Sunday, July 22, 2012

living beneath the Radar

here goes one of those seriously awkward way-too-open blogs. what about, you ask? why, my weirdo self-image. sit down. make some tea.

here it is. i have this fear. that nobody i'm interested in will EVER be interested in me. because i swear....nobody is. ever. it's a miracle i ever got married in the first place.
(HERE is where you add in a pun/joke about how that didn't last. i couldn't think of any good ones)

back to business;

i'm also afraid i'll never be interested in somebody ELSE for longer than say...a week. i've always had a problem with that. but it's worse now. (i've been diagnosed with adult add so maybe i have...birds and bees add too? ha)

i've had this slight....inclination toward someone for awhile. and it just doesn't matter...because i am like that ultra unnoticeable girl. or maybe i radiate vibes of scariness. who knows. all i want is something simple. an association. to know that not every association i have, will be like what i had with my ex. to know that maybe somebody thinks i'm awesome, who i think is awesome too. nothing has to come of it. i'm a Stage Four LONER. but i just need to know....

yep...hey, i'm a woman. men notice me. men that i notice back.

because's like my whole world exists beneath The Radar here.

the end.

Monday, July 16, 2012

that whole thing where you beat yourself up...

i have been aware for quite some time, that i am a person who never forgives myself for anything.
well, let me amend: i never forgive myself for anything, until i feel i have "made up for it" somehow, or suffered enough for it...if that's even logical.

funny enough, i am pretty quick to forgive other people. i wasn't always; i used to hold a grudge like nobody's business and (for some reason) was very proud of it. i could hold onto something somebody said or did to me years ago until the world ended...was this some great quality or virtue? no. what a weakness. nonetheless, it was something i did.

then over the last few years, things changed. see, along with holding a mean grudge i also used to be very judgey mcjudgerson about people. i made fun of people for being fat, for being too skinny, for acne, for getting married young, for getting divorced. i was the first to believe a rumor about somebody being a "skank" or stuck-up, and i never apologized for any of it. there was a part of me that always felt bad, but it was easy to suppress. being that way was easy- i never had to feel bad for anyone or care too much about anybody because i'd just let myself focus on their perceived "flaws" enough to think that they must have "deserved something" somehow.

i know, i sound like the devil. bear with me. the story changes.

like i said, over the last few years things have changed. for one thing, i noticed that nearly EVERYTHING i'd ever made fun of somebody else for seemed to be happening to me. i got married young. it was an unhappy marriage. i gained a bunch of weight. my marriage ended. in the middle of all of this, pretty much everything i thought i was and everything i'd built "myself" upon crumbled. when the dust settled, i no longer had my looks, my husband, the sarcastic and cynical wall that had protected me had disintegrated and there i a burn victim with fresh new skin...i had a life- a whole person to rebuild.

and it hurt.

around this time i began working with the kids at foothill and got sick, and the rest is history. or at least, i've written about it so much that most people probably aren't even reading anymore and are thinking "seriously, you're sick, we get it. move on!" but here's the thing: the way this all played out was integral to what my life is now. certain things would never have fallen into place without the things that fell before them. working at the school at such a vulnerable time reminded me that i WASN'T all of those things i'd thought i'd lost over the last few years- i was more. and the love i had for the kids i worked with reminded me how much better and truly easier it was, just to love was so beautiful, how easily it came to me to love those children like they were my family. life was so much fuller and richer that way.

also, after going through all of the things i'd so easily criticized others wasn't so easy to judge anymore. in fact, i pretty much STOPPED judging, period. i thought about the battles we each fight every day and how every person had them- what did i know, to scoff or judge or criticize? i had a couple of experiences that i felt were somewhat unjust on the part of the other person in the situation, and realized- they don't know everything about me. they don't know what i'm going through. more than likely, they would have felt differently if they did. and so the impulse to judge others so readily was washed out of me pretty quickly.

but that wasn't the end.

