Wednesday, December 31, 2014

new year, same me

everybody loves to throw around the "new year, new you!" phrase. i dislike it.

i understand the sentiment, i just don't agree with it. over the past couple of months, i've been working really hard on knowing exactly who i am, and exactly who i am not. i've considered the positive and the negative, but mostly the positive. truth be told, i have spent more than enough time on the negative in my life already.

so lately, i've come to know myself and all of the great things that that entails. i have considered my strengths, the things i am naturally adept with, my potential that is brimming just below the surface or is sitting on the surface, but unused. i am slowly but surely enriching my life by adding things to it that i know i will love or maybe, will simply challenge me. i want the challenge. but i'm not undertaking all of this hoping to arrive at "a new me". i want to arrive as the me i am now. i want to experience life as i want it, as i hope for it. my own standards and judgements are all that matter. and there's no way in hell i'm going to sell myself short, and there's no need for reinvention. if you don't like yourself, by all means, make some changes. but don't expect to be someone entirely different. that doesn't happen. the good in you and the strength are already there. you just need to bring them out. you need to not be afraid to try and fail and maybe suffer a little.

the thing i've learned is, things that are supposed to seem great are anything but, when you have no sense of yourself. who you actually are. enjoyment isn't possible when you have no sense of yourself. by the same measure, suffering is not really that bad, when you're not afraid of taking it on because you have a sense of yourself and what YOU can handle and who you are. the good is that much better, and the bad is survivable when you respect yourself and know yourself and LIKE yourself.  because no matter what, you can't lose that. no matter what happens to you. and i've learned that recently. i finally have. "man's search for meaning" has finally smacked me upside the head with understanding. and not a minute too soon.

this morning i'm sitting on a porch chair in sunny southern california. the weather is beautiful, i am watching the sea, breathing it in. i am exactly where i want to be. the second year in a row, i've made this happen because it matters to me. funny enough, i've had problems since arriving here. a medication issue, that's left me with some pain and unpleasant symptoms. however, i'm solving that problem and it's not at the forefront of my mind.

what's at the forefront of my mind? that it's sixty-something degrees outside, the sun is beating down on my body and the air is fresh and i can taste the ocean in it. that tomorrow i will party with some of the coolest family anyone could hope for, that i will see an old friend while here. that this week holds for me whatever i want it to. that when i go back home, i will be buoyed up to survive the rest of the winter.

what else could i need?

this new year is going to hold for me, whatever i want it to. my physical limitations are shrinking daily and i am taking care of myself mentally and physically, getting stronger. i will do whatever i want to. i will be me, the same me i've always been- but with the experience of illness, heartbreak, rock-bottom-and-up-again, a renewal and removal of disillusionment. i will write passionately, laugh freely, (at myself, most of the time i'm sure) and surround myself with whomever and whatever i choose to. and at the end of the day, when i go to bed and look at myself in the mirror, i'll be happy that i am living MY life in THIS body. as THIS person.

and that's enough.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


i knew that when the thought of you no longer made me sick,
i was done.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

finders keepers

writing is my way to speak. my way to dream, to escape. to be someone. when things are really bad in my life, i stop writing. i deprive myself of the particular joy and sense of purpose it gives me. there's a kind of famine inside. right now, is the first time i've been able to write anything for too long of a while.

i've been moved. there are lots of things that move me. music. books. movies. nature. photographs and paintings. when i am being self-destructive as i had been, i hide from the things that move me. i become immoveable and numb to everything except pain. and then pain takes over and rules my existence.

 not physical pain, not necessarily. i live my life in physical pain the way normal people live without it. i don't have a choice in this, so i have adapted to fit it. my body has certain things wrong that will always cause me pain. fine. i have learned to live around the physical pain. that's not what scares me anymore. what scares me, is the emotional pain. mental pain. and that, i heap upon myself when i self-destruct. i heap it on like you wouldn't believe. 

until recently, i got caught in an ugly mess of a destructive cycle. i did everything i could to sabotage myself. i degraded myself and let myself be walked all over, hurt and demeaned. i lashed out at people i care about and tried to please the people i didn't care about. i surrounded myself with company that made me squirm inside. i behaved in ways that those who know and love me, would never recognize. and then, the physical side came crashing down. i am still dealing with it currently and won't know much until tomorrow, when i meet with my surgeon. i hope that whatever is going on, is something that won't require surgery or anything drastic. i know that some part of me believes i deserve to lose certain things that mean so much to me. i am trying to fight against that part of me with all that i consciously can.

