Thursday, December 30, 2010

auld lang syne

i found a video i made last new year's eve where i made a bunch of resolutions and a list of things that i wanted to do away with (ie thirty pounds, irrational fears, etc)

i totally forgot i made the video....but i was pleasantly surprised as i watched it to find that i have actually done nearly every single thing that i resolved to do.

i've gotten and kept a job.

lost more than thirty pounds. these last few weeks i've lost a bit more actually, taking me back to the place i was when i was engaged (the point i've felt happiest with myself at) which is a huge victory for me considering i ended up weighing nearly two-hundred pounds last year. that could be a whole post, but i've talked enough about that and i can let my pictures from Christmas speak for me....i'm there :)

oh...and i no longer binge. which is really a whole different topic

i've cleaned up my (exceptionally truck driver-esque) language

i've taken up new hobbies

i've lost many irrational fears

my marriage has turned completely around

and several more that are now escaping me ;) or would probably weird people out to read.
i'm starting my new photo-a-day project with my good friend hanna in NZ, i'm delving into music more including songwriting, and i'm writing as always.

i can't really even put into words what it meant for me to find that video and realize i have accomplished practically everything i set out to. i'm proud of myself knowing that this year, especially the second half of it, was a year of growth for me. it started out so painful in a lot of ways. only when i look back at myself during the beginning of the year through videos and blogs can i really see how much pain i was in and how far i've truly come.
not to be dramatic, but i've shaken off baggage and chains and really come into my own so much more this year. i went from being overweight, unemployed and with horrible self-esteem to fit, employed and with (comparatively) fantastic self-esteem. i've stopped making excuses for myself. i'm rediscovering long-lost interests and re-defining who i am and you know what?

it feels effing good.

i've also reached so much better of a place with my faith and with the Lord. i don't usually blog too much about religion (aside from my conference blog entry :D) but let me just say that i've really had my faith tested and then renewed this year, and it's stronger than ever right now.

on my new year's video i talked about how i was ready to kick 2009 out the door, good riddance and so on. 2010 however, is leaving as a loved guest. and i'm looking forward, more than ever, to 2011.

bring it on.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

joy to the world

Merry Christmas!

this year's holiday was so, so wonderful! filled with family and friends, i even put up with all of the kids fairly well ;)

i'm excited to make my new year resolution list after coming across a video i made on new year's eve last year and realizing i accomplished all but i think TWO of the goals i set out for this year :D but that's a post for another day. for now i'd just like to wish everyone a merry Christmas, and i hope everyone had a wonderful day with their families :)

took lots of pictures this year as i'm no longer afraid of the camera :P also practicing for an upcoming project with a certain friend (wink wink) most are uploaded on facebook but i couldn't resist posting these here, especially the bottom one. all i can say is, we were dancing.

happy holidays!

Friday, December 17, 2010

a note i should have left,

dear minivan driver:

i want you to know that although you parked like a douche bag, taking up TWO spaces because you didn't want anyone to park next to you....
(and let's face it...your minivan isn't that nice anyway. in fact, it was kind of the opposite of nice...but i digress...)

although you parked like a douche, mr. or mrs. car is small enough that i parked next to you. i parked next to you, and i LIKED it.

yep. i squeezed my car in so that it was right next to yours. and when i opened my door to get out of the car, it was reaaaaally close to touching your door. in fact, if i had been a fat person getting out of the door and your door would have made a baby.

they didn't, because i'm not. but that's not the point.

the point's cold out. and busy. it's the holiday season, and no one wants to park five thousand miles away from the entrance of borders and then walk in the twenty degree weather to the door. you had a good parking spot, right up near the front, but you were rude enough to attempt to deprive someone else of the same little bit of luck. that's just rude, mr. minivan. and that's why i parked right next to you, because it irked me that anybody would be that rude and feel so entitled to take up two parking spots so that nobody could park next to their ugly minivan just because. i mean seriously.

when i came back out to my car, i almost wrote a note and stuck it on your windshield, but i decided not to. just because you had to be a jerk and apparently hid your Christmas spirit where the sun doesn't shine, didn't mean that i had to do the same thing.

so merry Christmas minivan driver. i hope you get coal in your stocking :D

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


have you ever had an artist or band you heard (or heard of) and thought, "i'll NEVER listen to them. i'd rather die." etc....

and then, awhile later you're sitting there hear one of their songs....

it gets stuck in your head for DAYS. then you're humming it. then you're looking it up on youtube (pretending you're really just reminding yourself how much you hate it while you do so)

and you realize....

holy. effing. crap.
i like this band/artist/song!


Sunday, December 12, 2010


last night, derek and i went Christmas shopping for each other.

it was so. much. fun.

derek's pretty hard to shop for because he needs so little to be content, so i was a bit worried about what i'd get him. he really loves watches, shoes and sunglasses. he's also really particular about those things, so i wasn't too keen on "surprising" him while spending a fair amount with the chance that he might not love what i got him.

(and he'd say he loved it more than likely no matter what, but i can tell when he really doesn't love something. just like i can tell with my sister jenn :P)

so anyway....we went shopping and looked at all sorts of things for him. i haven't had so much fun for awhile. we've joked that this is our "first real Christmas" together because the first year we were married, i was really depressed that Christmas and last year we lived at my parent's house. and to be frank, and maybe a little too personal- this is the first year we've actually liked each other during Christmas time. we're like newlyweds all over again these days. (and don't begrudge us this; we were never really "newlywedish" in the first place!)

i've wanted to get him new sunglasses for awhile because last year someone stole his favorite, pretty expensive pair out of our car and he's been using crappy walmart ones ever since. we paid a visit to a sunglasses shop in the mall and with the help of an awesome salesgirl (who ended up being one of jenn's friends from the hale!) we found derek the perfect pair. i was so excited to see his face when we bought them, i know i'm being sappy but bear with me. it was such a cute moment!

we then stopped at the hickory farms stand and chose the "feast" we're going to buy the week of Christmas. i'm a sucker for those holiday cheese, cracker and beef log assortments. i'm soso excited to get one that week and have some martinelli's and watch a Christmas movie!

we also found me a great gift- derek bought me the LIFE series by BBC, the follow-up to planet earth and i could not be more excited!! i spent like, four days straight watching planet earth two weeks ago when i babysat for my parents and i was dying to get LIFE when i heard about it. if there was an acronym for holycrapiscreamed, then i would use it. trust me.

we also bought our first tree this year and went a little nuts buying decorations. we strung up the lights and we're finishing hanging the ornaments tonight :D when we do, i'll post a picture.

and last but not least, i bought the best present for bekah yesterday too. i found these tapes she used to watch when she was little on amazon and i couldn't resist buying the four tape set. i have one of the tapes and when i put it on for her yesterday she flipped out :D so i cannot wait to see her face when she gets the set for Christmas!

all in all, wonderful holiday cheer is EVERYWHERE :D

Thursday, December 9, 2010

what the what

i can not understand, for the life of me, why guys in their mid to late twenties- heck, even EARLY twenties, go for girls EIGHTEEN AND FRESH OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL.

like, seriously?
can you not relate to an actual WOMAN or something? what's the deal???

at twenty-two, the idea of dating an eighteen year old guy makes me kinda want to jump into my bathtub with a hairdryer. just saying.

utah makes me LOL

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

medication for us's a new way....

so, today i began the process of trial and error with ADD medications. for the next couple of months

i was avoiding this, like the plague.

not just any plague, mind you. THE plague. the black death. you know....

i'm not a fan of having to be on drugs. a couple of years ago when depression hit me like a ton of bricks, i was on ambien, an anti-spasmoadic for my stomach problems and wellbutrin, and i hated every minute of it.
all i could think of was, is this it for me? will i have to be on drugs my whole life to be 'normal'?

