Sunday, August 17, 2014

life IS made of moments

i've heard that phrase a thousand times and dismissed it as trite or trying too hard. "everyday life isn't that poetic," i'd scoff. this was me, sick, after all. and my "moments" were spent in pretty non-poetic ways.

but i've had a change of heart. don't i always? life absolutely IS made of moments. all different kinds. they don't have to be poetic to matter, though there are plenty that are and do. i've realized that life is made of moments, as i've tried harder and harder to capture them in some way.

the why is simple. everyone now likes to photograph and note just about everything they do. it's part of culture to "share" and therefore make everything shareable. for me, it's a little different. my short-term memory is a little like dory's from finding nemo. ;) this is yet another unexplained bit of fun in the endless parade of "weird things my body has decided to do" since getting sick/being treated/having surgeries. my memory used to be sharp as a tack and endless. i was good at remembering just about everything, especially things i didn't want to. ;)

now? it's hard to explain the stretches of emptiness where memories should be. it's not like it's THAT bad, that i'm losing it or something. it's just...not very much time has to pass, and things begin to fade. not all that slowly, and suddenly, an event or time has a single image attached to it that i remember. and that's it. a dozen little things may have transpired but it have a fixed image of just one. just some random moment that i can recall, and not much else. the irony in my life truly is never-ending....right? anyone who knows me, has heard me talk about this and would probably agree.

anyway....this summer, i decided i really wanted to try and snag myself more "moments" by taking a lot of pictures. yes, i get razzed for this. no, i don't care. ;) for me, it's the difference between having a wonderful night with friends and remembering two seconds of us sitting by the fire versus, looking at a picture and remembering an ENTIRE conversation because of one word i typed in below it for myself to look back on later. it's the difference between SUMMER: LONG NIGHTS HOT DAYS and, remembering all the different nights and the things i did, longboarding down the canyon and the conversations around the fire and the camping and the stargazing and getting ice cream and making dinner and my sister's wedding and the salt flats at sunrise with the ruki's for my aunt's wedding and and and....the list is endless. and the days? instead of ME AND BEKAH WENT PLACES it's, we went up the canyon and ran around sundance, explored parks in alpine and orem and went to the mall where she picked out dozens of pairs of crazy leggings.

 yes, i have pictures and little blurbs of key words for these things and i remember them because of it. i'm not embarrassed that this is how i have learned to remember things, since my memory has gone to pot after the medications and the anesthesia and maybe even because of the emotional trauma of my illness and the bag, etc. i don't want or mean to sound dramatic. this is just a fact of the past few years of my life, the reality of my everyday existence for awhile. there was a lot of time spent in drug-induced hazes, gray space in my bed or in a hospital. "medicated" was my middle name.

actually, i'm proud. i have a summer to look back on, filled with moments. made up of them, even. and this time, they won't fade.

Sunday, August 10, 2014


oh my goodness, the relief.

i have made solid decisions. changes. set my course and grabbed a compass. FINALLY. finally after months of floundering and wandering with no sense of direction, i know where i want to go.

work begins tomorrow, and i am ready. i have set sail things that i have no business keeping harbored any longer. taking old adages to heart and moving forward. learning what serves a purpose, and what doesn't. it sounds a little cold and calculating, and maybe it is. but i didn't fight for my health the past few years to live the life i've had for the last  (much too) long while. so, here it goes.done. kaput.

auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

Thursday, August 7, 2014


sometimes i just feel like my actions don't deserve half of the crap i'm putting up with right now. like i'm the butt of a constant, lousy joke.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

one more

one more thing and i'm gone.

and that's the good thing about being me, i guess. one of the only good things. i have a million places to go.

the second best thing is, it won't matter.