i guess i should say what moved me recently. finally. i finally hit rock-bottom in my self-destructive cycle and realized i could go no lower. the whole thing was complete. i was finally done. i had enough to remind myself of, enough to cringe over, for a long time. once that was finished, i began picking pieces of myself back up and putting them in a drawer for later- for when i would feel capable of trying to put myself back together again.

time went by where i just existed. until recently. several things happened. one of them though, was that i started reading "the fountainhead" by ayn rand. don't roll your eyes. while you may have to tolerate rand's ideals to read "atlas shrugged" perhaps, "the fountainhead" is purely a work of fiction and can be enjoyed (and yet still moving) as such. i saw myself looking into my own soul when i read the character of dominique francon. and i began to understand. that book has inspired me and lifted me, and also reminded me of why i love writing. there's a lot of beautiful language to be had for someone who knows how to use words- and that is one thing i've always been able to give myself. i know how to use them. i'm a born wordsmith. it's the one thing i never let go of even at my most self-destructive. i deprive myself of writing, but because i know that i CAN. there is never any doubt of that.

right now, i feel simply grateful that something reached me. that since reading that book, i have been able to feel moved by the things i love again. no matter what happens with my health, i have those things. i have writing. i am done being self-destructive because i've finally been able to admit to it, and more  importantly, to the WHY.

if anything i ever write, accomplishes what that book has accomplished for will be worth everything i've put myself through to get there.
finders keepers. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

my month of sleeping on couches is OVER!

right now i'm sitting on my new bright and cozy bed. the mattress is something luxuriously plush and tall and comfy, and something i'd never have bought for myself so i am SO LUCKY to have inherited it from my generous sister and brother-in-law. the bedding, a bright red with cream circles that looks very sixties-esque, is new as of last night. it's the perfect mismatch with my bright blue walls and hardwood flooring. and the biggest bonus of all, of course, was that last night (my first night with my new bed).....


now imagined that's underlined twice, with asterisks at each end for emphasis. why? why is this such a big deal? beds are for sleeping. is it really blogworthy for me to be going all mattress crazy on my blog? do i really need to throw in (yet again. oops.) that i SLEPT LIKE A FREAKING BABY?

meh.....probably not. but look at it this way. i'm someone who has had some pretty major back problems the past few years. these existed before any of other health issues, and grew to be even worse due to the nature of the health issues that later arrived and made themselves at home.

so very recently, things were getting BAD for my back. every time i slept on my old, hard as a board bed, i'd wake up in agony and take about ten minutes to slowly move each limb to the edge of the bed, and then slowly try to stand. dressing took FOREVER because i had to sit down to put most of my clothes on and couldn't bend over to put my socks on without much discomfort and i'll admit, unkindly words of the sailor variety.

let's just say, i stopped sleeping on that bed because it was doing damage to me. i have literally been sleeping on couches for the last month, trying to buy a mattress. and then, i got one for free. and a really, really good one too.

aww it's november. so sure, i'm thankful. and what great motivation too ;) right now i'm writing from my bed, which i so often loved to do before. now i''m back in my big cozy bed and loving it. this is how you spend sunday nights man. i'm writing the night away on a very exciting project......playing WoW and reading.

multitasking is good, my friends.
especially when you have a giant comfy bed to do it in!!


Sunday, November 2, 2014

this is how my brain works in the fall/winter (is coming!) sorry couldn't help that....anyway.....

the past few months of my life have been difficult.
trust me, at this point....i'm REALLY sick of saying that. i'm sick of it being my motto- that's what it feels like. but let me say, it's led me to some really good realizations and changes so, it's not wasted.

it's never wasted, life being hard. i'm really starting to understand that.

my great grandma passed away in the beginning of september, and a cycle began. i couldn't see it then, but now with the benefit of hindsight i can. her death brought a sharp reality into my brain and my heart and really every part of me, that i had never experienced before. i began to get a little morbidly interested in death. i was dealing with all parts of it. the physical loss of a person. seeing a person's body and knowing that their soul is missing. wondering, where that goes. wondering, if we remain conscious through everything, do we become pure matter without consciousness? so many thoughts.