so i cold-turkeyed them all and took matters into my own hands.

well, now i've done everything i can humanly do for myself. i exercise, i eat right and i have a job. i have hobbies. (well, i try to) i tried various herbal remedies and while lots of them are helpful, some of the stronger ones made me feel like a pothead and i'm not a pothead for a reason. i have no desire to feel high.

so i digress....after all of this...i knew: i have add, and i may need meds to help it.
my brother has it and we have the same symptoms, and i've read up enough about add to know. somewhere in all of my praying and pondering about how to help myself further, i realized i may just have to be that person who takes medication for years.

my whole life, even.

but without it, i can't have a life. not the kind i want, anyway. i've made all the progress i can alone. now i need that last bit of help.
(and this has a lot to do with reading seven habits, and changing my perception about medication and all that)

so today i started an add medication that's supposed to be a less-scary version of the rest of them. and if it doesn't work, i get to try the scary ones.
(they're not just scary though- they do great things for people with add, but there's also concerns with them i won't go into on this blog because i've decided not to focus on the negative side)

i have high hopes that one of these medications will work for me. that what's left of my anxiety with leave, that i'll have the attention span to do things i love again. that i won't be afraid to go to school because my lack of attention span, and that i'll be less irritable, etc.

my doctor told me that add drugs make the difference of night&day for add sufferers.
and since i'm doing all i can for myself otherwise, forming new good habits and trying to keep myself busy.....

i'm going to trust that.

i'll update on how it goes.

for now, i'm feeling optimistic :D

Monday, November 29, 2010


i realized the other day, i don't have many friends.

and i'm being honest about this. honest because i'm not sure how i really feel about it, and how i really should feel about it.

i had a friend for years who, after i got married, became my only friend. i just didn't feel like keeping up with anyone else i used to know, especially since i'd known a lot of them in a time of life i wanted to move past. therefore, always a person who'd had a decent amount of friends- i became a person with only one friend.

(let me add that this does not count my family, because being truly honest they are my best friends, especially my mom and my sis. this is purely about non-familial relationships)

well this one friend and i ended up becoming really, really weirdly dependent on each other. we hung out more than my husband and i did. we hung out even when we didn't want to, until everything that made us friends seemed to be gone and in the end we only made each other angry.

needless to say, that friendship bit the dust. and since, it hit me that i didn't have very many friends and the ones i had i didn't see too often. or, they lived far away. it sort of baffled me. i wasn't someone who'd ever had a hard time making friends. i thought about before i got married, and how i used to be the one that made everyone laugh in groups of friends. i remember being at my friend jesse's house and entertaining a whole room of people like i was some sort of stand-up comedian. and i wasn't trying to be the annoying person who took all of the attention in the room lol, that was just how it ended up.
i thought about that, and then wondered....what the eff happened?

i never wanted to be one of those people who got married and never hung out with anyone but their husband. i'm not from the school of beliefs that once you're married, you don't have friends. but somehow, only hanging out with that one friend so much and the onset of my social anxiety tanked me having friends. and it's weird.

part of me thinks, after the horrible experience with that dependent friendship, that i'm afraid to make friends. it's not necessarily that i'm worried it will happen all over again, but i don't want to be the person who got away from that only to fall into the exact same pattern with another friend. and though i honestly don't think that will happen, because it's not in my nature to do so....part of me still thinks 'what if'....

part of me also thinks that i've just gotten good at isolating myself. and i think about my family, and how my mom and my sister really are my best friends.

but then i think, i really do have friends. i remember when it was my birthday this last year, and so many people wished me happy birthday on facebook. i was surprised anyone even did, for some reason i didn't expect that at all. it reminds me i do have friends, i just have gotten used to being alone and making people outside my family an afterthought. it's kind of horrible i think, and i feel bad i've been that way to people i care about.

and then of course reading that wonderful book, (7 habits) i decided i need a paradigm shift where people and friends are concerned. and so being a friend is my new goal- to people i've just met, and people i've known all along that i haven't been enough of a friend to.

and that is that.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


the night before my family left on their cruise, i had a breakdown.

the weather had been sad and stormy all week, i'd just recovered from being sick and now everyone was going on a tropical cruise vacation- without me.
you can only imagine the boo-hooing that went on.

anyway.....i had a breakdown, because i'd missed work from being sick, and missing work had me doubting my job and my ability to successfully DO my job. suddenly i was self-sabotaging, (something i'm all too familiar with). i was thinking about how i wanted more money, wanted to be able to go out and do stuff and the long and dark winter was just beginning...and the world looked so bleak that i began to just sob.

jenn, my beautiful and completely self-aware never-boohooing sister, pulled me aside and handed me a book. "the seven habits of highly effective people."

"read this while i'm gone," she said. she flipped a few pages into it. "see look: here's the circle of concern- the things you worry about that you have no control over, and the circle of influence- the things you worry about that you DO have control over." i looked down at the book through tear-swollen eyes, saw the circles of concern and KNEW: THIS BOOK WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO READ.

"it talks about being proactive versus reactive," jenn continued. "seriously...this book has changed me." i looked at my sister, earnestly offering me this book that she said meant so much to her, and grabbed it like i was drowning and it was a little doughnut life-preserver. (cute image, i know :P) after all, i figured, jenn's so put-together and self-aware. i always look at her with such admiration, anything she recommends is a must-see, must-do, must-read, must-follow.

"we'll talk about it when i get back," she promised, and i left that night with a splitting headache from crying, but with renewed hope in the form of the book.

let me say, a couple of days later and only eighty-seven pages into it, it hasn't let me down. i've been glued to this book, trying to cram in time to read while juggling other responsibilities. as i read the first dozen or so pages talking about reactive versus proactive people, principles and paradigms, i felt liberated. that's me! i felt like shouting when i read the tendencies of a reactive, dependent person. i felt more elated than troubled by the fact that i'd become reactive and dependent over the last few years. yeah, it sucks that it's happened....but all the same, the growth that is available to me and the explanations for WHY some of the things have fallen apart in my life the last couple of years had me feeling hopeful rather than ashamed or discouraged. suddenly, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. when i read that reactive people are affected by the weather and proactive people MAKE their own weather, i knew this book was going to mean something huge to me ;)

i'm sick of blaming things: weather, people around me, not having enough money, the way i look, whatever for my happiness or lack thereof. i've made a lot of progress especially the last couple of months in these areas but lately it was as if i'd hit some sort of wall and needed a ladder to scale it to keep going, only i didn't know where to find the ladder.

well, i've found it. and i'm climbing that wall and OWNING myself again like i used to, and even more than i ever have! i am going to ACT, instead of being ACTED UPON.
yeah, i don't have money coming out of the wazoo. derek and i both have jobs and the ability to make and save money, so that is something i can master. yeah, i may be in pain 24/7 but i know i will be, it's likely that i'll be in pain the rest of my life.....i can TRANSCEND that pain. i can rise above it and say, yes i'm in pain. but i'm NOT going to let it affect me or control me anymore.

i realized when thinking about the circles of concern and influence that a huge percent of what troubles me on a day-to-day basis are things that are in my circle of influence. meaning that i can do something about them. that thought alone fills me with joy. it's going to be a process, one that i have to commit to and work hard on, but i absolutely will. i've been shackled by self-imposed limitations for the last few years and it's like someone just gave me the key: i'd be a fool not to use it.

and this is only eighty-seven pages in! i can't wait to read the rest :D

a quote from the book to sum it up: "lift off takes a tremendous effort, but once we break out of the gravity pull, our freedom takes on a whole new dimension."

