Saturday, November 5, 2011

what will i be?

not what am i, because that's a question i already know the answer to

what will i be?

for the first time in a few years, it seems to me that the sky is the limit. i know what and who i am, and so i know that what i'll be one day, years down the road, is something fantastic.

the world is my oyster. nothing stands in my way. i'm not a person (any longer) who lives on excuses, borrowed time or borrowed convictions.

i know who i am.
so i know that what i'll be is


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

ah man

why are my flirting capabilities as lacking and immature as those of a nineteen-year-old's?

oh wait.

i'm dooooomed.

Friday, October 28, 2011

life is....

absolutely wonderful right now.

i'm feeling so dagny taggart- which yaknow what? is kickass.

that's all.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

when nostalgia is a bitch...

so here it is, three thirty-five in the morning. i've been playing wow tonight and IMing my friend alyssa. we started discussing nostalgia, which i like to phrase it i "acutely suffer from".

now, nostalgia is certainly not a bad thing. it can even be good, or pleasant. but my problem is that the level of nostalgia i feel at times can make me unhappy or hinder my current progress in life. before i know it, a happy time has passed and i am looking back on it, reminiscing, wondering when life will be that good again and why i'm not quite as happy as i was then.

well, i'm saying on this blog that it's absurd. lately i've been bit by the nostalgia bug for the first time since i got sick last december. honestly, when i was practically dying i just didn't have the time to think about anything but work, family, having energy and keeping food down. i'd spent the last two and a half years prior to being sick longing for a better time. once i got sick, i was free from that because it wasn't a necessity.

well, with the season changing i have been bit by the nostalgia bug again and let me just say; it's a bitch. i keep thinking back to the springtime, when i had just had my blood transfusion and was fresh from my job at foothill. i was full of optimism, never-ending patience from my illness, and in the best place spiritually i'd been in years. everything was amazing because after months of being barely alive, i noticed every amazing detail about life.

i proceeded to have an awesome spring and summer, despite still being very ill. then, a few weeks ago, the air began to change. i sensed it like a dog or something, seriously. i knew fall was upon me- which i don't mind. but fall leads to winter.

and the nostalgia hit.

suddenly i was thinking about spring, and how great it had been anticipating the summer after a cold, sick winter. i was thinking about how it had felt to first feel alive again, about the nights i was an insomniac due to prednisone and how i hadn't minded because i'd spent the nights chatting with alyssa over IM and playing cheesy games. i thought about how i read the great gatsby at least twenty times in a few weeks, and amused myself watching the horrible 70's movie adaptation. i thought about the good times i'd spent with family and all the beauty of nature in the spring.

then i realized something: one of the reasons i was so happy then was because i was 100% focused on living life in the moment and not looking back on any "better" time. i felt good again for the first time in so long and was enjoying every bit of life.
and you know what? my illness has taken a HUGE turn for the better lately. without going into a ton of detail, i have felt more normal lately than i have in MONTHS. i LOVE my job. i love my family. i love the fall weather. so what if winter is coming? everything else in my life rocks. i am getting better, and i can finally start actually have a social life again and all of that.

so i decided....nostalgia isn't going to be a bitch for me anymore. i am happy now. just as happy as i was in the spring. life is great and i'm going to make the most of it. it's fine to look back at happy times, so long as you don't lose yourself in them enough that you don't have the time to make NOW incredible.

i was lucky to get sick in the way that i had an entirely new view of life when i started feeling better again. instead of looking back on that, i need to keep it with me always. after all, men are that they might have joy :)

oh and how can you NOT enjoy the upcoming holiday season?! plus i've got wookie life day with the taylors to look forward to now as well. ftw.

Monday, October 3, 2011

passage of time...

time passes so quickly, i am amazed.
i was standing outside on the deck today, looking at the mountains. the first reds and oranges of the changing leaves are visible. the rest will follow quickly.
autumn never lasts long in utah.
spring doesn't either. and that's what was so weird standing on the deck today....i swear it was yesterday i was standing there and the mountains were lush and green, the trees covered in blossoms. spring and summer flew by so fast. i cannot believe that autumn is upon us, and soon winter will be also. almost a year has gone by since i first got sick with this illness. almost a year since i started working at foothill and discovered how much i love working with autistic children.
life doesn't take its time. we really do have to seize the day (newsies style hehe) or the day freaking seizes us. i feel like i've just been dropped out of a time tornado- i can't believe the months have sped by like they have.
conference in a way magnifies this feeling because it makes me more aware of a six month mark.
yesterday i was thinking a lot about last conference in april and where i was then as opposed to where i am now. i realized that i'm not as happy now as i was then. i was as sick as a dog in april, but i was closest to the happiest i've ever been in my life. i'm still happy now- but my patience with my illness waxes and wanes and right now it's waning. plus i have debilitating back pain that's really getting in the way of my job and life in general. i spent half of friday at the emergency room because of some complications with my uc.
all that said, who cares? my physical state shouldn't determine my happiness. i mean yeah, i need help with my back pain because it's distracting at best but still...i decided sunday to be my happiest anyway and had a great day that started with conference and ended with dancing under the stars with jenn, tyson and ryder. it was awesome.
i'm ready for the season change, even if it snuck up on me ;) the cold front this week will give me a chance to wear my awesome pirate boots and pirate coat, among other things. i'm stoked for hot chocolate and cider and all manner of festive fun things :) before i know it, it will be spring. but i intend to make every single day count.