and then not long after my great grandma passed away, taking with her this presence that had existed before i was born and had been there my entire life so far......a whole different aspect of death came in from the other side. scout, for all intents and purposes my baby. dying. dying. and then gone.

and after lying on the floor at the vet's office, holding scout's face so that our eyes were staring right into each other's and our noses touched, and i watched the life slowly ebb from him and i was still holding him. crying hysterically because death once again was here. and i didn't know what to do. it quickly took my great grandma and it quickly took my companion and child. and my world was just kind of rocked. it was rocked while suddenly death seemed to be the only thing i could thing about. death, in all its stages and exactly what it is and does. and at the same time, the season is changing from gentle fall to harsher whisperings of winter, with early darkness and promised snows.....

and i am just like, what the hell.

k life, just calm the eff down for a moment. let me breathe. my anxiety starts causing panic attacks and my meds need to be adjusted. and then, something bad happens. a week later, i'm down with pouchitis again. i'm starting to realize that i am doing certain things to myself sub-consciously. that i am internalizing guilt and shame and anger, and that these things are attacking me now the same way they were attacking my colon. and i'm realizing i'm setting myself up for a crappy life if i don't check myself and fast. reigning in my self-loathing, so i can actually get healthy. that is all i want, i realize. all i want.

so here i admit, i have issues. everybody has their own. but mine are just.....they're issues born from trauma. i didn't understand that these kind of issues don't just go away with a little affirmation in the mornings, or whatever. i have issues directly related to the fact that my life was about being sick, potentially dying, and just surviving day-to-day. my life has been survival. and just that. so while in some aspects i've certainly matured beyond my years. it's obvious to me whenever i'm around my peers. it's also obvious that my social skills are lacking, and that's directly related to me being very isolated when i was sick. i was missing out on years of emotional growth in very basic ways, while making emotional growth into advanced stages in other ways. i have a deep understanding about pain and loss, and the special horror of your body destroying itself so systemically. like a program gone wrong, and suddenly it's just going into shutdown and your  heart and your spirit are screaming. this isn't what you wanted! and not so young. the physical and mental/emotional are at odds. and having your body become the grounds of a civil war between your soul, your core, and the physical. it's a mess.

i didn't really understand, even with all my preparations, what kind of mark sickness and surgery were going to leave on me. what kind of isolation i really sank into. like a big bathtub full of icy water. nearly two years since my first surgery, and i still can hardly fathom it.  it's still hard to look at the pictures. my health hasn't gotten THAT much better. i do not feel "done" with this yet, and i'd hoped that i would be at this point.

i've  always been an intense person. but all of that, and the mark it's left on me, has made me even more intense. i'm trying to learn what to dial down, and what is actually good intensity. i'm trying really hard to be a good person, because i feel like i wasn't made a "good person", with traits that lend well toward goodness. ha! if anything, i have a host of traits that lend toward selfishness, vanity, impatience with myself, and the deep-down, marrow-deep belief that i am not worth anything. i have a temper, i can be calculating. i have some tendencies that would lend well to me being a sleazy person, not caring about anything but living this life- and living it the way i want to.

but then there's a whole other side-just less developed, where good traits have been fed and watered in recent years. if i care for them, if i tend to them, can they overtake the rottenness that is already there?

i want to be a GOOD PERSON. it sure doesn't sound glamorous at all, but i've never cared much for glamor anyway. i think i have the makings of both a lousy person and a good one (don't we all?) but i think the good things are in the beginning stages of being able to overpower the bad, finally. it will be a process long and slow. but that's what life is, right?

ps- i want to be a good person. i'm not all that stoked on being a completely sane person ;)  though...heh. the greatest artists and writers never are. my intensity fans the flame of my creativity, so though dialed-down it may become..... will never disappear.

