i know myself so well at this point. so, so well that it shocks me everytime i manage somehow to throw myself for a loop.
i am solitary, introverted and very independent in many ways. and i've always been this way, except for the Lost Years as i call them ;) when i was married, and overly dependent on both my ex AND my best friend. the two of them made a wonderful pair of crutches, to the point that i wasn't sure that i could function without them.
well, life has plans for all of us. life's plans for me included not only grabbing my crutches and running away with them, but yanking out the rug of security right out from under me. my illness played a huge role in life's plans.
but i'm glad.
like i said, i know myself pretty well. but i can still surprise myself at times. i know, for instance, that who i really am is the person i was leading up to, and after, the Lost Years. the person i was during that time was the phoenix bursting into flame, and the subsequent naked and vulnerable baby bird that made its way from the large and smothering ash pile that was my life.
i didn't know that, at the time. i was worried this new needy and insecure and MISERABLE thing was who i truly was now that i'd "grown" up. i thought it was who i was going to be the rest of my life.
but i was thrown for a loop, and thank God that i was.
the truth is, once it all settled from having the rug yanked from under me and my crutches taken away...i began be reborn. it was painful at times, scary...it took losing people i loved from my own doing, and illness that i had no control over, that almost killed me, to realize...that i was NOT that vulnerable and weak thing anymore. i was the full-grown phoenix again, and stronger and more beautiful than ever.
i no longer needed crutches. i was no longer afraid to be on my own. i learned to love it again, the way i had for years. i learned that i could do much more by myself than i'd ever have imagined.
i also realized that while i am happy alone, and love solitude and the peace and strength it gives me...
that i want to love again. a man, at some point. but not only that...friends. i knew i that i wanted and needed friends again. and that i am no longer someone so broken and miserable that i wasn't fit to BE a friend for quite awhile.
now, i know i have something to offer people. things i WANT to offer people. and that i'm no longer afraid that the minute i have support around me again in the form of friends and boyfriends...the support will NEVER become a crutch for me again.
so i hope it is, that i can expand my life by letting more people in. and that i can be the kind of friend/girlfriend/whatever, that touches each life i meet for good.
it was a quote from les miserables that got me thinking, and i'll end this post with it, because it sums up so much about why we need people to care about and pray for in our lives...
"to love another person is to see the face of God."
i completely agree.