Monday, September 26, 2011


it's coming up this weekend and i am seriously so jazzed!
with my family, it's like a holiday. we make lots of special food and do fun things while listening. my siblings and i used to build makeshift tents to sit in while listening, because for some reason listening in a tent was just more fun.

i may have to make a tent again this year.

i'm stoked for german pancakes, coloring books (don't judge heh:P) and a bunch of other super fun stuff, including lots of family time.

not to mention how much i love conference itself- twice a year is perfect because by the time six months have gone by, i am in need of another uplifting session as a sort of refuge from daily life.

ah, i'm smiling in joy as i type. i can't wait!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

wow, okay

whew. so i had....the weirdest weekend.
some not good stuff happened....but then, it ended up leading to things that ARE in the end, it was all okay.

still, it wasn't easy. but is anything ever?

i'm really coming to understand that i need to stop being so hard on myself. one bad weekend does not undo months worth of progress. the rational me knows this....but the irrational me tries to get in the way.

ps...started reading atlas shrugged. words cannot explain my love for this book, and i'm only two-hundred something pages into it.

Friday, September 16, 2011


do you ever feel like despite doing everything you feel you should in life, you're still an ugly person underneath it all?

i didn't think so, until something recently where i reacted in such a horrible way that it seemed to make any progress i've made as a person null and void. it's as if the ugly, bitchy, horrible rachel is always just an inch beneath the surface, waiting to break out at any time. how can i feel like any kind of good person when that side of me will come out with so little provocation?

i can't. that's just it.

Friday, September 9, 2011

this time last year....

there were some things that were the same....

but most everything is different.

i am not with derek any longer. i have a job i absolutely love. i'm not obsessed with weight loss and planning my entire life around it anymore. i'm no longer riddled by phobias.

having a job and the routine that it adds to my day, not to mention the sense of self-worth it gives- especially the nature of the work i has changed my life so much. i'm reading some great books that have really helped my outlook and my tendency to worry. i really know who i am and LOVE who i am. last year, i felt honestly like "who i was" changed weekly, depending on so many things. but who i am now is solid and rooted and not going anywhere. i can be proud of who i am, the work i do, and my daily conduct. i don't do things that i'm later ashamed of. it's really wonderful.

i'm excited for fall, to wear all of the clothes i was too self-conscious to wear last year. to do lots of fun festive and seasonal stuff. i've been eating really, really healthy lately and have taken up juicing and it's been hugely beneficial for my energy levels and overall health. i'm looking forward to enjoying the upcoming holiday season feeling a lot better than i did last year.

now i'm off to read outlander :D fall=outlander. if you've read it, you get what i mean!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

waiting for the seasons

i used to be obsessed with the season changing.
in the summer, all i wanted was fall and winter. in the winter, all i wanted was summer and spring.
"i'll be happy when..." "it'll be easier when it's not so..." "i'm not doing this because of blank weather...." were all common to hear from me.


summer is ending, and although i'm excited for fall i'm actually sad to see it go! i've learned how to be happy no matter the season, and that's really awesome to me.

i know, i probably sound crazy. i kinda was ;) don't hate.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

all i need....

okay so to start, i am slightly obsessed with awolnation as of late. i know, totally random thrown in with my doors/led zepp/jimi hendrix thingy i've been on.....but they're great!

this song pretty much sums up my vibe tonight:

i realized tonight (and okay, maybe i've known this for awhile but didn't want to admit it) that i want to get well...but i don't want to have to make the effort.
after a particularly painful past few days, not borne near as well as they should have been i might add....i had an appointment with my gi today in which he wrote me a script for one of the Big Scary Meds.

as i left his office, i was between crying every couple of minutes and trying to feel relieved. well, i wanted my illness gone? here was one way. right in my hand.
but with my illness was likely to go my hair, my immune system and a host of other things i'm not fond of parting with.

why are you crying? i thought to myself. this is what you've wanted. an easy solution!
but i knew it wouldn't really be easy. my gi gave me pages of literature to read about the medication, and i spoke with the pharmacist at length about my concerns. when he told me he discouraged his wife from taking it, i sort of crumbled inside.

this wasn't what i really wanted. my mind flashed back to the Crazy Hard Diet that i'd read and prayed so much about, and i felt kind of guilty. i hadn't even given it a try, because it was going to be hard. and time-consuming. and probably really sucky at first. but i've always felt like i needed to try it. i've had so many blessings that have led me to feel that way as well. and here i was holding this death script in my hand, about to fill it. ignoring all of that because i was....

lazy? unmotivated? just plain stupid?

maybe a bit of all three.

i realized as i went home and talked to the All-Wise Jenn ;) about it. i was rationalizing why i should just try the medication.
"well, what about your blessings?" she said. so reasonable, as always.
and yeah, my logic crumbled.

what about them? if i follow this diet and have success, i'll stop losing my hair. i won't waste away even more, and get weird acne, and have an increased risk for cancer or suddenly develop lymphoma or i dunno....have liver failure or a number of other scary things.
what i WILL do is spend a lot of time cooking. and not eat crappy foods that are bad for me. and probably feel really. damn. good.

plus, i'll look good. because everyone who eats this way says their bodies have never looked better, and i'll actually have the energy to work out.

my decision has been made. i never went and picked up the script.

i have been promised something- and i'm not going to take the other way because it involves less effort. that's absurd.
time to pull on my big-girl pants and get to work. i'll be thanking myself for this twenty years down the road.

and anyway, i've always wanted to learn how to cook ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

well, well, well....

oh i love it. i'm tired, but i had an iron IV today so hopefully the tiredness won't last.


i love my job already.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

you're not bigger than this, not better...why can't you learn?