Friday, October 24, 2014

yeah, i'm awake.

a rude awakening that my perspective is way off. that i always, always, ALWAYS expect the worst and react that way to everything. that i do not communicate well, despite my intentions. that i expect passive-aggressiveness, for everything to really mean something else. i grew up with that such a part of my life that now, it's burrowed into my brain. i feel stupid, and ashamed and i'm tired. sometimes i feel like i have nothing good to offer anybody. really.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

the beauty of it

once you understand your own capacity, the depth of feeling you can have for other people and creatures and things, then you know exactly who and what to really let in. you decide exactly who you're going to love, respect, and cherish and anything else. you decide who and what you might only tolerate to add to the greater good of your life. nobody else decides it for you. you decide who and what are really worth making space and time for. and that's the beauty of it! nobody can force you to love them, respect them, like them or even make room for them. and you can't decide that for anybody else. and it's not an insult, it's human nature. we are all so different. we will not all love or respect or like each other the same way, we may not want everybody who wants to be in our lives to be there. sometimes there simply isn't any room for what certain people or things bring you.

 and that's okay.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

life IS made of moments

i've heard that phrase a thousand times and dismissed it as trite or trying too hard. "everyday life isn't that poetic," i'd scoff. this was me, sick, after all. and my "moments" were spent in pretty non-poetic ways.

but i've had a change of heart. don't i always? life absolutely IS made of moments. all different kinds. they don't have to be poetic to matter, though there are plenty that are and do. i've realized that life is made of moments, as i've tried harder and harder to capture them in some way.

the why is simple. everyone now likes to photograph and note just about everything they do. it's part of culture to "share" and therefore make everything shareable. for me, it's a little different. my short-term memory is a little like dory's from finding nemo. ;) this is yet another unexplained bit of fun in the endless parade of "weird things my body has decided to do" since getting sick/being treated/having surgeries. my memory used to be sharp as a tack and endless. i was good at remembering just about everything, especially things i didn't want to. ;)

now? it's hard to explain the stretches of emptiness where memories should be. it's not like it's THAT bad, that i'm losing it or something. it's just...not very much time has to pass, and things begin to fade. not all that slowly, and suddenly, an event or time has a single image attached to it that i remember. and that's it. a dozen little things may have transpired but it have a fixed image of just one. just some random moment that i can recall, and not much else. the irony in my life truly is never-ending....right? anyone who knows me, has heard me talk about this and would probably agree.

anyway....this summer, i decided i really wanted to try and snag myself more "moments" by taking a lot of pictures. yes, i get razzed for this. no, i don't care. ;) for me, it's the difference between having a wonderful night with friends and remembering two seconds of us sitting by the fire versus, looking at a picture and remembering an ENTIRE conversation because of one word i typed in below it for myself to look back on later. it's the difference between SUMMER: LONG NIGHTS HOT DAYS and, remembering all the different nights and the things i did, longboarding down the canyon and the conversations around the fire and the camping and the stargazing and getting ice cream and making dinner and my sister's wedding and the salt flats at sunrise with the ruki's for my aunt's wedding and and and....the list is endless. and the days? instead of ME AND BEKAH WENT PLACES it's, we went up the canyon and ran around sundance, explored parks in alpine and orem and went to the mall where she picked out dozens of pairs of crazy leggings.

 yes, i have pictures and little blurbs of key words for these things and i remember them because of it. i'm not embarrassed that this is how i have learned to remember things, since my memory has gone to pot after the medications and the anesthesia and maybe even because of the emotional trauma of my illness and the bag, etc. i don't want or mean to sound dramatic. this is just a fact of the past few years of my life, the reality of my everyday existence for awhile. there was a lot of time spent in drug-induced hazes, gray space in my bed or in a hospital. "medicated" was my middle name.

actually, i'm proud. i have a summer to look back on, filled with moments. made up of them, even. and this time, they won't fade.

