the play on opening night and it was good-

but when we went and saw it tonight, we got to see the other actor performing chauvelin. and OMG. words cannot describe this man's performance. he electrified the stage. he had such amazing stage presence, it was like seeing a whole different play. don't get me wrong, i liked it the first time. but this actor brought so much to the role. it was beautiful. i was all but wanting to scream at the end because he was so amazing.

it made me think about my writing, and the characters i'm writing and about how one of them can affect them all. for instance, the cast seemed to play off of this actor differently and almost better than the other one (and seriously, not trying to knock him because he was great but it was pretty much a whole different character in his interpretation) and therefore the whole play seemed different and so much better. this guy's face....you knew every thought he had. he owned that stage, and he commanded everyone's attention.

i want to write my characters that way. i want the reader to feel the tension, to be commanded by my characters. i want them to put the book down on a high from what they just read,

just like i left the theatre tonight grinning like a crazy person....on a high from how incredible this man's performance was....

and btw....chauvelin is a villain.
of course. villains are always my favorite.....
tonight reminded me of why...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the outdoors and me....

okay so after my 'woe is me, boohoo' post yesterday.....

(which i do apologize for....and as an update derek bought me a rumbi salad and we watched the big bang theory, and that made it all better....

oh and kavakava)

anyway....i was right about today being better. i woke up, got myself to work for a meeting with my boss and put in some time there.

and then i dropped by my mom's house (she always makes me happy :D)

and then last but certainly not least....i went to a little park up the street from my house....


this park is beautiful. it's breathtaking. it's not a conventional park at all, because it's set on the hills...there's grass, but then there are tables and swings just randomly set here and there in the middle of the mountains...

so it's as wild of a domestic park as you're going to get....

and it was BEAUTIFUL.

to say i was freaking out inside is not doing it justice....

i went and walked around, sat on the swing and took some pictures for a good half hour to forty-five minutes. no music. nobody else around.

just me and nature.
and i know that sounds uber corny, but you don't understand....

as a kid, i thought i was going to "grow up to be an Indian." yep, i was certain of it. i was going to live off of the land and live in a wikiup .

a wikiup, very much like the ones i built. only i wasn't as cool as this person.

(i got to be exceptionally pro at building these things. not kidding. i studied how they were built and imitated it with some neighborhood friends. not a drop of rain got through my wikiup's roof. seriously.)

anyway...so i used to spend every second of every day outside. i loved it so much that i wanted to live in the wild. bugs were my friends. you get the idea.

well, i grew up and still loved it. i loved it all the way until i was....twenty. when the depression set it, phobias set in too. lots of them. i became scared of pretty much everysinglebugalive. that's a lot of things to be afraid of. so needless to say, my time outdoors went from a ton...to close to none. i'd book from my car into buildings because i was so freaked out by the possible bug encounters i might possibly have.

i know this is rambling....but i promise it all has a point....

so this summer, i really made headway on my bug phobias. my number one fear, dragonflies, don't bug me 90% as much as they used to. but i still didn't spend much time outdoors, aside from taking walks around my neighborhood. no hikes or walks in the hills like i used to do so much.

but when i went to this park today, something inside of me went nuts. it was so beautiful. and there were bugs, plenty of them. big buzzing grasshoppers and a mean-looking wolf spider practically walked over my foot to cross the path i was on.

but i didn't care.

i was entranced by the feel of the outdoors. by the sounds of all of the life surrounding me. the brush was teeming with insects and i was amazed by it rather than repulsed. i wanted to take my shoes off and run around barefoot like i used to....but i didn't because my feet were leather back then, not so much now...

i was so happy to be outside. the smell of the air, the feel of the wind. i didn't care that my hair was going to smell like outdoors, or that bugs were everywhere or that i was beginning to sweat from the intensity of the sun....i was soaking it all up...and it came full-circle....i was like that little kid again who wanted to "grow up" to "be an indian". it was epic.

i got back in my car after awhile quite reluctant, and a little sad that this final turn-around had to happen right as summer is ending....but also quite stoked that it happened at all. i'm already planning all of the camping trips i was too spooked to take this summer, and the hikes. i'm totally going boating next summer too. i'm going to do it all and then some. and i'm really, really excited...

i also decided that although winter is coming, i'm going to try and spend time outside when i can anyway....after all, there's sledding :D

so after my bad day, i had a great day. the kind of day that reminds me i don't need medication. i just need to go outside and breathe in LIFE and remind myself that the world is more than everything man made, SO much more....

and sidenote: i'm studying animals and native american history. on my own. because i can.

here are some pictures from my adventure :D
i know this desert isn't everyone's idea of beauty...but it's definitely mine.

ignore the intense look on my face. the sun was in my eyes :P

i love shadow pictures

so yeah.....a wonderful day.

Monday, November 1, 2010


i'm going to be completely honest here:
some days, i don't like life.

at all.

today is one of those days.
i woke up and instantly wished i were someplace else. this isn't the first time that's happened, nor will it be the last. i've trudged through the whole day thus far wondering if i'm seriously going to need to get back on medication. i have a job, i have hobbies and things going on....so why do i feel this way?
part of me knows it's something chemical. i've tried really hard to exercise and eat clean simply for my mental state above everything. last week, i'll admit, i didn't do too well because it was just one of those weeks. so maybe how i feel today is residual effect from that...
i don't know....i used to think that one day i'd run away to the desert with a friend and live there doing...whatever all day. i don't know. i didn't plan that far. i didn't used to be a big planner.

on days like today, that little part of me that wants to run away comes out. i want to leave and live a simplified life somewhere. i want to pretend to be someone else.

or maybe just figure out who i am.

i spent years wanting to grow up, and now that i am growing up....i dislike it. i'm conflicted, every second of every day. being happy is a day-by-day thing for me. some days i wake up full of energy and stoked to take on the world....and other days i just want to leave and disappear...

overall, i'm happy. i know that this post sounds a little scary. i'm okay with that, because it's how i feel today...

i'll probably be fine tomorrow.

as for now, derek and i are going to go have a mini-adventure. because i need it. desperately.


do you want

to run away

run away with me....