it's so easy to drown in "poor me's" and "boohoo's" sometimes in life.
yesterday, i visited a doctor who shed more light on my current health situation than i had been aware of since my "diagnosis"
i learned that my health condition is much more serious than i'd been told before. i learned that drugs "akin to chemotherapy" might be necessary, and that getting an operation removing my colon was a "real possibility". and not in twenty years- soon. my illness is "severe". and i didn't know it was.

needless to say, i kind of lost my head.

here's where i get spiritual. if you don't want to read it, skip a little:

i've received a lot of blessings since i fell ill back in january. one of them said i would make a full recovery. another said my life would be lengthened by this.

but i don't know the means by which i'll reach that recovery and that point in my life. it may involve surgery. it may involve drugs that are akin to chemo. i just don't know.
last night, i got upset. i had a breakdown the likes of which i've never had before. i know that on some level, part of this is mental. and that was what the doctor was trying to get me to see. i have held onto things and punished myself for them for years. i have worried myself into greater illness. this is hard to explain, because it entails so much.

just know that i lost it. just for a bit.
but luckily, my family was there for me.
they held me like i was a child and let me cry, and let me be afraid, and counseled me.

and i listened.

i don't know where i go from here. i'm going to do everything i can to obtain the recovery i was told i'd have. and i'm going to try not to be scared of what i have to do to get there.

anything....prayers, well-wishes, good vibes...please send them my way. i'm a stronger person now than i was eight months ago, but i'm not sure i'm strong enough for what this may be-yet.

one thing the doctor told me was that there's two ways to say "i am" in spanish and only one way to say it in english. you can say, "i am tall" and you are. you will be tall tomorrow, and in five years unless your legs get cut off. then there's the way to say "i'm sick." as in, i'm sick right now. but i'm well.

i'm sick right now, but i'm well.
and i have to remember that.
this too shall pass.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


last night, with the help of my gram, i was filling out the necessary papers for my divorce from derek.
the papers asked for information. what day were we married. what city. our birthdates.
the word "spouse" was used many, many times.

it was weird. weird putting down the date of our wedding. i remember us going and getting our marriage license together. there's a sign in the office there that says, "no refunds, returns or exchanges". we'd laughed, because like anyone getting a marriage license, you think that sign is a really funny joke that will never apply to you.
i wasn't laughing last night.

don't get me wrong. i'm ready for this. i know it's the right thing for derek and i. i know it's the best path for us. but it's just strange to think that three years ago, we had just started our lives together.
and honestly, three years ago i'd already started having doubts. but i was too afraid to let myself think about them. i was afraid of what other people would think. i was afraid because we'd JUST gotten married. no one wants to be the girl that just got married and is already wondering if it was right or not.

it wasn't right.

only a few people read this blog. and that's fine. i don't write it for anyone but myself. but maybe somebody will come across it who needs it. if they do....i want you to realize....even the kindest, most civil divorce hurts.
you never think it's going to be you. no matter how good of friends you are with your spouse as it ends (as derek and i are) it still hurts. you signed up for dreams and hopes and a life together...and these papers are signing that away.
even though i'm ready for this, it made me sad anyway. i was young. i was foolish. both derek and i suffered unnecessary pain because we didn't think things through enough. don't let that be you. whoever you may (or may not) be.
when i got married, i didn't even know what marriage really was.

i do now, as i end mine.

don't let me, be you. i'm okay now, but i wasn't okay for a long time.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


i'm so thrilled today.
i just need to say- i love the gospel. i love priesthood blessings. i love callings. i'm so excited to start mine.
i'm also excited to start my new job. i start on monday.
i hope i can get some of this pain under control. i have a feeling everything is going to work out. the pain, like everything, has served a purpose.
life is beautiful

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


man i am just so stoked today.

not sure why. just needed to broadcast it hahaha

Monday, August 1, 2011

all i can say

i'm grateful to be reminded of what i left behind....a "me" that i don't recognize when i look at pictures. a "me" that i'll never be again.

i'm strong. i know who i am. and the last eight months haven't been wasted on me.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

what love is

i miss my kids. i miss them more every single day.

all i want right now is to go back and work with them again. i know if i get another classroom job, i will love those kids as well. but i want MY kids back. and it's hard to be powerless about it.

i try not to think about having that job again, because the pain and disappointment if/when it doesn't happen, will be so much. but still, i dream about it. i dream about being back at the school with them. sometimes i think about what it would be like to work there when i'm not, quite literally dying. i loved it so much during one of the hardest times in my life. i know i would love it fifty times more now.

i just hope.....i just pray....

Saturday, July 23, 2011

when the music's over

oh, life.

just when i think i know where you're going, you throw me for a mondo-loop.

it's weird how life gets easier and harder at the same time. certain things crumble while other things build. life can be standing still in some ways and racing along in others.

there is turmoil at home. i am getting used to this colitis, and trying to get the motivation to tackle it a little better. i feel like i'm not doing everything that i can, and it bugs me. i'm dying to get a job working with kids. my life had more meaning when i was doing that than it ever has before. i had an interview on thursday, and i've applied for a lot of them, all things in good time.

the turmoil at home makes being home difficult sometimes. i'm ready to get my divorce going so i can put this phase of life behind me. the part of me that is still in this marriage feels trapped, like i was meant to move on a long time ago. i'm fighting being impatient with circumstance.

i crave independence. and freedom. when i was sick, i grew so much. i want to keep growing. i don't want to have to be dying to do so.

i am happy. truly, i am. but everybody has Those Days, and this is one of them.