Sunday, August 10, 2014


oh my goodness, the relief.

i have made solid decisions. changes. set my course and grabbed a compass. FINALLY. finally after months of floundering and wandering with no sense of direction, i know where i want to go.

work begins tomorrow, and i am ready. i have set sail things that i have no business keeping harbored any longer. taking old adages to heart and moving forward. learning what serves a purpose, and what doesn't. it sounds a little cold and calculating, and maybe it is. but i didn't fight for my health the past few years to live the life i've had for the last  (much too) long while. so, here it goes.done. kaput.

auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

Thursday, August 7, 2014


sometimes i just feel like my actions don't deserve half of the crap i'm putting up with right now. like i'm the butt of a constant, lousy joke.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

one more

one more thing and i'm gone.

and that's the good thing about being me, i guess. one of the only good things. i have a million places to go.

the second best thing is, it won't matter.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

you are here <---

those self-destructive avenues we wander down, ignoring the signs telling us to turn back or to keep out. we don't like to ask for directions. we ignore signs. we don't bring a map. and even when we can feel ourselves getting more and more lost with each turn, we don't stop. what do you do about it? what can you even say in your own defense, for arriving at a fork in the road and choosing the path that you know ends in a murky swamp or a sweeping cliff, or dark and endless woods? self-destruction is the ultimate in harm- you do it to yourself, and like quicksand you can't get out.

and you chose it. you made it that way.

back to square one

that's what it feels like, when some of your closer friends all start dating people at the same time.

 i'm the odd one out, back to square one.

Monday, July 14, 2014


it's easier to think
everyone is lying
there's always an agenda
nobody really thinks about others over themselves
"i want you to believe me." why should i?
"i want you to trust me." how can i?

what is it? we're all human.

why are you so surprised?

Friday, July 11, 2014

when we learn to fear

when do we learn to fear? i've been thinking about this a lot lately. that attitude of, i'd climb high....but i don't want to fall. at a certain age we become practical, and practicality can kill dreams.

here's what i've learned, though: things hurt for a short time, and then you get over it. the more you face down those things that make you shiver and shake, the less of an effect they have, until they don't anymore. it's true, there's real danger in life. but if you spend your entire existence avoiding danger, you miss just about everything.

i've been through some of the things i feared most in this world the last few years, and i've survived. so i'm not that scared anymore. the way i look at it, bring it on.
most things are worth the risk.

Thursday, July 3, 2014


pretty sure i'm nothing
here to be walked on, here to be kicked
and take it
and that's it

i'm too old now to laugh when someone else gets hurt,
too old to call it funny

but too young to feel sorry for myself
and especially too young to admit it

sometimes i look back, and realize there's nothing to see
so all i can do is look forward
leave hints of where i've been before
and signs on the roads i don't want to go down again

i guess i'll just wander
until i'm old enough to stop and rest
and old enough
to pretend to forget

Friday, June 20, 2014

the way that autism sometimes hurts.

"people with autism don't care about social interaction."

this was one of the earliest lies we were told when bekah was diagnosed seventeen years ago.or maybe misinformation would be a better word. right away was that myth, that she'd always live in her own world separate from us. that she would probably never seek us out and never love us the way that we loved her. affection? we were pretty much told to forget it. it was something we'd likely never see.

the way it was all described sounded as if, at least among anything else, rebekah would never feel lonely. she'd be isolated, but not lonely. it took me a long time to understand that idea before i could draw any comfort from it. and by the time i could have, i understood that it was completely and totally bunk.

my sister is one of the most affectionate people alive. meet her, and if you don't treat her like some kind of alien, she will probably love you faster than just about anyone else you know. she is ALWAYS trying to kiss people, say hello, and get attention. and even though crowds can be quickly overwhelming for her, she LOVES to go to public places like the park and the mall to be with other people. when school is out for the summer, she asks about her friends there.

and here is the part that lately, has begun to hurt.

bekah IS lonely sometimes. being out of school and not at her regular summer camp has been hard for her. every day, she asks me about "summer programs" and friends she misses. she asks about aides that have worked with her from past to present. when i take her places, i see her watching kids around her with a certain look in her eyes that breaks my heart. she wants so badly to be a part of certain things. she wants to have more friends. i spend hours each day with her, hanging out and going places. we are not just sisters, but friends. but i've realized lately, i cannot be everything to her. there is a need inside of her for friends outside of our family. there is a want to be a part of things.

there is a certain kind of loneliness.

this has been eating at me lately. i feel powerless to truly understand 100% how deep that loneliness goes. maybe it's not as much as i think it is, maybe it's worse. i can't know for sure. what i do know is, i hurt for her more than i've ever hurt for myself when i think about her being lonely or feeling like she's missing out.

i love bekah so much, every aspect of who she is. but if i could take this ONE thing, loneliness, away...i would.