watch me fly.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

winter weirdness...

okay so here's the deal:
i have this thing with the weather and seasons, where i always want it to be a certain season when it's NOT that season, and the minute it becomes that season i don't want it to be anymore....

whew. confusing. and i feel like i've blogged about this before, but i'm too lazy to go back and look to see lol.
okay, to amend what i said earlier, i haven't ALWAYS been this way....truly it started because tanya and i would hype ourselves so much for seasons and then do none of the things we planned when we arrived....we didn't have this problem until the last couple of years, either. it was one of those weird things that happened when our friendship morphed into something freakish haha i've been battling this whole "i love this season....just kidding i hate it" thing since about august...when summer was ending i came to truly like a lot of things about summer, and the outdoors (see my outdoors post :D) but most of the summer was still sadly wasted i honestly feel like...and then fall and winter began....

i was looking forward to winter. and to be honest, i do like the cold a lot. i love the holidays and fall fashion. i love a lot of things about winter, like snow. but i don't like driving in the snow in my little car (still working on possibly trading it in) and i don't like the lack of sun and i especially hate WET, RAINY fake snow. like what we had tonight. i'm trying to really keep myself in the moment here and not demonize winter, and it's been harder than i wanted it to be because to be frank i tend to get depressed in the winter.

the good news is, kava kava has helped a lot. and so does kratom. i ordered a bunch and it arrives tomorrow, so i'm really looking forward to that. but aside from a bit of herbal help, the rest falls on me. i'm the one who needs to make sure that i have a good, fun winter. i need to make sure to do all i can to not let the weather get me down. i need to enjoy the holidays and not get ahead of myself so that when spring rolls around i'm ready to enjoy THAT as well, and not suddenly be wishing for winter again.

(it sounds nuts, i know...just a lame habit i let myself fall into a couple of years ago)
but i'm determined to break it!
and thus far, i'm doing well. i'm focusing on the good things, planning on going into tanning beds with sunscreen on if need be to catch some rays to keep any seasonal depression at bay....

and the rest, as they say, will be history!

i'll keep the blog updated on how banishing this weirdness goes :D

i should note, i have high hopes. i have a job. i've lost and maintained the weight that i want and don't binge eat, EVER anymore. i've gotten rid of all those bad habits that accompanied the last two years of my life. so i KNOW i can do this, too.

Friday, November 12, 2010


so, i may have to Christmas-ify this blog a little earlier than most people would.....
it's november eleventh and i'm already so stoked on Christmas, i can't even say! hickory farms has set up their booth in the mall, all of the other stores have got their christmas decorations and products up and going. i think my blog shall join them :D

and soon, my house

(but first i have to take down the halloween decorations....shhh, don't tell anyone)
it's true, i haven't taken them down yet because i'm lame.
maybe that's what i'll do this morning.....

so the blog will be made over into something holiday-ish and cheery very soon! i'm soso stoked. my mom ordered me my own box of red velvet petit fours from the swiss colony. even though i don't drink soda really ever anymore, i'm going to make an exception for some martinelli's.

and i can't wait to buy my own tree! i want a real tree this year. i LOVE the smell of pine.

woooo! bring on the holiday season!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

las vegas

i can't wait to go in less than a month! i can't wait to make that drive down in the desert, i LOVE the drive from here to las vegas.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

daylight savings

i hate it.
i hate hate hate it.
well, at least, i hate it when it's winter.
i despise how early it gets dark. talk about wanting to lock yourself in a tanning bed and never come out...(because of the lack of sun, not for actual tanning ;) )
no but seriously....i've been excited for winter. and then daylight savings came, and i realized how early it's going to get dark and it made me hurt a little inside.
and mostly because i'm sort of scared that depression will hit...
(it always seems to get worse in the winter)

i'll just have to pray like crazy that i'll be okay and won't turn into a mopey, sad mess.

at least derek and i are going to las vegas with my parents in december. that will be nice. the problem isn't really december, though. it's january and february. and who are we kidding, despite it being the month of my birthday, march sucks too.

i decided this morning (after staying up late last night)
that i hate staying up late and sleeping in. i don't know how i did it for like, a year and a half. i love waking up early because i absolutely love the morning.
however, i haven't been waking up early enough. i wake up about eight thirty or nine. now that daylight savings has hit, i want every minute of the daylight that i can have so i'm going to begin adhering to a strict schedule that involves getting up at seven and going to bed at eleven.

it sounds boring, but it allows me to have the time to work out and get in a good few hours at work every day. i also need to set aside an hour for violin practice as well.

so now this blog is rambling into a whole different subject....but whatever....
the reason i'm adhering to a strict schedule is because i putz around too much. seriously. i wake up with the best of intentions to get a bunch of stuff done, but then i get sidetracked reading something or being on my computer...
i'm really tired of having that problem, so i'm going actually be writing down when to do what for the next while. yeah sure, it makes me feel like a kid or something but who cares. i need to stop dawdling and if it works, it works.....

the weather is beautiful today, but this week it's supposed to snow. i need to get on that maybe getting a new car business, and fast.....

and admittedly, i'm dreaming of a place far from here that a dear friend has sent me pictures of, wishing i were there instead :D

Saturday, November 6, 2010

stage presence....

tonight we went and saw the scarlet pimpernel at the hale center theatre and i left the show on a high.

now, anyone who knows me and jenn knows our special background with the scarlet pimpernel. we have watched the movie about a million times, and two years ago we even threw a scarlet pimpernel ball for which we rented outrageously gorgeous gowns and danced the night away. we love that movie. we love the music for the play. up until now i'd never seen the play, but i all but had the music memorized because i loved it so much.

we went and saw the play on opening night and it was good-

but when we went and saw it tonight, we got to see the other actor performing chauvelin. and OMG. words cannot describe this man's performance. he electrified the stage. he had such amazing stage presence, it was like seeing a whole different play. don't get me wrong, i liked it the first time. but this actor brought so much to the role. it was beautiful. i was all but wanting to scream at the end because he was so amazing.

it made me think about my writing, and the characters i'm writing and about how one of them can affect them all. for instance, the cast seemed to play off of this actor differently and almost better than the other one (and seriously, not trying to knock him because he was great but it was pretty much a whole different character in his interpretation) and therefore the whole play seemed different and so much better. this guy's knew every thought he had. he owned that stage, and he commanded everyone's attention.

i want to write my characters that way. i want the reader to feel the tension, to be commanded by my characters. i want them to put the book down on a high from what they just read,

just like i left the theatre tonight grinning like a crazy person....on a high from how incredible this man's performance was....

and btw....chauvelin is a villain.
of course. villains are always my favorite.....
tonight reminded me of why...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the outdoors and me....

okay so after my 'woe is me, boohoo' post yesterday.....

(which i do apologize for....and as an update derek bought me a rumbi salad and we watched the big bang theory, and that made it all better....

oh and kavakava)

anyway....i was right about today being better. i woke up, got myself to work for a meeting with my boss and put in some time there.

and then i dropped by my mom's house (she always makes me happy :D)

and then last but certainly not least....i went to a little park up the street from my house....


this park is beautiful. it's breathtaking. it's not a conventional park at all, because it's set on the hills...there's grass, but then there are tables and swings just randomly set here and there in the middle of the mountains...

so it's as wild of a domestic park as you're going to get....

and it was BEAUTIFUL.

to say i was freaking out inside is not doing it justice....

i went and walked around, sat on the swing and took some pictures for a good half hour to forty-five minutes. no music. nobody else around.

just me and nature.
and i know that sounds uber corny, but you don't understand....

as a kid, i thought i was going to "grow up to be an Indian." yep, i was certain of it. i was going to live off of the land and live in a wikiup .

a wikiup, very much like the ones i built. only i wasn't as cool as this person.