Friday, July 8, 2011


so, i know i'm barely in that picture but bekah looks really cute! i just wanted to blog about how absolutely awesome she is. we go on drives and listen to great music :) bekah LOVES music....she reacts to it the way that it makes you FEEL, but she shows her reaction rather than just feeling it inside. she has great music tastes too :P i won't take credit for all of it, but she's listened to some of my favorite bands with me and loves them all :) queens of the stone age, the doors, them crooked vultures....totally she really enjoyed led zeppelin.
we have lots of inside jokes, too. bekah always knows how to make me smile. and she knows how to tease me ;) but i know how to tease her, too hehe. we have a very similar sense of humor.
i'm glad i'm hanging out with her this week :)

Friday, June 17, 2011

one of those narcissistic, embarrassing, vain surveys....

yep. all about how cool i am....designed so that i can LOL at my own jokes....
and you're free to join me.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
a "fun-sized" butterfinger bar. would have been a lot more "fun" if it was big. jeez.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
in my bedroom. i was like, houseridden for months yo.

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
probably not really anymore. it's been eons and years.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
till about three-thirty am. tanya and i went to dennys and observed the she'eps in their natural habitat....we then went to walmart and spent an hour looking at cop sunglasses...then decided not to get them hahaha

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you and where?
i'm not sure. maybe california, because then i wouldn't have to worry about SAD.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
meh, i'm not sure

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you on your FB list?
well, all of my family....and derek and tanya.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends?
i sure hope so, since i'm doing that right now.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
nom nom

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
um...when i freaked out because of this medication i'm on making my hair fall out. i know, i know....vanity....

12. Who took your profile picture?
my computer, named Johann

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
probably myself because i'm so hot.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
the day part was meh, but then last night was Teh Epicness.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
oh yeah. i'm not a tv person.

16. Are you upset about anything?
i'm too stoked on life for such nonsense.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes. i've had excellent examples of "worth it" relationships in my day, i'm sure i'll know how that feels.

18. Are you a bad influence?
i was when i was psychotic. now, i'm a good influence :) and proud of it!

19. Night out or night in?
i've spent so many in that i'm thinking OUT

20. What items could you not go without during the day
water, my myriad of pills, and a bathroom. hey, i'm being honest.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
meh, i don't want to bother checking

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
uh oh...don't get me started. i LOVE my life right now. it's far from what would be considered "perfect" but who cares? life doesn't have to be perfect in order for me to be happy. i love everyone and everything. it's crazy.

24. Do you hate anyone?
nope. what a waste of energy

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
things that are so scandalous, you'd want to wash your eyes out with ralphie soap.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
oh jeeya

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
no...i don't think so....

28. What song is stuck in your head?
spanish caravan by the doors.

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my favorite escaped criminal so we can run away together.

30.Wanna have grandkids BEFORE you’re 50?
um....i have no idea.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
pay my rc willey bill

32. Do you think too much or too little?
lol...too much for sure. would anyone want to admit if they thought too little?

33. Do you smile a lot?
oh yeah.

34. How many hours a day do you spend on the computer?
i'm not sure...lately i've been writing a lot though

35. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be?
my alter ego

37. Chicken or Beef?

38. Mac or PC?

39. Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
before eating....

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
before eating.....

Monday, June 13, 2011

feeling young

stayed out late a couple of nights ago for the first time in months. it was EPIC.

i've been watching an anime called canaan lately, and i'm mad in love with it.

alphard (with the dark hair) is totally heartless and awesome.

i finished it tonight, which made me sad....but now onto the next! and i've been writing a bunch too! my story is damn good, just to let everyone know. be stoked. i am.

i love feeling young lately. you're probably thinking, "well, you are young."
yeah. but i've felt old for the last couple of years. and to top it off, my health problems are the kind that old people typically have. so there.

haha kbye.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


sometimes you miss someone, even though you know they don't miss you.

Monday, June 6, 2011

simple little things

sundays at my house are all about church, family, relaxing and food (hehe)

this sunday was no exception. church was wonderful, we ate bbq and had a delicious cake. i played outside with scout and stood out in the sun for about an hour just staring at the beauty of nature hahaha

it was truly lovely.

i really do love the simple little things about life.

being outside, talking to aaron till two in the morning. talking to alyssa till even later ;) waking up early (don't ask me how i do it hehe) hanging out with all of my family members, taking pictures of beautiful things, my dog scout, going on drives with bekah, going on walks every day, reading my scriptures and reading conference talks, appreciating music, reading the great gatsby/fawning over how hot Robert Redford is in the weirdo film adaptation.....i could go on and on.

i know, i'm waxing so cheesy here, but life is wonderful. and i think it had to really suck the last few years for me to realize that. i have suffered a lot, but my capacity for joy has expanded even more.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

i'm having a love affair....with summer

srsly, omg i know it's scandalous

this summer is going to be amazing. why? well, let's see:
it's the first summer in two years that i haven't been horribly depressed.
i get to nanny my little sister and take her swimming, to parks, hiking, whatever we want to do! it's going to be a totally outdoorsy, fit summer and i'm mad stoked.
i look really good so i'm not self-conscious in my summer clothes (hey, i can admit the truth)
i'm going to be visiting/getting visits from my dear friends in logan, and we always have so much fun!
i'll be working at the autistic summer school program. enough said! yay!!!
i'm on medication, etc for my colitis so i don't feel tired all the time (this was especially bad last summer)

and lots of other things i can't think of right now. all i know is, i'm so excited to spend the summer outside, and make new friends, and hang out with both of my sisters a bunch :D plus, working at the summer school will be a blast! i will probably make a decent amount of money this summer, and i'm going to go hiking a lot. it's my new hobby :D i can't wait to have bbq every night (my family is nuts about bbq) and go to the parades and strawberry days! i can't wait to have late weekend nights at dennys! there are a million bajillion things i am stoked for, and it's all starting now :)

summer....i love you

Friday, June 3, 2011

this is the end.

