Friday, May 28, 2010


i'm moving on.
it's about time, i know.
but we were friends for seven years. seven years don't disappear in the course of a few weeks, or even a couple of months.
no, they still haven't disappeared.
but i've put them in a drawer.
one i open when i need a pick-me-up, when i want to laugh and fondly look back on how awesome some of our times were
it was you i talked to about my first real crush in high school. we sat in your basement, and you guys always had that door open. bugs made a permanent home out of your walls.
see? i wasn't always terrified of bugs...because i sat in that room with all of those bugs and absolutely didn't care...
but i digress...
we talked about my first crush and listened to bob marley...
the guy ended up being a first-class douchebag, but that's beside the point :)
we were always quoting spongebob and fight club. what a combo.
hours we spent taking stupid pictures and decking out our myspace pages.
just like everyone else in highschool with myspace, we wanted to look cool...
we pretended we didn't care...
we would dance in your house, all the time. sometimes to jennifer lopez and sometimes to random rock music. did i say dancing? i mean rather throwing ourselves around to the music. that was more our style...
we went to texas, looking and acting like fools. it was fun, though. i don't think i'll ever forget it...unless i lose my mind when i'm an old person...which would be fitting considering our track record with old people...
when i worked at national apartment finance and you worked at xango, we'd send emails and im all day was almost as fun as hanging out...and even though we were always complaining about how bored we were, we weren't bored at all...we were too busy sending high school renditions of "look down" to each other and talking about britney spears and the guys we liked...
those nights where we were "thirteen" again. amy grant...rockstars....snackwells...
our obsession with winter...all because of That Winter, which we always spoke of with capital emphasis...i remember when walmart first opened their christmas section last year and we all but spazzed and died after seeing it...
the end was not fitting of the rest of it...i sort of refuse to acknowledge the end...i sort of refuse to acknowledge the last seven or so months, give or take, because they seemed so uncharacteristic of our friendship...
they were uncharacteristic of our friendship...
because the Us i remember was the Us that planned on buying a winnebago and traveling the desert, went to texas on a whim, wore boxers with leggings to walmart and bought "bra hats"....
all that bitterness, anger and resentment....that wasn't Us.

i look back to certain things...wondering, will we really never go nuts over the christmas section at stores again? will will really never share another rockstar while dancing to britney? will we really not just have crazy talks again?

will our kids really not know each other?

i know the answer...more and more as the days go by...

and so with that known, i'm moving on.

but i'll always be your friend.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


i've been so sick i'm practically bedridden the last few days. this is one of those times i want to say, "oh rly?" to everyone who doubts that my ibs is remotely annoying to live with.
honestly, i don't know what's going on, we don't have insurance and i'm stuck out here in Hell....i'm pretty scared right now. i just want to be okay....but i'm putting off going to the doctor as long as possible.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

why it matters

so...i have no idea what the video is or who made it. it was the only copy of the song i could find on youtube. i just wanted to post the song, so ignore or watch the video whatever....just listen to the song :)

i absolutely adore sara groves. i love her unique voice and her music is so uplifting and beautiful, i can always put it on and instantly better my mood :)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

garden walls

this is one of the most amazing songs by Mindy Gledhill, in my humble opinion. i've posted the lyrics below too because they're so incredible and all i can really think about right now. this song epitomizes everything i'm feeling at the moment and have been thinking about all day.

The lights within Jerusalem are gone
But there is One who will not sleep at all
He will call up on the powers of Heaven
Deep within a gardens walls

A voice breaks through the silence in the night
And branches shake to hear a grown man cry
Oh, He cries and feels the sting of death inside
But He wont ask why

Through the years and cross the deep blue sea
(Comes this mystery)
Why would the King of Heaven and earth
Bow down to free me?

Footsteps in the sand are drawing nigh
And Raging voices echo in the sky
Angry eyes cant see that the man they send to die
Offers life

Through the years and cross the deep blue sea
(Comes this mystery)
Why would the King of Heaven and earth
Bow down to free me?
Two thousand years and cross the deep blue sea
(Wondrous mystery)
The King of All Creation came to free me (free me)

The lights within this city now are gone
But there is one who cannot sleep at all
I will answer to the voice that ever calls
From those garden walls


well well... aren't i just a mass of contradictions?

Thursday, May 13, 2010


sometimes, i just want so desperately for someone to take over my life for me for awhile.
tell me what to do every second of the day. what to eat.
maybe even how to feel.
no...that would come naturally with the rest.

rehab. from myself.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

i feel....


absolutely and truly free. i'm done beating myself up. i'm taking control, and it's a great feeling.

i don't know what more to say, but i can't stop smiling.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


so long


auf wiedersehen