(i got to be exceptionally pro at building these things. not kidding. i studied how they were built and imitated it with some neighborhood friends. not a drop of rain got through my wikiup's roof. seriously.) i used to spend every second of every day outside. i loved it so much that i wanted to live in the wild. bugs were my friends. you get the idea.

well, i grew up and still loved it. i loved it all the way until i was....twenty. when the depression set it, phobias set in too. lots of them. i became scared of pretty much everysinglebugalive. that's a lot of things to be afraid of. so needless to say, my time outdoors went from a close to none. i'd book from my car into buildings because i was so freaked out by the possible bug encounters i might possibly have.

i know this is rambling....but i promise it all has a point....

so this summer, i really made headway on my bug phobias. my number one fear, dragonflies, don't bug me 90% as much as they used to. but i still didn't spend much time outdoors, aside from taking walks around my neighborhood. no hikes or walks in the hills like i used to do so much.

but when i went to this park today, something inside of me went nuts. it was so beautiful. and there were bugs, plenty of them. big buzzing grasshoppers and a mean-looking wolf spider practically walked over my foot to cross the path i was on.

but i didn't care.

i was entranced by the feel of the outdoors. by the sounds of all of the life surrounding me. the brush was teeming with insects and i was amazed by it rather than repulsed. i wanted to take my shoes off and run around barefoot like i used to....but i didn't because my feet were leather back then, not so much now...

i was so happy to be outside. the smell of the air, the feel of the wind. i didn't care that my hair was going to smell like outdoors, or that bugs were everywhere or that i was beginning to sweat from the intensity of the sun....i was soaking it all up...and it came full-circle....i was like that little kid again who wanted to "grow up" to "be an indian". it was epic.

i got back in my car after awhile quite reluctant, and a little sad that this final turn-around had to happen right as summer is ending....but also quite stoked that it happened at all. i'm already planning all of the camping trips i was too spooked to take this summer, and the hikes. i'm totally going boating next summer too. i'm going to do it all and then some. and i'm really, really excited...

i also decided that although winter is coming, i'm going to try and spend time outside when i can anyway....after all, there's sledding :D

so after my bad day, i had a great day. the kind of day that reminds me i don't need medication. i just need to go outside and breathe in LIFE and remind myself that the world is more than everything man made, SO much more....

and sidenote: i'm studying animals and native american history. on my own. because i can.

here are some pictures from my adventure :D
i know this desert isn't everyone's idea of beauty...but it's definitely mine.

ignore the intense look on my face. the sun was in my eyes :P

i love shadow pictures

so yeah.....a wonderful day.

Monday, November 1, 2010


i'm going to be completely honest here:
some days, i don't like life.

at all.

today is one of those days.
i woke up and instantly wished i were someplace else. this isn't the first time that's happened, nor will it be the last. i've trudged through the whole day thus far wondering if i'm seriously going to need to get back on medication. i have a job, i have hobbies and things going why do i feel this way?
part of me knows it's something chemical. i've tried really hard to exercise and eat clean simply for my mental state above everything. last week, i'll admit, i didn't do too well because it was just one of those weeks. so maybe how i feel today is residual effect from that...
i don't know....i used to think that one day i'd run away to the desert with a friend and live there doing...whatever all day. i don't know. i didn't plan that far. i didn't used to be a big planner.

on days like today, that little part of me that wants to run away comes out. i want to leave and live a simplified life somewhere. i want to pretend to be someone else.

or maybe just figure out who i am.

i spent years wanting to grow up, and now that i am growing up....i dislike it. i'm conflicted, every second of every day. being happy is a day-by-day thing for me. some days i wake up full of energy and stoked to take on the world....and other days i just want to leave and disappear...

overall, i'm happy. i know that this post sounds a little scary. i'm okay with that, because it's how i feel today...

i'll probably be fine tomorrow.

as for now, derek and i are going to go have a mini-adventure. because i need it. desperately.


do you want

to run away

run away with me....

Sunday, October 31, 2010


i'm taking violin lessons again!

my first lesson is this upcoming thursday, and i'm bursting with joy :D

it's so exciting, i thought it deserved it's own post.

and here's some bond, because i love them, and that's going to be me in about.....two years :P


Friday, October 29, 2010


i miss having them.
you know...drives out to the middle of nowhere. bonfires. hikes. denny's past midnight. music venues. prank calls. (yes, very immature but an absolute blast)

i'm not as adventurous as i used to be, because i base my ability to have said adventures on dumb things like how crappy my stomach feels (hardy har) or "if i can eat at a place like denny's tonight" or if i can afford the gas money....


(and i used caps, so you know how stupid it is)

and let's not forget my biggest and lamest excuse ever....the weather.

yes, the weather. i have become that person who borderline lets the weather dictateeverythingido

double epic lame.

(and sidenote...there are ladybugs in my house. i've found three today, which i set free rather than kill because i don't hate bugs quite as much anymore....but i swear there's one on my right this very instant and i'm not that thrilled about it thinking i'm like, public transportation or something)

a i came to the conclusion that i'm going to start having adventures again. derek and i had one last week....we went to the zoo. it was pretty awesome...
but i want more adventures.
and come rain or shine...i'm going to freaking have them.

next time it snows, i'm going sledding. and next week i'm driving up to the salt flats....seriously....because i've been wanting to

and i'm totally hitting a "kava bar" with my brother this week so i can calmtheeffdown. don't worry, it's nothing too crazy. i'm just buying kava there. probably going to see a lot of hippie wannabe's with dreads and unshaven's certainly a joy.....

i'm weird tonight...don't worry about me....i'm just kind of stoked on the idea that i'm going to keep being a kid all the way until i have kids. which is going to be a long time. there's a reason i'm not having kids yet....i want to still be able to have fun adventures on a whim....i'm becoming more more planning everylittlething for me.

thuh end.


ps...kavakava tastes like dirt mixed with pepper and death. i drank some with my brother last weekend....but it's awesome for relaxation....

still tastes like dirt mixed with pepper and death, though.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

funny little irony

i'm good at writing torture scenes.

it's ironic, because i hate watching or reading torture scenes. but i'm good at writing them (or so i'm told, at group :D)

writing has been so great lately. i am so excited to finish my wip and get it published in 2012. that's the goal date! it's crazy and overwhelming, and a little scary. but really cool too.

there's so much to a story, and to characters. their living and breathing depends on me and it's a bit intimidating to think that if i don't write them, no one will.

anyway, now i'm just rambling. don't ask me why. today i'm itching to go somewhere. as much as i've been looking forward to the season change, part of me is nervous about it because of driving in the may be time to look into trading in our car for something four wheel drive. we'll see.

off to watch some d. gray man, and play some wow. and maybe write, if my characters feel generous :D


Monday, October 25, 2010

the trouble with cold....

i worked out at the rec center today, because it was too cold and windy to work out outside like i normally do.

one word: lame.

a few more words: i have no idea how i got myself to work out there practically every day last winter. seriously. it's not a bad place, it has really great equipment and blah blah blah....

but i get bored on machines. i have tv's to look at instead of beautiful mountain scenery, and there are a bunch of other people sweating and heaving around me.

somehow it lacks the, not to be cheesy...serenity that walking outside does.
grr. i'm going to miss being outside when it gets too cold. then again, i wasn't outside much when it was hot because it was too hot.
there's a reason i love fall and spring so much :D

still...beyond not being able to work out outside anymore...there are a lot of great things about winter....things i am getting geared up for as the days go by! i'm going to buy some hot chocolate and martinelli's at the store for the weekend! favorites of mine for colder weather and the holiday season.
yeah...i'm too stoked...