today was the last day of school.

i went to see my kids yesterday. i finally texted mrs. h and asked her if she'd mind if i visited. she didn't.
when i walked into the classroom, i was thisclose to bursting into tears, i was so happy to see everyone again. i wanted to hug all of the kids as long as i could- but autistic kids aren't always the biggest fans of hugging haha
except for one kid. he told me earlier in the year that he loved me, and i quote: "miss rachel, you're all i think about. i just love you." he came up and gave me a big hug, and then proceeded to sit as close to me as he could and told me tons of stories the rest of the time.
i talked to every kid, even though some of them don't say anything back. i had little "inside jokes" with a few of them that i grilled them on, just to make sure they remembered them ;)
one of the kids, who loved to tease me and was admittedly one of my favorites, if having favorites is even possible- went right back to teasing me. he kept looking at me and grinning. it was so cute.
one of the boys told me he'd missed me and he wished i'd come back. he told me i wasn't in their yearbook. "i wasn't here long enough," i said. he asked if i wanted to be in their yearbook. i teased him that yes, i did, because i didn't want them to forget me.

when i left yesterday, i was somewhere between tears of sadness and tears of joy. i was so happy to see my kids again, and sad that this might have been the last time.

today i went back in to get an end of the year dvd mrs. h made with pictures of all the kids throughout the year. i didn't get much time with the kids, school was almost out.
when i left with my dvd, i felt like it was one of the most treasured things anyone could possibly give me. all of the kids get one too, so while i'll never forget them, hopefully seeing me in the pictures will help them not to forget me.

i hope so much i can go back next year, to the same school. but if i can't, i'll find a job doing the same thing at another school. there will be other kids for me to work with, and other kids for me to love. but there's no such thing as replacements with people, i definitely know that's true.

good thing i have room in my heart for as many kids as i'm blessed to work with :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

i make myself lolersk8

i'm quite brilliant at times
but only when there's a full moon, or flooding in some part of the world
otherwise i'm kind of a dumbass

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

my subconscious is a fiend

i have the weirdest dreams.


a few weeks ago, i had a dream that all of the kids from my class were in. i got to hug them all, and hang out with them. but we were at a parade, and one of the kid's family was made up entirely of extremely overweight gypsies. yeah. weird. and no mystery why i had that dream, i miss my kids like crazy.

i also had a dream awhile ago like my "dad" who was actually some guy i've never seen before, and i were flying a plane through hell. but it looked like hellfire peninsula in WoW. no idea what it was, at some point we landed and then the plane was gone. lolersk8.

and then last night i had a dream like i was the MC in my current story, and that one of the other characters killed my MC's sister, and forced me to stay with him anyway. and he was really hot, which is the way i wrote him, but still....a guy kills your sister, you should never notice how hot he is. all the same, in my dream, i was all over that ;) i'm thinking this dream was my subconscious saying i'd better finish this story, or else....

hahaha man i love dreams. now if i could have a dream WITHIN a dream.....i'd be satisfied :D

Monday, May 30, 2011

personality chameleon......

have you ever known someone who's a personality chameleon?

you know, the kind of person whose personality changes all the time, especially based on who they're around and what's "cool" at the moment?

personality chameleons= FAIL

Sunday, May 29, 2011

breaking out of the sick bay

i think i've blogged enough about being sick. i was sick enough to never be sick again in my life and be okay with it ;) but like all things, the sickness has to have closure.

by closure i mean, i need to break out of the sick bay, as it were.
what do i mean by that? well, i'll tell you. have a cup of tea.

the last six months, i have been very ill and have thus developed daily habits in living according to how sick i was. example: for the first five months of the illness, i was working at the school so i went to bed at eight thirty every night so i could wake up at six thirty the next day and have a hope of having the needed energy to work.

i also pretty much ate whatever i could keep down, with little regard to what it actually was. as long as it stayed in my stomach and i wasn't ralphing it up at work two hours later. so it wasn't always the healthiest food even though the majority of it was decent.

also, i spent all of the time i wasn't working for five months in my room/in bed. this got old, and fast.

well, after my blood transfusion a month ago, some of the habits shifted. i was on a steroid because of inflammation, and the steroid made a complete insomniac out of me. so now i was awake till five am pretty much every night, and sleeping in till whenever i could. usually about ten at the earliest, and one at the latest. ew. ick. gross. i LOVE waking up early. this was very annoying to me.

secondly, i started feeling insatiably hungry (also a side effect of the steroid. DON'T take steroids unless you NEED to) and so i started eating whatever i wanted in huge, disgusting, massive amounts. don't believe me? one saturday at jcw's i ate the following: a half salad, a grilled cheese sandwich, an all-american burger, an order of hot wings and some fries. yeah. and i still didn't feel full. oddly enough, i haven't gained any weight but i've been eating truckloads. now that i'm off of the steroid, i haven't been eating as much but still have had the "i'll eat whatever" mentality that i carried the last six months.

lastly, i have been absolutely STIRCRAZY after all of the time spent in my room/bed. and without my job, i've been finding other ways of entertaining myself. this summer, i'll be bekah's buddy. i'll be spending all day taking her to movies, parks, the pool, whatever i feel like. it'll be fun, but it needs to feel like a job so this leads me to the point of this post:

breaking away from the sickbay= getting rid of these "sick" habits and behaving like a normal, healthy person again.

first and foremost, i am going to fix my sleeping patterns so i am going to bed around eleven and waking up at six. i am going to walk and lift weights, because now that i'm quite thin i'd really like to tone up. i'm also going to be eating super clean and working really hard to eliminate foods that trigger colitis flare-ups. i'm kinda nuts obsessed with taking care of myself after how sick i've been. it makes sense, i know lol.
i pretty much just need to break out of the few "sick" habits and mindsets i've had the last few months. it shouldn't be too hard, i've already started doing it. i'm so excited to be feeling healthy again. i can't wait to work out and just live each day super hard after being in "snooze" mode for months. it's exciting!!

i know this blog entry is kinda boring, and truthfully totally word-vomit style. i always have to write about stuff to get it all figured out and set in my mind, so forgive me if you actually read this whole thing and now want the five minutes of your life back ;)


Sunday, May 22, 2011

i want to be your daisy buchanan

what will it be like to fall in love again??