Friday, June 6, 2014

just the chance

dear healthy people,


do i need to repeat that? how about you just read it twice. until you get it. then, resolve to do more of the things you can so easily do that are impossible for those of us who are sick. go live that life that i would love to be living, and am trying really hard to not feel bitter about.

my problem is, i'm in love with life. and i see people living the life i want so badly. people who don't even deserve it, sometimes, is how i feel. and i hate thoughts like that. i don't want to be the person that thinks that way.

most of all, though, i don't want to be "the sick girl". it is not the role i want to play. I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. i don't want to be the girl who sees the adventures everybody else is having on her Facebook newsfeed, while i'm doing nothing but being sick and sick and more sick. i want more than anything to work full-time with my boys and bekah. i want to be hiking and camping and mountain biking and climbing. i want to go on road trips, and work three different jobs so i can actually afford to live. i want the life that everyone around me seems to have. i'm just starting to wonder if, there are some things i really might never have. before i got sick, i NEVER allowed myself to view something as unachievable to me. but my will is trumped so often by the weakness of my body, and i'm realizing more and more that that's how it is. for now, and it's looking like maybe always.

this isn't how i planned it. this isn't what i want. i want life so much it makes me ache.

i don't want to miss out on any more than i already have. i have so much in me beyond just being the sick girl over in the corner. i just want a chance at it.

Monday, June 2, 2014

no, no and NO.


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

in which, my disdain for romance is challenged a little.

well so, everyone knows i'm not a romantic person.

my myspace url was "anti_romantic" back in the day....and we all know our myspace pages in the old days tell who we really are ;)

no but seriously...the whole antiromantic thing has kind of always been and it seems it always will be. i fail at feelings, and seeing other people not failing at feelings usually just makes me want to crack lame jokes, or puke a little, or run from the room screaming.

my sister and her fiance, though, are a whole different story. and maybe it's because when it comes to love, THEY ARE a whole different story.

and they're a long story, one that's not really mine to be telling about on my blog at two am in the morning. but it IS mine to say that seeing them in love makes me understand why people act like love is such a big deal. they make me see why people think pledging their lives to each other isn't an absolutely insane idea. they make me see that i don't want anything less than what i see that they have together, and that it's perfectly okay to NOT settle for anything less, which i've never wanted to do anyway.
but they're a good reminder for me, always, in case i ever struggle with that, because hey one thing i've learned these past few years is you never know what life is going to throw your way. and you're never too smart to do something stupid every once in awhile.

but you're never too stupid to deserve something great, either. and not that jenn and tyson have ever been really stupid. but man, i have been. have i EVER. and i need to see that, there are people who have waited for something amazing for maybe just a little bit while they lived their lives, and guess what? it WAS there waiting for them.

so, my recent stupidities aside. my many failures and seemingly endless missteps. i am one of those people who loves my own company and has no problem "being alone" romantically because i am fulfilled in so many other ways. but maybe someday, some kind of love will be there for me. and i'm grateful for my sister and her fiance for showing me why it's worth caring about and maybe even hoping for. and above all else, i am SO happy for them, anything about me totally aside.

so guess what.....hooray for love, for like two seconds.....i'll give that little cheer for romance.

then i'll duck behind the door and laugh a little, because that's what i do. ;)

Monday, April 14, 2014


nothing beats it, kids.

after a really hard last couple of months, i'm feeling like myself again. sometimes, our unhappiness is self-made, and i'll admit that my recent bout most certainly was.

but, how can i be unhappy? spring is full upon us. i work with amazing people and with my boys who i love with all my heart, and my health is on the upswing. honestly, i may not be 100% healthy or really anywhere near, but i am doing well and taking care of myself and GETTING THERE. and that's what matters.

so....i hope my happiness is infectious like the plague ;) this weekend is nerd-heaven and the next i get to spend with one of my greatest friends in the world!! life is looking goooooood


Sunday, April 13, 2014


sometimes these things they are so easy

sometimes these things they are so cold

sometimes these things they seem to rip you right in two,

only if you let them get to you.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

lately i've been like a clock without a face.....

i really should stop this nonsense.

the truth is, lately all i want is to not mess things up for myself any further than i already have.

here is what i should have remembered: "because i can't have it" is not a good enough reason to want something, and unavailability is simply a road map you use to get lost.

make sense? no? good. welcome to my brain.

please wash the towels before you leave and make the bed, you slob.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

forget what I said before....

the worst thing is when you disappoint YOURSELF.