counting down the days until i can listen to christmas music,

yours truly

Friday, October 22, 2010

still some of the best conversations i've ever had...

yay for lolcat inspired im conversations

love_hope_peace04: OMG
rachel_mardesich: OMG
rachel_mardesich: HOLY FREAKING CRAP
rachel_mardesich: HFC
rachel_mardesich: haha
rachel_mardesich: jk but seriously. I could die thinking about it
rachel_mardesich: so if I don't answer on yahoo, it's because I died thinking about it
love_hope_peace04: I did die

rachel_mardesich: oh my.....stomach
rachel_mardesich: the butterflies.....relentless......must..stop......
love_hope_peace04: they wont
love_hope_peace04: not until we're dead
rachel_mardesich: ah crap
rachel_mardesich: thought so

rachel_mardesich: depending on how much they cost, maybe I could get you some for christmas
rachel_mardesich: and put them in. EXTENSIONS: merry christmas from rachel
rachel_mardesich: k thanks bye
rachel_mardesich: haha
love_hope_peace04: lol
love_hope_peace04: I got u hare 4 xmas!

love_hope_peace04: Sweet!
rachel_mardesich: so be prepared
rachel_mardesich: (scar style)
love_hope_peace04: lol!!!

love_hope_peace04: oh hai, sry i havnt shaved in months
rachel_mardesich: I wil b harry k
rachel_mardesich: hahaha!
love_hope_peace04: hope u dont mind
rachel_mardesich: oh hai lets watch muvies and cuddle icksept i havnt shaved in a long time k
love_hope_peace04: lol@
rachel_mardesich: dont mind my leg hair rubbing against urs k
love_hope_peace04: !!
rachel_mardesich: i like u lots
rachel_mardesich: so jst dont worry
love_hope_peace04: im natral k?
rachel_mardesich: hha this is how god made me k dont hait

rachel_mardesich: "luek u wont beleeve this but im ur father lolz"
rachel_mardesich: "sry i didnt send child support but things got ruff around hear with the building of the death star and all im shur u understand"
rachel_mardesich: no, this isnt a new helmit y do u ask?
rachel_mardesich: srsly. how culd u think i wood get a new helmit b4 sending u muny?
love_hope_peace04: AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
love_hope_peace04: I can't stop laughing

hahaha....good times :)

in other news, i saw the social network for the third time tonight. i love that movie. it's my new fight club. not that anything could replace fight club...but since i can't really watch it, it's sort of replaced in a sense.

david fincher...marry me. my husband won't mind. kthxbye.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

new weight loss goal

i know, i know....i was supposed to be done.
i thought so, too.
but then i decided (after seeing a few unflattering pictures) that i'm tired of unflattering pictures.
i'm ten pounds away from being at a weight where unflattering pictures don't exist for me. how do i know? because i've been at that weight before, a lot. i liked myself best at that weight, i looked good in everything i wore and every picture that was taken of me....

i decided last night that i've worked too hard to settle where i am now. i look good, but in ten more pounds i'll look awesome. so i've got a new weight loss goal, and i'll be working till about christmas to get there.

and then, the week of christmas, i can eat whatever i want and enjoy the holiday without worrying about a couple of pounds.

the good news is, i definitely have learned how to maintain. i've been maintaining a few months now and it's been great. so when i'm done, i'll be done. but...i'm just not done yet.

so here's to ten more pounds. hold me to it, and wish me luck!

Monday, October 18, 2010

holiday junkie

so, this year being the first year derek and i are living in a place we can really call our own....
i decided to go a little nuts on decorating.
yeah....i'm big on holidays. especially the fall/winter ones. ask anybody, i start listening to christmas music in early november most of the time...and i love love LOVE holiday-themed foods, clothes and decorations.
so this year, living in our lovely place, i decided to decorate like crazy for halloween.
and then....the minute halloween is over, i'm busting out the "autumn/thanksgiving" stuff for a good...few weeks before i go nuts with christmas stuff.
i know, i know...don't judge. i'm nuts. it's just how i am.

here are some pictures of some of my decorating (much of it courtesy of my mom and her hugely extensive collection of decorations)(
(who doesn't love spiders?)
(derek's cute figurines :P)

(epic deathwing is epic)

so first off, no i don't take the best pictures's cool though.
and secondly...don't you just love derek's figurines? i do. i refrain from calling them "cute" though, because they're not really cute...i just think it's cute that he has them...calling them cute would detract from the manliness of said figurines....

and're probably wondering wtf the dragon has to do with decorating...well, he has nothing to do with it.
that, my friends, is deathwing. and the wow expansion comes out on december seventh...which is definitely now its OWN holiday...i want to throw a party for my fellow nerds, all of derek and my friends...
i think i seriously will...because this is cause for celebration...
and even cooler? a friend from work plays wow, too and she's going to blizzcon! she may have an extra in-game pet she's going to let me have....a mini deathwing. yeah. talk about way too awesome. now i'm just rambling...
anyway...that's my holiday decorating, and my other holiday...the release of the expansion...hooray! three cheers for fall/winter, yo. it's going to be epic!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

rainy sundays

i love the rain.
and i love sundays.
so it would make sense that i love rainy sundays.

fall is upon us, and i'm wanting it to get just a little bit cooler so that i can start rocking coats and boots and the glamorous hobo look i usually have in the winter.

this last week was, as i mentioned in my other blog, a standstill week. not much of anything happened. i didn't like it. so although because of some timing messups on my part, i'll likely be in pain again all of this upcoming week, i'm not letting it be like last week.

i'll be going in to work and thanks to itunes u doing some "studying". i'm pretty stoked.
i'm also going to be writing a ton. woooo! this week is going to be awesome. why? because i already decided it will be. the end.

i'm off to go raise my tailoring on wow. nerdy, i know. and i'll probably watch peter pan.
this peter pan:
happy sunday!

Thursday, October 14, 2010



i had one of those weeks. yaknow....those ones.
in case you're lost, (which you probably are. after all, i am insane :P) i will fill you in on what one of those weeks is:

i didn't do much of anything this week. it's the week i take a break from my probiotic, and i was in an absurd amount of pain for most of i didn't go in to work much, which always makes me feel fail.

i got some GREAT ideas at writer's group from the help of my dear crit partners, and i'm really excited about my wip! but.....i haven't written since group....because now i'm sitting here, letting it all cooook. boring. still, that's only half "not doing anything" because i've been thinking about it all week and am INSANELY stoked.

umm....i haven't even bothered trying to be healthy the last couple of days. the good news is, binging seems to truly be behind me now because even these days i don't do so well, i don't eat anywhere near the amount i used to....all the same, i feel horribly unhealthy when i don't drink enough water and i eat redvines instead of meals....yeah....

i didn't do any studying this week either. or pick up my violin. lame.

but the goood news is i am looking for a new computer and will be getting one within the next few days! and also....i want to try and kick my butt into lifting weights....we'll see if i can get myself to do it...i get awfully lazy and just end up walking 90% of the time ;)

so that was my week. mostly, a standstill. it was neither bad nor good...sort of just...there.
next week won't just be there....oh'll come blazing in wearing bright red, complete with a top hat and cane to order me about with....

yeah...that made no sense. probably because my bed is currently calling my name....pretty loudly....