Friday, May 20, 2011


this week, derek and i finally moved all of our stuff out of our apartment. for the last few months while i've been sick, our stuff has sat there untouched. derek offered to move it, but i wanted to help, especially because we wanted to divide up our stuff that was still boxed and i had no idea what i wanted!
so we borrowed some bigger cars and went over with my little brother to help since i'm still really pathetically weak and have this cough to boot. we put on music, packed everything up and divided it. it was cathartic, and oddly fun. i sorted all of my clothes, and i couldn't believe how much i have! i'll never need to go shopping again lol. for the last couple of years i was overweight and hated all of my clothes on myself so i never wore them. now i have tons of barely-used stuff to wear. it's pretty awesome!

so now i have my stuff all in my room. thanks to my gram buying me a BEAUTIFUL chest of drawers, all of my clothes have a place. i have my new bedding, and need to set up my new bed frame. i cleaned up my room and unpacked right away, and it's MUCH nicer now not to be living in the insane clutter it was for a bit!

next weekend, derek and i are going up to logan to visit our good friends and i am so excited! we're going to spend friday and saturday up there. it's so great to have him as a friend. when we cleaned out our apartment, it reminded me once again that what we were doing was right. i thought back to what it was like living there, and how much happier we both are now. we get along so well now, i know it sounds weird, but any time we spend together now is so much more fun. the weekend in logan will be a blast, going there as friends. i'm excited to go because i've been so housebound lately recovering.

along those lines, i slept ELEVEN hours last night! eww, gross. i know i really needed it, but i still hated it lol.

well, i'm off to vacuum my room now! i can't wait until it stops raining, i want it to be warm so i can wear all of my super cute spring clothes, including the ones i bought this week with my birthday money (finally!)

i'm out :P

Sunday, May 15, 2011

the misery of it all....

so i was miserable for like, the last three years.
don't believe me? read my old blog. i did tonight.
i was cringing reading it. my misery was palpable through my words and expressions. my bitterness. my self-loathing.

i was horrible to people, and most of all horrible to myself.

i'm just so grateful for the challenges i've had, because they've led me where i am:
i am a happy person
a person at peace
a good person

every day, i am happy. i'm no longer "waiting for life to begin", which i often talked about in my old blogs.

nope, i'm living.

and it's wonderful :)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

omfg boredddddd

holy goodness i am so restless. i need to do something to entertain myself, and quick.

i've been doing a lot of reading lately. i just finished the hunger games, which i really enjoyed. but i'm restless to go out and DO something...

unfortunately, i really can't. i need to take it easy and get better. i can't tell if this cough is going away or seems kinda the same as it was two days ago, except i feel a little less crappy. i can't tell if i still have a fever or not...all the same, i want to go somewhere! do something!
this week, derek and i are finally going to get all of our stuff, and i can't wait to go through my clothes and see all of the summer clothes i haven't worn forever. i'm sick of wearing the same thing every day hahaha

well.....this attempt to save myself from boredom failed....onto the next!

Friday, May 13, 2011

now here's something you'll really enjoy

first, i must broadcast
that the current score is
moonface- 0
rachel- 1

moonface, in case you don't know (which you probably don't because let's face it, why should you?) is a condition where your face swells. the swelling in my legs went down a few days ago and so they're back to normal, but my face and the top of my neck stayed pleasantly swollen and "malone-like" (see gentlemen prefer blondes for reference)

needless to say....i didn't like it....if you looked just at my face, it looked like it did when i was at my heaviest. and then there's this malnourished little body underneath it. so i was walking around looking like quite the circus attraction. in my opinion anyway. i tried to laugh about it, but this is my FACE we're talking about....not my legs...and when i finally started being able to laugh about it, the swelling started to go down. yay! it might be because i'm tapering off of prednisone, who knows....but all i can say is: "see ya, moonface...don't let the door knock you on your ass on the way out." and excuse my french, but trust me, you'd feel the same way if it was you....

so next i'll just say...i've been kind of bed-confined, because i tried to do too much after my blood transfusion and now have a mean cough/cold that may or may not be pneumonia. "they don't know for sure"....seriously, i am starting to doubt doctors in general so much after this whole ordeal that i am considering seriously going into medicine because i will NEVER be one of those "too casual about it" doctors that seem to be over....anyway, i'm pegging my hopes on it just being a cough but they gave me an antibiotic shot anyway.....and so from being bed-confined, i have read the great gatsby another fifty times.
words cannot express how much i love that book! i've also started the hunger games....jenn and i have a deal that if i read that, she'll read the great gatsby....the hunger games is really good! after all of this reading i've been doing, i'm super inspired to write. i'm so excited to get back into writing now that life has changed so much and i actually feel like i can. i just...couldn't before...long story, but that phase is over :)

oh and i got new bedding...which is really exciting to me for some reason. i can't WAIT to get my room officially cute and set up! when i've recovered from this cough's the FIRST thing i'm doing!

all for now!

ps....willy wonka is the GREATEST. thuh end.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

so.....i almost died.....