Friday, March 28, 2014

like clockwork?

being a grown-up is full of a lot of great, amazing and wonderful stuff.

consequently, growing up brings with it some of life's biggest pains and disappointments.

you learn what it is to be jaded, because you learn what it is to be wrong about someone. friend, lover, family member, coworker, somebody you used to know....they pack the same brand of punch in varying degrees. you think you know somebody, that you can depend on them maybe, and then you learn that they're nothing like what you thought they were.

the truth is, this happens to everybody and we all do it to somebody. in some way, shape or form, i have let somebody down or disappointed somebody when their expectations of me were not met. i might not even be as big of a jerk as somebody pegged me as, and in its own way that's disappointing. it could be ANYTHING. we're human. maybe somebody is only the somebody you thought they might be when they're having a good day or they're drunk or whatever. but you're always met with the same sad reality.

i personally think this is worst when it involves family members and friends. they're both supposed to be people you can trust, usually more than anyone else, so being disappointed by them stings the most sharply. and instead of being just a little sting that hurts at the time, these disappointment stings are laced with venom that gets under your skin and stays awhile. it might cause you pain and anger for awhile after the actual disappointment first sets in. disillusionment can build when you've had enough of these venomous stings. you might have tiny expectations for someone, they don't meet them, and instead of being sad you just find yourself thinking, "seriously? that was NOTHING. pull it the eff together!"

and just like that, you're jaded.

well, not just like that. over years and years of your soft and tender emotional flesh being stung repeatedly, you build a tougher, thicker and less forgiving skin. and then you're walking around, an emotional and mental leatherface ;) stings become more annoying than painful. you learn to expect them from almost everybody and save your actual personality and feelings for those who DON'T disappoint you, after enough time.

so as i was saying, you end up jaded a little. just like that. like....clockwork.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

about love

i'm about to say something that maybe i shouldn't say. but lately, i've realized that i can't ignore this anymore, or hide from it, or even run away.

i don't love the way i should.

there, i said it. i'm admitting that, other people come in about tenth place following me, me, me, me me. i'm not exaggerating. i'm not trying to be cool by saying this. in fact, i'm terrified of it and it's made me feel like a horrible person for about as long as i can remember.

why don't i love people the way that everybody else seems to? why is it so easy for me to cast people aside, to forget them, to hurt them or push them away? my self-destruction in this area knows no bounds. it's hurt my family, it's hurt my ex-husband, and it's hurt my friends. the only people it HASN'T hurt are the kids i've worked with over the years. and i guess here is where i make my admission, that those kids have sometimes been the only thing i've loved. that when people find out where i work, and start going, "ohhh, you must be such a good person!" i always shrink because i feel like, i hold to that love i have for my kids because sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel human. once i started working as a para and realized how much it took me out of my own completely self-centered head, i decided i would never have any other kind of job again.

i really do love every kid i've ever worked with. for some reason, kids with autism and me, we just connect. they burrow into my heart and stay there even when it freezes over.

but...other relationships i have- budding friendships or friendships i've had for YEARS...i go into destructive mode. i do things i KNOW will push the other person away. i wait for them to leave. and if they don't, i leave. and it's always just a matter of time one way or the other. i can count on one hand the number of friends that have lasted through this. and hey, i don't blame people. when someone pushes you away, annoys you as much as possible, acts like a robot...whatever- then who wants to stay? pretty much nobody. and that's why i'm here, writing about it. because i recently read a book about a character who was so selfish and horrible that she destroyed everyone around her. and she kept it up, until the last few pages, when she makes this huge sacrifice to prove to herself that she can love someone. and all i could do was go back to the bookstore night after night and read that book over and over again. i didn't want to identify with the main character because she was so despicable. but shirking reality hasn't done me any good so far, so i'm not going to keep doing it.