Saturday, October 9, 2010

i don't get along with girls...

it's true. all through high school, i had a couple of girl friends including one who was best my friend....
the rest of my friends, and the ones i liked best (aside from a couple girls) were guys....

it makes sense then that i have a few friends that are girls who i truly do love....but in general i don't really look forward to having to get to know new girls really ever....(even though i work in an office full of women at the moment lol)

who do i get along with, then? men.
especially nerdy men.

i get along with all of derek's friends super well. we've started doing a game night with a bunch of his friends weekly...and i love hanging out with them. they're so much fun. there's no fake nonsense involved with backstabbing, no trash-talking. if they don't like something, they'll talk about it to your face....i love that about guys. why can't we as girls do that more often? why do we have to put on a good face, waste time with small talk about things that don't matter....etc, etc...meanwhile guys are having all the fun building actual friendships and enjoying each other because instead of being passive-aggressive, they talk things out when they have problems with each other and all of that....

not to mention, guys don't LET half of the things that girls get bothered over, bother them...

women are always saying how much more mature they are than men (especially women around my age) and yet, when it comes to really do take the cake.

i LOVE hanging out with derek's friends. it's all fun and no complications.
don't get me girl friends are awesome and i love them....i just have no desire really to make NEW girl friends because i already have such a cool bunch of guys to hang out with instead.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

what i'm grateful for

stumbled across the blog of a girl who was mourning the loss of her mother tonight and it really hit me hard. i decided although i'm in the middle of dying my hair right now and (should!) get to bed early, it's never a bad time to write a "thankful" blog.

first: i'm so grateful for derek and my family. i don't know where i'd be without them. my mom and my sister jenn are two of my best friends in the whole world. i love that they're such strong, wonderful women i can look up to! my dad is one of my heroes for sure and i'm so grateful for him and all that he does, and for my parent's generosity toward us kids.

also can't leave out my in-laws, who i have grown to love more and more as time goes on. they're wonderful people, and absolutely hilarious! i'm so glad we're family.

derek is absolutely the light of my life and i'm thankful every day for our friendship and how much he loves me. even the days i'm not that lovable, he's always there :)

i'm so grateful for everybody else in my family too, especially my gram and my other siblings...if i did shout-outs for everybody we'd be here all night :P so in the interest of keeping it short and sweet, let's just say i love them truly :D

i'm so grateful for this great place i get to live in. i love my home, i love the mountains. every day i go out and look at them, especially with the stormy clouds nestled on the mountaintops the last few days...and i just LOVE that i get to live here and see the beautiful scenery every day. i love having four distinct seasons. what can i say? i love it all.

i love my new job. i love having a job, i love what i do. i'm so, so grateful for the opportunity. i feel like it was tailored for me.

i'm so grateful last, but not least, for the gospel and for the light it brings to my life each day. my life has gotten so much better from faith and prayer, and i'm so, so grateful for it. i'm so thankful to know that families are eternal, and that we can always be together when this life is through. what a wonderful thing, truly.

how many times can i say i'm grateful, and for how many things? not enough. ever. but this blog is a small piece of how i'm feeling right now, and i'm happy to share it.

voices in my head

so, writers are often people you could call 'delusional' since often it seems, my characters talk to me almost like voices in my head. when i'm really focused on a story like i have been with my current work in progress, i will be doing whatever: driving, filing at work, etc...and i'll have my character's thought processes flowing through my head.
seriously, being a writer is total insanity at times.
well, MOST of the time.

but i love it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


second post in a day! in a matter of hours, even....
what can i say? i attribute it to the beautiful, inspirational talks i've just heard in general conference.....

i just feel compelled to write a "thank you" post to everyone i know and to God, for the complete turn-around i've had the last month or so.

for the last couple of years, i was trapped in a miserable rut where no matter how much "happier" i thought i was becoming, i was still ultimately un-happy overall and i didn't know how to fix it.

or rather, i didn't want to have to try to do what i knew i really must.

and then recently, i came to a crossroads where i knew i was going to end up being alone. i knew i was going to drown in my own self-inflicted sorrow. i knew i was going to screw things up for myself...
it was my reminder after new reminder that i wasn't done climbing out of the hole i'd fallen into the last couple of years....

i began to live the way i knew i should. i began to do everything, 100%. no more picking and choosing what was convenient for me....i began to just do it all, with faith that things would change....

and they have.

i am happier than i was two years ago. i'm a far better person now than i've ever been. all of the anger i had built up inside has vanished. i love my husband more than i ever have. i love my family more than i ever have. i love the Lord more than i ever have.

and i love myself.
which, after the self-loathing i had been struggling with for the past long a miracle...

i've stopped binging. i've stopped begrudging others of their happiness and beauty because i feel happiness, and i feel beautiful.

so thank you, to those who have had patience. thank you, to those who have inspired. my love for you has grown beyond what i can say, and i wish only happiness for everyone.
(which is something i never thought i'd hear myself say ;) )

conference weekend

it's unbeatable. it's like a whole 'nother holiday.

i love it.

oh, and i found this picture on my facebook. i had almost forgotten about it!

no doubt about it, boot is the ultimate. he was still mine when i took this picture (sniffle sniffle)


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

awesomeness has a name. it's rachel.

o wondrous day, i'm writing again!

after a week and a half of no writing, only thinking about my story, i finally wrote a good few pages today. i feel accomplished. i should throw myself a party.
or just eat a cupcake. cupcakes are good.

work is also going really well. i enjoy the people i work with, and the work i do. and i all but set my own schedule, how can you beat that??

such awesomeness. love having a job and working hard. love writing. loooove that i'm still shrinking in size even though i'm not really trying anymore :D

love derek, most of all.

love everything.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

myself and rottingham, the esteemed ghoul

after the (older) pictures i've posted recently...i felt i should post a recent one :D
this is me a few days ago, with a nice-ish shot of my (clean! lol) house in the background

and the one below is my awesome ghoul rottingham. he's from wow. on sale at fye.
he's awesome, and guards my house.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

hey look!

me, a couple of years ago, on the sinclair dinosaur. too good not to share.

ps. said dinosaur is gone now.

pps. these old pictures sure are fun!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

jack be nimble, jack be quick, jack fall down and break your hip

i worked wayyyy longer on this new blog layout than i EVER want to admit. seriously. but after all, it does look awesome now :D and since i didn't have work today....i sure had the time!
i haven't written much since last week, but i'm not discouraged. now that i've mapped out the skeleton and written the first bunch of pages of my story, i'm letting it sort of sit and cook for a bit. hopefully by the end of the week i'll have added a little more to it.
one thing is for sure, it's almost always on my mind.

along with derek....who looks cuter than ever to me these days. i enjoy my time with him lately more than i pretty much ever have. it's awesome.


that was my sappiness for the day.

you know you loved it.

oh, and just because i'm really cursing the heat and wanting it to move on already:

me about two years ago at sundance. in the fall. ah, my heart melts.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

being positive.

it's so much easier now.