so i figured i'd write an update on my health, because although not that many people read this blog, i still can hardly wrap my mind around what happened. more than that, what COULD have happened to me- and i get things out by writing, so here goes:

i went and had my colonoscopy and found i have colitis. was given some medication. that was supposed to be "the end" as it were, and so i started taking the medication, whatever....

a couple of days later, i wasn't feeling much better. and on top of everything, my feet and legs began to swell. like, hugely. black spots kept showing up in my vision, and i started being able to hear my heart racing constantly in my ears. i'd eat in the morning, and then i'd feel the food just stick in my upper stomach all day and not get hungry for literally hours. i started to get so tired that i'd walk down the hall at work and have to stop and lean against the wall to breathe. i'd been tired like that for months, but it got so bad those few days that i could barely stand up without needed to rest. when i went to bed at night, i could barely get up the next morning. needless to say, i was freaked out.

i called my GI from work and told his nurse that my feet were swelling, and she called me back five minutes later to schedule an ultrasound that day on my legs because they were worried i had blood clots. this freaked me out to no end, and i left work to have an ultrasound. i found that i didn't have blood clots, and my GI said he wanted to see me asap.

i went in to see him, he looked at my legs and sort of freaked out. "i've never seen this reaction to that medication before," he told me. "i'm worried you might be experiencing kidney failure. we need to order blood tests, stat. we'll find out what's going on." they sent me to the lab for about fifty blood tests, and then afterwards sent me home with the promise of a phone call with the results within an hour.

i went home, more distraught than i'd been probably the entire time i've been sick the last five months. my feet were so swollen they began to crack and i could hardly walk. i started bawling on the drive home, convinced i'd reached my limit. possible kidney failure? what else didn't they know was going on in my body?

the nurse called me a few minutes after i got home, saying they wanted to send me to the hospital lab for some tests this time. so my sister accompanied me back, and we did a bunch more tests. when they were through, i was informed i'd need a blood transfusion first thing in the morning. THREE UNITS OF BLOOD.

i stared at the woman. "do i need to be admitted tonight?" i asked. because seriously, i was almost scared to go home.
"first thing in the morning should be fine," she said, looking too doubtful to be comforting. so home i went.

the next morning bright and early, my family tried to wake me. i felt like i was being roused from a coma. i could hardly wake, and my face and neck were so swollen i looked like i'd gained fifty pounds over night. derek grabbed my laptop and we headed to the hospital.

we walked in to the IV Therapy section, and the two women at the desk craned their necks to look at me. "you're walking and conscious?" one asked incredulously. i laughed, but she was completely serious. "we've never had an outpatient walk in here with hemoglobin levels as low as yours," she said. "let's get you lying down."

i sort of didn't know how to respond, and let them usher me to a hospital bed. "you can order room service," the woman, evelyn, told me. "we need to go get the blood." she shook her head. "three units. i can't believe you're walking and functioning."

i wasn't really sure what to say. i'd had no idea that it was that bad.

so basically, i ended up spending the day in the hospital with my gram, who came to keep me company. the blood transfusion took about seven hours in all. evelyn came in and spoke to me A LOT and really informed me of how serious my situation was. she said a normal person's blood levels are 35, and mine were at 14. "you have less than half the blood in your body that you're supposed to," she told me. "your levels are life threatening right now." she seemed upset. upset that it had taken so long to get me in. she and the other nurse were both freaked out, saying that i looked like a dead person and they'd never seen someone actually like, conscious with such low levels.

i was pretty upset, too. in weird ways.
the more i spoke to evelyn, the more i realized that i had seriously been on the verge of multiple organ failure. i could have DIED. my body wasn't digesting food and i could hardly wake up because my body was SHUTTING DOWN. literally.

partly through the transfusion, i started to cry realizing that i had been so angry yesterday about my situation, and i actually should have been grateful. grateful i hadn't experienced kidney failure or had a heart attack. when evelyn explained to me what my body was doing being forced to run on so little blood, i started to pray. pray because the Lord had preserved me once again like he had when i was a baby with the chicken pox. i just kept thinking, "i'm so sorry i was angry, things could have been so much worse."

as the hours went by and more blood was given back to me, i began to actually get hungry. when i ate, the food didn't just sit. my skin began to get a bit of color. evelyn kept saying they were literally giving life back to me, and i had no idea just how literal it was until the transfusion was over.

i went home that day, and i could already walk a little more without having to stop and sit. my heart was no longer racing in my ears. evelyn told me i'd be more mentally clear, and i had no idea just how much difference there really was. it was as though i'd been sleepwalking through the last few months. suddenly, i was awake and aware again. i felt like a kid, excited about everything.

the last few days, recovery has been pretty good. i am back on the colitis meds because the swelling was (they think) from the lack of blood and NOT a reaction to the colitis meds. they have already helped me be able to eat again instead of throw everything up. i have had a lot less blood loss too. (sorry if it's TMI, i don't really care). i also am taking iron, a duretic to help with the edema and a steroid to help with the colitis. i can walk around and DO things without needing to rest after ten minutes.
i'm going in for another complete blood count at the hospital and another appointment with my GI on monday, so i'm hoping that everything looks pretty good. my legs are still swelling, but my GI said that will take time to go away. i'm just hoping for good news and hoping that my blood levels are where they're supposed to be monday. i may need another unit of blood, and frankly i kind of want one just to make up for everything i've lost! the three units brought me up to about 25, and i'd like to be a little closer to 35 so we'll see after i talk to my doctor.

