just the chance

dear healthy people,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT.


do i need to repeat that? how about you just read it twice. until you get it. then, resolve to do more of the things you can so easily do that are impossible for those of us who are sick. go live that life that i would love to be living, and am trying really hard to not feel bitter about.

my problem is, i'm in love with life. and i see people living the life i want so badly. people who don't even deserve it, sometimes, is how i feel. and i hate thoughts like that. i don't want to be the person that thinks that way.

most of all, though, i don't want to be "the sick girl". it is not the role i want to play. I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. i don't want to be the girl who sees the adventures everybody else is having on her Facebook newsfeed, while i'm doing nothing but being sick and sick and more sick. i want more than anything to work full-time with my boys and bekah. i want to be hiking and camping and mountain biking and climbing. i want to go on road trips, and work three different jobs so i can actually afford to live. i want the life that everyone around me seems to have. i'm just starting to wonder if, there are some things i really might never have. before i got sick, i NEVER allowed myself to view something as unachievable to me. but my will is trumped so often by the weakness of my body, and i'm realizing more and more that that's how it is. for now, and it's looking like maybe always.

this isn't how i planned it. this isn't what i want. i want life so much it makes me ache.

i don't want to miss out on any more than i already have. i have so much in me beyond just being the sick girl over in the corner. i just want a chance at it.