what the hellllll

sometimes you really do have to wonder.....





what the HELL





some people.....seriously.




off to eat a sponge,


me

I LIVE!

i finally had my dreaded colonoscopy this morning! found out that i have colitis, and that a six-week med course will have me feeling good as new again :) so far, so good! i like, bawled after i woke up and heard the good news. i've felt like death for months now, and even the nurses all thought i looked like the walking dead lol.....i'm so happy to be on the path to recovery!

the future....

i realized tonight that i am really, truly, genuinely excited about what the future holds for me....


although in many ways i have been happier than ever as of late, my health has concerned me. i just spent the weekend being exceptionally sick after testing if gluten-free was a must for me.


well, i learned that it definitely is. i have been so sick, that my positivity has once again taken a hit. tonight, i had my dad give me a blessing. it was so hopeful and positive, that i truly found myself feeling that although right now some things aren't easy, and though i may be in a lot of pain, it is not permanent. my life is going to continue and i will get these health issues fixed. i'm no longer too scared or weak to do what's necessary, because i know in the long run it's worth it. and i have faith that i'll be alright, no matter how scary my diagnosis sounds or is.

i know the Lord has a plan for me, and my blessing tonight reminded me that i have work to do on this earth. not only that, but i am meant to have joy like everybody else. i have learned the last few months that joy and suffering can be experienced at the same time. i have been truly joyful regardless of my health challenges and marriage ending.

the future holds wonderful things for me, of that i am sure. tonight i was reminded that i WILL get past these health problems and will live a normal life. until then, i will continue to bear with all the patience that i can, and lean on the Lord. He truly is the Light and the way, and i am so glad i have the priesthood in my life. i have hope and joy for the future, knowing that it holds wonderful things for me. i don't know when i'll get married again, or anything like that, but i know that i will someday and i will have the joy that marriage is meant to be. and until then, i'm loving living life as me- as a good person.

it gets better!

so, that last post was sad. and depressing. and all of that.....



but i picked myself up after writing it, started breaking some "sick" habits and thought patterns, and i'm already doing muuuuuch better.....


we had an easter egg hunt at school today. it was so cute, and it was funny watching a couple of the kids just going around grabbing every egg they could see instead of just the ones with their names on them. i really don't want summer break on days like this....


i'm loving this weather, and i don't even mind all the rain because everything is so green and beautiful. i can't wait to get in better shape so i can hike and camp and all of that. i've made sure to run extra errands at work, and walk as much as i can the last couple of days. it's a slow start, but slowly is surely :)


thanks for any prayers/good vibes/positive thoughts sent my way. they've already helped more than anyone can know :)

ugh,

i'm sitting here, after having called in sick to work, really trying to be positive.


let me say this first: i love my job. i know i was meant to get this job. it has changed me in ways that i would never have imagined. i love the kids i work with like they're my family.


but that's also why i'm struggling right now.....
i feel i was meant to have this job, yet i had to call in sick today. i don't have the strength to chase after a kid when they run, or block them from trying to sneak out the door, etc. the last few days of work have been a huge challenge and i'm so tired by the end that all i want to do is come home and sleep.


i have a month left until school is out for the summer, and i'm worried i won't make it one more month. i made the decision today that i cannot put off the colonoscopy any longer. with the amount i've had to call in sick, i might as well have taken the time off to get it done. i really just want to know 100% what is going on, and i can't wait another month till school ends.
it's just unfair to my boss and coworkers that i can't do some of the things i was hired to do because i'm too weak. all the same, i want nothing more than to keep this job. i've been anxious for summer break so i can get well, and return full-strength in the fall.


i need to start exercising little bits at a time to get my strength back. i've got to break this "sick" mental pattern. please pray for me. it's going to be hard to do, i will need all the help i can get.

i need people to believe in me :)

letting go

today, for the first time since derek and i separated back in february, i looked at some of my wedding pictures/bridals.



it seems like lifetimes ago that he proposed to me. in reality, it was nearly exactly three years ago, in the spring of 2008. the engagement period flew by.

now, looking at those pictures....i see a kid in a wedding dress. i look so, so young....and so does derek. i see us happy in those pictures, but i can't remember very well when we both actually FELT that way.
i look at our faces.....we were happy once. we loved each other. but we weren't right for each other, and we both know it now.



he and i ran some errands yesterday, and he looked so happy. i told him so. he said i looked happy too. we were both smiling, glad to see each other happy again. i'll be stoked when he finds the woman that will be the one to make him happy for eternity. there's no bitterness there at all.


overall, i'm just grateful that we've both been able to let go. there was pain for us both, but it's a distant memory. we checked out awhile ago, and the only baggage we have left is what's sitting in our apartment, waiting to be cleaned out.


i'm glad we can let go, that we can be friends truly because we care about each other, we just didn't know how to make each other happy. and i'm glad that we both have another chance to find the person who will make us happy eventually, whenever that is. i'm amazed at the pain i have been able to avoid- i know what we're doing is right. the Lord is with me, and i have complete confidence that my life is going exactly where it's meant to.

spring break, harry potter and gluten free :)

so, the title sums it up. i don't need to write anything else. kthxbye.





jk.

i've been having my spring break this week, and it's been a welcome break from needing to be at work at eight o clock am each day. i've been sleeping in (sleeping in for me now is like, eight thirty hahaha) and resting up. i've also been giving eating gluten-free a try, and cross your fingers! it's really seeming to help. it's been the perfect week to test it.


this week is also supposed to be the week i move all of my stuff back to my parent's house....i can't WAIT to get that finished! i'll be sharing a room with my little brother, but he doesn't mind :) and neither do i. i'll just be glad to have all of my stuff home with me finally! i've been living off of a pile on jenn's floor for the last few months. it's really shown me how little i need lol. when i think about all of the clothing i'll be moving i kinda shudder :P


i've also been reading all of the harry potter books over and over. not even kidding. i love those books so much! it's weird, because after reading them all back-to-back i've really come to decide that i don't think the movies do them justice at all. sad, i know. i feel like daniel radcliffe was miscast, he misses so many of the nuances of harry's character.....it's not really his fault though considering he was cast in the movies as a kid, and cast pretty much by his looks alone. all the same, i do enjoy the movies. i've just realized i really enjoy them as a whole separate animal. there are so many characters in the books that you care about so much, that are barely touched in the movies.....i could go on all day about this, but i'm not going to lol.


anyway so it's been a nice and restful spring break thus far. i do miss my kids, though, and often find my mind wandering to them and wondering what they're doing over their break :)

conference weekend

is the BEST.
end of story.





my life is awesome.