and so is being married :P

Monday, September 13, 2010

say no to starvation

i've been thinking lately a lot about body image (duh)
having reached my weight loss goal awhile ago, i've struggled a lot with whether i should continue trying to lose weight or not.
part of me keeps thinking, no, i was at the weight i'm currently at for quite some time and i never had a problem with it...
then part of me thinks, i was also five to ten pounds thinner for awhile and didn't mind that either...
i guess it's all coming down to personal preference, how i like myself to look
of course, there's the outside influence, the media and people who think every woman has to be a size four to look good. i've really tried hard to escape that, because ever since gaining weight and losing it again, i realized i really really don't want to be one of those women who is "dieting" forever because i'm never satisfied. and even at my thinnest, i was always "dieting". after losing close to fifty pounds, i'm ready to be done with that! i want to enjoy how i look.
i've never wanted to look like mary-kate olsen. some women do. i don't. i don't think being bony is appealing on me. but eff if the media doesn't try and MAKE me feel that way. i was looking at pictures from the mtv awards show last night and couldn't believe how effing BONY. downright BONY all of the women were. is this really what we're subscribing to? this belief that women have to be stick thin to be beautiful?
i get irked seeing photographers only photograph tiny little women. it's beautiful at first, until you see that ALL of their photos are the same that way. i think it's boring and lame. some people like really skinny people. it's "in" right now to think super skinny is beautiful. well, i guess i'm out because i think there's more than just that.
now, don't think i'm advocating being overweight because i'm not. it's unhealthy and everyone should work to be healthy. but that's just it. we should be healthy, not emaciated. it seems like it's one extreme or the other, there's no place for people like me, who are "average" to "slender", not "skinny" to fit in with everybody else. it's sad to me that icons like jane russell, marilyn monroe and rita hayworth would be considered "Fat" by the sheep american public these days because they have actual shape. (and yes, i'm resisting using the word "curves" because i resent that word and the fact that overweight people use it as an excuse. curvy seems to be synonymous with overweight or obese these days.)
when i was heavier, i went through this bitter phase where i would say EVERYONE who was thinner than me was "too skinny" and blah blah blah. i'm being totally honest here, i was ugly because i was so bitter and loathed myself so much. i tried to justify my weight gain by saying that this or that person was "too skinny."
but this that i'm doing right now, this rant per say, is not like that. i'm well within a healthy weight range. i have nothing to be defensive about. and i'm not. i'm saddened that having shape is something that so many women don't like. i personally actually really like the way i look now. i've decided not to try and lose anymore weight because i don't want to look like a kid. i watch old movies and think those women are beautiful! they look like women! and no, i'm not saying super skinny women are any less "women". There is just something gorgeous about being a woman and having this beautiful womanly shape....EVERYONE should watch more old movies and shake themselves of this mindset that they have to look like....kristen stewart or something lol.
i guess what this whole rant leads to is that i have DECIDED: i'm going to be one LESS woman who adheres to the pressure to be a stick. i'm going to be a woman who keeps working out, keeps eating healthy and pretty much says to hell with trying to be a stick because the media tells me to be. i enjoy food (in moderation, and mostly healthy of course :P) and i'm not going to starve myself. sorry, just not going to do it.
some people are naturally like that and that's fine. we do what's best and healthiest for ourselves. but for the majority of us, we're not going to always be as skinny as we were when we were teenagers. i strongly suggest that as women we set our OWN standard and stop blindly basing our ideas of how we should look on what a bunch of hollywood women who have nothing to do but work out and pay for personal chefs and crap tell us to. let's figure out what we're supposed to be and learn to love it. seriously.

and with that, i'm outta here.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i'm just glad....

i'm awesome in some ways. i suck in others.
i've accomplished some great things....and haven't accomplished much of anything at all
i dream too little, i'm too practical now
i'm constantly changing things.
i suck sometimes, and i'm amazing other times.

but with all this said...
attesting to the fact that i am a flawed human being

i'm just glad i don't have to fake anything.

i know who i am. what i like and dislike.

i don't have to pretend i do things that i don't actually do, or pretend to like things that don't really interest me simply because i don't know who i am or what i'm all about.

nope, i know.

i know.

and i'm just glad

i never have to fake it.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

remember that time when....

it was good between us?? neither.

Friday, September 3, 2010

life actually...

today was one of those days.
you know, the kind where you wake up and wonder why you woke up at all....
maybe you don't know...but everyone has those days sometimes
as someone who has battled (and still is battling, albeit a much milder) depression, i know those days all too well
and today was one of them.

in the morning, anyhow.

but then i decided to get up and gtfo of my house. i went and hung out with my parents, just us three, for a few hours. it was really, really great. i love nights like that.

last night i gathered a bunch of pictures and music that are inspiring for my new work-in-progress. the new playlist i put on my blog (to the right) has some of the songs i'm listening to while writing. i spent hours browsing post-apocalyptic works of art. very interesting, very fun.

i love writing again. i love going to group and hearing that hey, i do have some talent and no, my new stuff doesn't suck.

suddenly i lost my train of thought. oh well.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


last night i had a complete renewal of faith in friendship.
after an iffy...frankly...crappy couple of weeks in friendship (in most regards, anyway) last night in a time of need, two girls were there for me without me even having to ask. i don't know why i didn't think of turning to them on my own, probably because i've become a little scared and cynical about friendship the last while...but they both reached out to me when i needed it and offered a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.
i couldn't be more thankful.

thank you, thank you.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

when you're a nerd....

just my luck, the guy interviewing me is a jock. from the look of it, a big jock. "hi." he sits down across from me. he's wearing a white polo, a baseball cap and basketball shorts. don't be biased, i scold myself. just because he's dressed like a high school football player with something to prove doesn't automatically make him a moron.
"nice to meet you," i say, giving him a big smile.
he seems surprised that i'd use such a phrase. it takes him a moment to say, "likewise," or something along those same lines. i wonder briefly if he's forgotten that this is a job interview and not just some happenstance meeting or social call.
"so, tell me about yourself," he says, sitting back in the most painfully "i'm trying uber hard to look casual and cool" pose i've ever seen.
i begin tell him a bit of my work experience and he interrupts me. "tell me like, your hobbies and that kind of thing. like, about yourself." he says, looking genuinely pleased as though i should be thrilled he's a "cool interviewer" and not a "regular interviewer" who wants to actually know about my work experience and skills.
regular mom and cool mom. regular interviewer and cool interviewer. i almost laugh but stop myself.
"well, i love to write." a look of confusion passes over his face. "i love to be outdoors," i add quickly. the confusion quickly switches to understanding and approval. "i'm big into computers, i like nerdy games and that kind of thing."
his face looks terribly confused again. in fact, he's staring at me now like i'm some kind of anomaly. i can just hear his thought process. attractive girl. likes computers. plays nerdy games.................(blank)
what kind of games do you play?" he asks, exaggerating his casual seated position just a little more.
"computer games mostly. i'm sort of addicted to world of warcraft," i joke.
he stares at me.


"that's what i play the most," i finish.
"well..." he trails off a moment, looking out into The Distance at Something Really Interesting before looking back at me. "not that i care or am into those kind of games or anything like that," he assures me, "but let's talk about this...aren't world of warcraft and starcraft the same thing?"
"oh!" i exclaim. i'm not sure which startles me more, the fact that he knows what starcraft is or that he thinks they're the same thing. seeing that he's staring at me in that spaced-out way again, i add, "well, no they're not-"
"my buddy plays starcraft," he continues. "i tried world of warcraft once. i mean, isn't starcraft just world of warcraft, but in space?"
i have to fight back the urge to laugh out loud. "i know about ten people who would kill you for saying that," i tell him. it's meant as a joke, of course, but he suddenly looks defensive.
"well i mean, not that i know about those games..." he tries a different angle. "i mean, world of warcraft is where you build up armies and fight other armies, right?"
this is starting to become painful. my nerdy sentiments are not only offended, they're ripped open and bleeding freely. the hapless jock barrels on, intent now on proving that he knows what he's talking about to the Hot Nerdy Girl. "like, you have cities and stuff?" he demands, almost aggressively.
"well, you build up characters," i say, trying my best to be delicate. but it's obvious delicacy isn't this guy's forte.
"right, like cities and armies and stuff." he says.
now it's my turn to stare. the jock adjusts his hat so it's tilted perfectly to the side. i force a smile. did this interview really just happen?
"i played that game once, but i wasn't very good at it." he says after a moment of looking off into space.

no kidding.

