Wednesday, January 30, 2013

my fitness dreams are ZOMG-ified!

right now, i'm totally in a "fitness envy" mindset. seriously. i cannot WAIT to be all done with surgeries and cleared for yoga and other workouts again...i am stoked to work my butt off to be strong and healthy and look awesome. no more being boney or skinnyfat ;) i have all the motivation in the world to make my lifestyle ridiculously active. it's going to be amazing!!!! i'm going to learn to cook this spring/summer too...cook up healthy eatz to have with my fancy fresh-squeezed juices (i have a BEAST of a juicer, babez.) also....jiu jitsu with george!! i can't wait for it all to begin! i'm so impatient...i'm going to ask my surgeon if i can do yoga the next three weeks until my surgery. cross your fingers that he says i can!!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

this is happening...

this is real for me right now, unfortunately. any help is SO appreciated.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

did i mention i love my job?

i am a very blessed and happy girl! i was able to go to work today, to sub, and i'm subbing again tomorrow. i could not BELIEVE how much i had missed my job, the people i work with and of course, the kids. just walking in there today for the first time in two months was like...crazy joyful haha. it's awesome to work somewhere where i feel like i'm truly among friends. my coworkers are amazing people and i like them all :)

and of course, the!! one of the boys i worked with today, i just kept hugging him over and over. it was just so good to be there, doing what i love! and i am GOOD at it! it's almost like i forgot how well i connect with children with autism. i speak their language ;) i LOVE having a job that i feel i am good at and am a valuable employee. and honestly in this kind of work, you never feel like "just" an employee. it's truly so much more.
unfortunately due to the holidays and my impromptu hospital stay last week, this will be the only week i get for work for another several weeks or so because i have my next surgery on tuesday. i hope the recovery is as quick as this first one so that i can get back to subbing ASAP. and then when it's all over....working a full-time shift again! until then, i am so SO grateful i was able to go in today and get to go again tomorrow! it's crazy, but i was SO sick the last while before i went "on leave" for my first surgery, that i honestly could barely manage my half-day shift. today, i was able to just keep playing and doing everything i needed for the kids without feeling tired at all or having to worry about running out of the room ;) haha
i have never worked with kids while being anything but really sick, and i thought i realized how much less energy i had before but i was wrong. i was pretty much the energizer bunny today and it was awesome haha! i am just SO GLAD it will all be uphill from here in regards to that and i am so grateful and will always be grateful that i was blessed with THIS job. at THIS school, with these kids and coworkers. i truly could not ask for anything better or anything more.

Monday, January 21, 2013

here's a thought:

it's taken me a long time to become someone i like.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

the refiner's fire

well, after another whirlwind visit to the hospital and one of the most painful weekends i've ever endured..i'm home.

i can't explain, but even though these things i've been going through are really tough and even hell sometimes...each time i survive something else, i feel like one more piece is being added to my armor. that armor that will help me to face the world and life without fear and with grace.

so it might not sound so absurd when i say that even though this was one of the worst weekends of my life physically...i am okay that it happened, and even glad.

just a particularly hot blitz of the refiner's fire.

stuck at lds hospital....

andddd right in time to throw myself for a loop again......i'm feeling pretty alone tonight in a hospital forty miles from home. third night here and i just want to go home. i've had to turn down three sub jobs at my school...i just want to get back to work! grrr.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

to love another person is to see the face of God.

i know myself so well at this point. so, so well that it shocks me everytime i manage somehow to throw myself for a loop.

i am solitary, introverted and very independent in many ways. and i've always been this way, except for the Lost Years as i call them ;) when i was married, and overly dependent on both my ex AND my best friend. the two of them made a wonderful pair of crutches, to the point that i wasn't sure that i could function without them.

well, life has plans for all of us. life's plans for me included not only grabbing my crutches and running away with them, but yanking out the rug of security right out from under me. my illness played a huge role in life's plans.

but i'm glad.

like i said, i know myself pretty well. but i can still surprise myself at times. i know, for instance, that who i really am is the person i was leading up to, and after, the Lost Years. the person i was during that time was the phoenix bursting into flame, and the subsequent naked and vulnerable baby bird that made its way from the large and smothering ash pile that was my life.

i didn't know that, at the time. i was worried this new needy and insecure and MISERABLE thing was who i truly was now that i'd "grown" up. i thought it was who i was going to be the rest of my life.

but i was thrown for a loop, and thank God that i was.

the truth is, once it all settled from having the rug yanked from under me and my crutches taken away...i began be reborn. it was painful at times, took losing people i loved from my own doing, and illness that i had no control over, that almost killed me, to realize...that i was NOT that vulnerable and weak thing anymore. i was the full-grown phoenix again, and stronger and more beautiful than ever.

i no longer needed crutches. i was no longer afraid to be on my own. i learned to love it again, the way i had for years. i learned that i could do much more by myself than i'd ever have imagined.

i also realized that while i am happy alone, and love solitude and the peace and strength it gives me...

that i want to love again. a man, at some point. but not only that...friends. i knew i that i wanted and needed friends again. and that i am no longer someone so broken and miserable that i wasn't fit to BE a friend for quite awhile.
now, i know i have something to offer people. things i WANT to offer people. and that i'm no longer afraid that the minute i have support around me again in the form of friends and boyfriends...the support will NEVER become a crutch for me again.

so i hope it is, that i can expand my life by letting more people in. and that i can be the kind of friend/girlfriend/whatever, that touches each life i meet for good.

it was a quote from les miserables that got me thinking, and i'll end this post with it, because it sums up so much about why we need people to care about and pray for in our lives...

"to love another person is to see the face of God."

i completely agree.

oh you should have mentioned it!

my life lately is the following:

watching and obsessing over downton abbey (thomas is evil!)

reading. tons.

getting ready for my next surgery in three weeks.

hanging out with an old new friend :D

the end.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

i need a miracle

the prospect of not being able to have the next two surgeries due to financial stuff, is literally horrifying to me. i would never have agreed to surgery in the first place if i thought having this bag was going to be permanent. i would have taken my chances. i feel sick inside about all of this. i feel helpless.

i need a loan.
or a miracle.