Monday, September 26, 2011


it's coming up this weekend and i am seriously so jazzed!
with my family, it's like a holiday. we make lots of special food and do fun things while listening. my siblings and i used to build makeshift tents to sit in while listening, because for some reason listening in a tent was just more fun.

i may have to make a tent again this year.

i'm stoked for german pancakes, coloring books (don't judge heh:P) and a bunch of other super fun stuff, including lots of family time.

not to mention how much i love conference itself- twice a year is perfect because by the time six months have gone by, i am in need of another uplifting session as a sort of refuge from daily life.

ah, i'm smiling in joy as i type. i can't wait!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

wow, okay

whew. so i had....the weirdest weekend.
some not good stuff happened....but then, it ended up leading to things that ARE in the end, it was all okay.

still, it wasn't easy. but is anything ever?

i'm really coming to understand that i need to stop being so hard on myself. one bad weekend does not undo months worth of progress. the rational me knows this....but the irrational me tries to get in the way.

ps...started reading atlas shrugged. words cannot explain my love for this book, and i'm only two-hundred something pages into it.

Friday, September 16, 2011


do you ever feel like despite doing everything you feel you should in life, you're still an ugly person underneath it all?

i didn't think so, until something recently where i reacted in such a horrible way that it seemed to make any progress i've made as a person null and void. it's as if the ugly, bitchy, horrible rachel is always just an inch beneath the surface, waiting to break out at any time. how can i feel like any kind of good person when that side of me will come out with so little provocation?

i can't. that's just it.

Friday, September 9, 2011

this time last year....

there were some things that were the same....

but most everything is different.

i am not with derek any longer. i have a job i absolutely love. i'm not obsessed with weight loss and planning my entire life around it anymore. i'm no longer riddled by phobias.

having a job and the routine that it adds to my day, not to mention the sense of self-worth it gives- especially the nature of the work i has changed my life so much. i'm reading some great books that have really helped my outlook and my tendency to worry. i really know who i am and LOVE who i am. last year, i felt honestly like "who i was" changed weekly, depending on so many things. but who i am now is solid and rooted and not going anywhere. i can be proud of who i am, the work i do, and my daily conduct. i don't do things that i'm later ashamed of. it's really wonderful.

i'm excited for fall, to wear all of the clothes i was too self-conscious to wear last year. to do lots of fun festive and seasonal stuff. i've been eating really, really healthy lately and have taken up juicing and it's been hugely beneficial for my energy levels and overall health. i'm looking forward to enjoying the upcoming holiday season feeling a lot better than i did last year.

now i'm off to read outlander :D fall=outlander. if you've read it, you get what i mean!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

waiting for the seasons

i used to be obsessed with the season changing.
in the summer, all i wanted was fall and winter. in the winter, all i wanted was summer and spring.
"i'll be happy when..." "it'll be easier when it's not so..." "i'm not doing this because of blank weather...." were all common to hear from me.


summer is ending, and although i'm excited for fall i'm actually sad to see it go! i've learned how to be happy no matter the season, and that's really awesome to me.

i know, i probably sound crazy. i kinda was ;) don't hate.