unfortunately, things don't disappear. a person who tends to be hard on others, usually takes awhile to truly get rid of whatever it is inside of them that spurs that on. a lot of it disappeared, yes. but much of it has turned inward. i have realized that for the last few years in one way or another, i have tried to absolve every perceived wrongdoing on my part. anything i've done or said that i've felt bad about, i've turned inward and in effect, tried to "pay for". and that's just not how the world works. i'm certain that this thought process has something to do with this illness that i just can't seem to get under control. i'm also certain that it's something i HAVE to let go of, as part of my personal journey.

i can't needlessly criticize and effectively punish myself, any more than i can anyone else. the measure of understanding i try to extend to others is something i should also extend to myself. who am i, to take all of my imperfections on solely on my shoulders?

i am only human.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

that thing called waiting....

today i had a conversation that got me started thinking about the concept of waiting. i know you're probably like, "wtf is she on about" but keep reading the wordvomit and it will all make sense. maybe ;)

i work with kids who have autism. my little sister (who is one of my best friends and someone i spent much of my time with) has autism. if you were to ask ANYONE who has a family member or works with autistic kids they would tell you: with autism, there is no waiting. at least, not by choice! autistic kids don't think of the concept the same way we do. they don't understand it the same way we do. going strictly from experience i can tell you, when my little sister "waits" for something or is told she must wait even now at seventeen- she is NOT thrilled to be doing so. she's not seeing the whole situation the way that i am. and that's fine, her brain is wired differently than mine is!

but what about for those of us who DO understand waiting, but just don't want to? maybe you just want everything now because you're used to getting everything so fast. maybe you don't want to wait because you  have the entitled viewpoint of "why should i". regardless of WHY we don't want to wait for things, sometimes it's important that we do! sometimes we won't value something the way we ought to unless we wait for it. sometimes we aren't ready for something and so waiting is the best option.

and sometimes, we just flat-out need to learn discipline and have hard experiences to do so. sucks, right? no. i have been "waiting" to get better from my UC for over a year now. not waiting as in sitting and doing nothing, hoping i get better. waiting as in fighting for SOMETHING to work and waiting to see what finally does. but i have learned SO MUCH this past year and a half "waiting" to get better. in a way i ended up waiting to get a job i really wanted because i honestly wasn't well enough to take it at first, and now that i have it i am so SO happy there and wouldn't trade it for anything. if i hadn't had to wait for this job, would i appreciate it as much? i doubt it.

i just think it's sad...we're so obsessed with fast and quick and instant everything these days...the value of waiting for something is left in the dust. right now i'm reading east of eden and i cannot believe the things people had to endure and have patience with in their everyday LIVES at one point! would some of us these days even survive, heaven forbid not getting everything we wanted RIGHT when we want it?

interesting to ponder. and here's a really great quote from one of my favorite musicians. sometimes musicians are really wacked-out or drugged up but this guy has a point so bear with me and read it ;)

 "In an age that's fast like this, how do you fall in love with somebody? How do you become a master painter? Who sacrifices the time and effort to wait? But I love facing insurmountable odds, because someone's gotta make it. It's like being in the Civil War where they just stand in front of each other. You run at a line of people and they are dropping on your left and right. You can get down on the ground and cry or turn around. Or, you keep going. Someone has to make it. Why shouldn't it be you?"
 -Joshua Homme

he's right :)

Friday, July 6, 2012

hard to please, or....

i started thinking about this....after an interesting conversation a few days back....
how much seriously goes into attraction.

what i mean is, there are people that are found universally attractive...celebrities and public figures, whatever. and that's all good and well. but there's so much more to it when it's REAL LIFE.

for instance, i've come to understand that for me, personally...looks only get someone so far.

i mean, if i find a guy attractive and he ends up being the world's biggest douche, or completely lacking in the depth department, or has a flat/boring literally KILLS the physical aspect for me. he could be an adonis and if he can't keep me interested with who he IS, his sense of humor, his literally doesn't matter what he looks like.
 truly, the effect someone's looks will have on me only lasts so long before i'm disenchanted.
chock it up to my ridiculous attention span...i get bored so fast if a guy has NOTHING to back up his looks. my being actually attracted to someone is a build-up of so many different things...and the physical aspect is small in comparison to his wit, his interests, his passions and drive.

it could just be that i'm hard to please.