Monday, August 23, 2010

oh the seasons change.....

k summer....that's your hint to move much as i adore the blistering heat, hazy afternoons and constant sense of lethargic "is this a dream? oh" you've overstayed your welcome.
i do like a few things about summer, mind you. i love summer mornings and especially summer evenings with their radiant sunsets that melt into warm summer nights...i like bbq and smores, and ice cream...i like the fourth of july....
but the fourth of july was over a month ago....and i'm ready to trade bbq for hickory farm's sausage logs and cheeses, pretzels and pumpkin bread....i'm ready to trade even the warm summer mornings for crisp fall mornings and cold fall nights....(which will soon enough become WINTER nights! ah! i could die with joy for winter nights where the snow on the mountains and on the ground make the night bright even when the moon is hiding. woooo! but that's jumping ahead too much...)
i love fall clothes. i hate summer clothes. i can't wait to trade in my boring jeans, leggings and stupid short-sleeved shirts for sweaters, jackets and coats, and well...the jeans remain....
i can't wait to see the leaves turn into bright reds and flaming oranges...i can't wait to have hot drinks and walk down at riverwoods...i can't wait to go up to gateway mall and chill and not be thinking fml because it's so effing hot outside....
thuh end.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

it's been awhile....

cue britney spears!
actually no, cue the scorpions, motley crue, warrant, quiet riot and whatever other hairmetal bands you want, because that's all i've been listening to as of late.
as you can probably tell by my playlist haha
i've also been watching a bunch of documentaries about hair metal, an extravagant, excessive, crazy part of a the decade i was born in, where the only thing bigger than the guys' hair were their....nevermind....
moving on....i got brave and weighed myself today after off-and-on weeks of "dieting" and letting the fit hit the shan....and i haven't gained a single pound. nope, not a one. i sort of stared at the scale, lol'd, and then got really annoyed because my perception has been so out-of-whack that i expected to find that i'd gained five to ten pounds in the last month or so. but apparently the days i've "done well" have balanced out the days i haven't....this week i'm getting a gym pass so i can take the focus less off of calories and put it more into actual fitness again...i want to eat whole foods like fruits and veggies and not be worrying about calories because that's just absurd. so there you have it.
i've been brainstorming a lot on a new story idea and i'm really, really excited to begin. taking my wise sister's advice and really trying to find my "voice" with this will be interesting to see what kind of voice comes out after the last couple of years with very little writing at all...the story idea is pretty dang badack though, so let's hope i can do some justice.
in finding "inspiration" for my story, i'm planning a few things like a visit to the salt flats, going up AF canyon and hopefully! going to a gallery display of a photographer i really, really love in september....
all for now...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

the time has come, the walrus said.....

for this epic fail weekend as far as dieting end
seriously. it was one of those weekends my stomach had a bad flare-up and so i figured if the food i was eating was going to cause me that much pain, it may as well be food i actually like....
sundays are usually my "free" days....and after friday and saturday were as bad as they were, i'm wishing it was just monday....sundays are always a day of epic dinners and desserts....and to be honest i really just don't want to say no on sundays, no matter how bad yesterday and the day before sucked.... all begins again on monday...glory....

Sunday, July 4, 2010


holiday weekend thingy....
please end. i implore you.
i have a few more pounds to lose and i'm tired of wanting to eat foods i was easily avoiding before.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

almost there!

i've lost seven pounds in the last two weeks or so. this means i HIT MY ORIGINAL weight loss goal! now that i'm here, i'm actually going to lose six to ten more pounds, just out of personal preference.
but...I DID IT!!!

i just can't believe i'm finally almost there. i've been working so hard, and not binging has paid off so immensely.
there's someone i wish i could tell, so badly. i know she'd be happy for me too. after all, she and i started this weight loss journey together.
i hope she's doing amazingly too.

cheers to me!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

the time will come for us to finally win...

life is badack. can i just say that now? and yes, badack is a word. at least, it is to me. it's my substitution for badass. why? because i prefer to NOT sound like a chick at a truckstop. thxbye.

but seriously...even though my current situation is still...not exactly perfect nor favorable, i've been filled with optimism lately. and this optimism doesn't come from happy pills, kids. it comes from within.
first and foremost i'm seriously looking for a job, and i had an interview (finally!) on friday that really made me stoked. i didn't get the job, but it doesn't matter. just having an interview reminded me how excited i really am to be a working girl again. i'm going to keep applying, interviewing and trying until i find a job. it's exciting!
secondly, i haven't binged for nearly two weeks now. this is a BIG deal. no binging and i've been losing weight. even though i was sick last week, i didn't use it as an excuse to sit and drown my sorrows in food. milestone!
thirdly...i am mad excited to get back to school. a job is my first priority right now, but i'm hoping to get to school in the spring. i know for certain what i'm going to study- i want to major in linguistics. it's about 90% chance that i'll minor in cultural anthropology. i say 90% because i may minor in another field of anthropology. we will see. but the linguistics thing is for sure, and i couldn't be more excited. i've always been fascinated by language, culture and history. i can't wait to learn more about it.

i'm so grateful for everything, and that somehow i've been able to focus on the good instead of the worrisome since arriving back home. i'm determined to take control of my life in every way now, and instead of just saying so i'm actually doing so.

i love it.

Friday, June 18, 2010

why i love summer

ice cream.
fourth of july
festivals and parades
queens of the stone age and them crooked vultures
waking up early and having it be warm
waking up early and having it be light outside
daytime hanging around till nine o' clock

and a million other reasons i can't think of right now.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

why i rock

i'm aware this blog title sounds totally cocky. but as justin timberlake so kindly points out in one of his it being cocky if it's true?

or something like that.
i'm seriously not commonly quoting justin timberlake songs....but in this case, it works.

anyway, back to the matter at hand: i've been slowly rediscovering my complete and utter awesomeness. i've had some realizations. i'm stoked on my own coolness. i'm getting stoked on life again.

it feels awesome, knowing that i rock. i've realized that the past two years have been hard, and that i've gone through a lot....but i'm sososososo glad i've gone through this stuff being me.
there's not a person in the world i'd trade places with, and i mean that.
not physically, not mentally...
i love who i am.

i rock because i'm a total nerd and not ashamed of it.i rock because along those lines, i can quote star wars like it's going out of style and i pwn your face in world of warcraft.

i rock because i'm 1950's hot. you know, jane russell, rita hayworth, marilyn monroe... i look like a woman and not a prepubescent boy, or a plastic doll. i'm stoked i no longer look like a teenager.
i rock because i'm smart, and i know what i want in life. i'm going to major in linguistics and minor in cultural anthropolgy. i'll be speaking russian and you're going to wonder wtf i'm saying hahaha
i rock because i'm not afraid to get a job and push myself. i'm not afraid to work.

i rock because i went across the country and handled it beautifully when it didn't work out.

i rock because i'm a daughter of God and handle myself with the dignity that is required of such. i see the bigger picture. i love the bigger picture.

if this blog seems like a bragfest, you've got it all wrong or you have no idea what i've been the past couple of years. a shell of myself, a shadow. it was common when i used to talk this way, and you know what? it feels good to really feel this way again. this isn't false bravado. i am happy, confident, and wonderful.

it feels great to be back.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

things you learn in the fire

sometimes, being the bigger person hurts. it hurts enough that it makes you doubt why you're doing the right thing at all.

but i know once enough time goes by, being the bigger person is not something you'll regret.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


i have these dreams...
it's all okay.
oh they always seem so real.
so real.
i feel this happiness. i didn't break it. i could jump for joy!

but then
i always wake up.
i wake up, and it's cold.
it's broken. shattered.
the pieces of it splintered all around me
and the more i step on them, the more they cut into me
the more they hurt
it's gone

it's broken.