it's hard because in some ways, getting sick and having surgeries that i hated made this worse. it was even more acceptable for me to be self-centered than ever, so i thrived doing so. i let it be an excuse to shove everybody away from me in every way i could. and it's just....damage that can't simply be undone, most of it. but i'm writing this blog because i want to try.

i have a couple of good friends left in my life. they are people i love and care for, in differing degrees. they have stuck around even though i pushed them away. they deserve more from me. so, this blog is me saying that i'm going to change this. i'm going to try. that blog i wrote awhile back about being isolated...was the beginning of admitting this to myself. this is my follow-up, my pledge.

working with the kids and loving them completely, without limits, THINKING about them when i leave work and caring for them no matter what else is going on, has shown me that i DO have the capacity to love. i just need to learn how.

so, here's where i start.

please be patient with me.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

things you learn when bad things come in 3's.

might as well "skip the foreplay" so to speak. things are about to get really deep and mature up in here so i figured i'd crack a lame, immature joke as an appetizer. now that THAT'S out of the way.....

i had one of the worst and most difficult weeks i've had in a LONG time, this past week. EVERYTHING seemed to go completely wrong every which way i turned. things that had seemed steady and constant in my life were getting messy, and miscommunication abounded. the sheer amount of miscommunication made me realize i might seriously need to look into therapy to address how i communicate with people. i felt so completely mis-taken and misunderstood in situations that i thought i was totally alright in.

needless to say, it was disheartening and surprising and a little painful all at once. like getting one of those big birthday cakes that you expect a trio of singing showgirls to pop out of, but instead it's ronald mcdonald with a machete....or something. think about that for a moment. NOT a pretty picture.

anyway....when things like this happened in the past (usually one at a time, but they do say bad things come in 3's....) i used to do the following:

get really inordinately angry and take it out on everyone around me


self-destruct until the situation was so bad, it was out of my life.

yeah....i never claimed to be very sane.

anyway, that's what i USED to do. this week, i certainly got angry. it was my first impulse, like it always is. i let myself get wound up a little....and then something strange happened....

i went to the bookstore and/or drove for hours at a time....and i calmed down.

i know, i know. to normal human beings this might be really anticlimactic and not sound like a very big deal. but probably if you think that, you've never seen me in "angry whirlwind of self-destruction" mode. instead of letting myself get more and more wound up, angrier and angrier, i got in my car and drove. and kept driving. and when i got tired of driving, i went to the bookstore and read for hours. novels i've never picked up before, by authors i'm not familiar with. and the more i read and drove, the more clearly i was able to see my situations. and when i could see them clearly, i began to formulate solutions in my head for each issue.

there was a lot in the things that had gone wrong that i had no control over. normally the idea of that drives me absolutely nuts. but this time around, almost immediately i recalled just a short year ago when i continually had to re-schedule my second surgery because of a bad case of pneumonia. that was easily one of the most trying things i have ever experienced and it taught me a HUGEGIANT lesson: that there is always going to be a lot that you cannot control, but you can ALWAYS choose to control your own reaction to things. it took months of misery and anger with that surgery situation for me to REALLY learn that lesson but....i realized this week that i really had learned it. i hadn't just learned it for that single situation. it's something that really hit me and dug in deep. and when i realized that, everything didn't seem so bad anymore. right away i went to work on the things i knew i could do to solve the issues that were plaguing me and resolved to accept whatever came of the aspects i couldn't control.

and you know what? it was almost easy when i reached that point. i woke up this morning and got right to work on my action plans. for the most part, everything turned out alright. and for what didn't....i felt a real sense of serenity and inner peace. i had done what i could, and i'd resolved to be an adult and a decent human being and that was all i could do. and knowing that i'd done that, that i felt good about how i had handled MY business, was enough to turn my week around. my goal was to end the week in a happy place and guess what?

i have.

maybe my communication skills could use a little work but seriously.....i'm starting to feel like a real live grown-up, and a pretty kickass one at that.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

the fact is,

sometimes i think, the inspiration for writing comes through the bad things.

i woke up this morning wanting to write. write write write.

and thinking...
the fact is, i don't know how to let people in. i don't know how to be a friend. i am isolated.

those things don't just go away over time. if anything, over the past few years and with everything i've had to deal with with my health, they've just gotten worse.

well, it should make for some interesting writing.