overall, i cannot believe how blessed i've been. i know i'm waxing a little religious here but this is my blog after all lol and this whole thing has been a very spiritual experience for me. to know how close i was to dying, and that i wasn't aware of it until after the fact....i am baffled what a little perspective can do. i was so angry the day before my transfusion, convinced i couldn't take anymore. then, when i was really made aware of how serious my situation was and the fact that i was just shook me. i know the Lord loves me and is looking out for me, and every blessing i've been given promising i would be alright was REAL. i know now, no matter what happens in the next little while i will be okay in the end. i truly know that, even if i'm not done with the scary stuff. i have faith, and i have been so blessed to have this experience.

the last part of this whole thing was i had to quit my job. i had taken so much time off already and i knew my recovery would be too intensive to work. honestly, my boss had no idea just how serious my situation was and i still have yet to fully explain it to her. i'm going to hopefully this week though. i loved that job so much and i know i was meant to have it. i have missed my kids every day, but i know the right thing will happen and if i'm meant to work with those kids again, i will. until then, i'm praying because i seriously, seriously miss them. having to quit was the hardest thing, but i knew my recovery was too iffy to be able to promise a work schedule at this point.

so, that is all that has happened. it's so crazy to me to think that it's all really happened. i feel like such a different person after these last five months it's not even funny. i feel like who i'm meant to be, and i honestly believe i could not have become this person without these trials, no matter how painful or scary or hard they've been. i've been so blessed, and i appreciate any thoughts and prayers that have been sent my way. i've needed them, and you have no idea how much they've truly helped.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

blood transfusions, kidney failure, loss....oh my!

having a blood transfusion tomorrow....apparently it takes like, six to seven hours so i get to hang out in a hospital bed all's fine because my legs and feet are so swollen i can't walk anyway....

which brings me to the NEW part in rachel being doctor is worried i might be experiencing kidney yeah.....i had about a million blood tests today, i'll be having this transfusion tomorrow and......

i had to quit my job.

i don't know if i'll be able to work, or if i'll be confined to a hospital bed for the next few weeks, or i had to quit. i'm praying a lot, really trying to keep in mind that the Lord does everything for a reason.....

all these things considered, i had a pretty bad day.....but i'm a little better now....

pray for me?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

what the hellllll

sometimes you really do have to wonder.....

what the HELL

some people.....seriously.

off to eat a sponge,


Wednesday, April 27, 2011


i finally had my dreaded colonoscopy this morning! found out that i have colitis, and that a six-week med course will have me feeling good as new again :) so far, so good! i like, bawled after i woke up and heard the good news. i've felt like death for months now, and even the nurses all thought i looked like the walking dead lol.....i'm so happy to be on the path to recovery!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

the future....

i realized tonight that i am really, truly, genuinely excited about what the future holds for me....

although in many ways i have been happier than ever as of late, my health has concerned me. i just spent the weekend being exceptionally sick after testing if gluten-free was a must for me.

well, i learned that it definitely is. i have been so sick, that my positivity has once again taken a hit. tonight, i had my dad give me a blessing. it was so hopeful and positive, that i truly found myself feeling that although right now some things aren't easy, and though i may be in a lot of pain, it is not permanent. my life is going to continue and i will get these health issues fixed. i'm no longer too scared or weak to do what's necessary, because i know in the long run it's worth it. and i have faith that i'll be alright, no matter how scary my diagnosis sounds or is.

i know the Lord has a plan for me, and my blessing tonight reminded me that i have work to do on this earth. not only that, but i am meant to have joy like everybody else. i have learned the last few months that joy and suffering can be experienced at the same time. i have been truly joyful regardless of my health challenges and marriage ending.

the future holds wonderful things for me, of that i am sure. tonight i was reminded that i WILL get past these health problems and will live a normal life. until then, i will continue to bear with all the patience that i can, and lean on the Lord. He truly is the Light and the way, and i am so glad i have the priesthood in my life. i have hope and joy for the future, knowing that it holds wonderful things for me. i don't know when i'll get married again, or anything like that, but i know that i will someday and i will have the joy that marriage is meant to be. and until then, i'm loving living life as me- as a good person.

Friday, April 22, 2011

it gets better!

so, that last post was sad. and depressing. and all of that.....

but i picked myself up after writing it, started breaking some "sick" habits and thought patterns, and i'm already doing muuuuuch better.....

we had an easter egg hunt at school today. it was so cute, and it was funny watching a couple of the kids just going around grabbing every egg they could see instead of just the ones with their names on them. i really don't want summer break on days like this....

i'm loving this weather, and i don't even mind all the rain because everything is so green and beautiful. i can't wait to get in better shape so i can hike and camp and all of that. i've made sure to run extra errands at work, and walk as much as i can the last couple of days. it's a slow start, but slowly is surely :)

thanks for any prayers/good vibes/positive thoughts sent my way. they've already helped more than anyone can know :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


i'm sitting here, after having called in sick to work, really trying to be positive.

let me say this first: i love my job. i know i was meant to get this job. it has changed me in ways that i would never have imagined. i love the kids i work with like they're my family.

but that's also why i'm struggling right now.....
i feel i was meant to have this job, yet i had to call in sick today. i don't have the strength to chase after a kid when they run, or block them from trying to sneak out the door, etc. the last few days of work have been a huge challenge and i'm so tired by the end that all i want to do is come home and sleep.

i have a month left until school is out for the summer, and i'm worried i won't make it one more month. i made the decision today that i cannot put off the colonoscopy any longer. with the amount i've had to call in sick, i might as well have taken the time off to get it done. i really just want to know 100% what is going on, and i can't wait another month till school ends.
it's just unfair to my boss and coworkers that i can't do some of the things i was hired to do because i'm too weak. all the same, i want nothing more than to keep this job. i've been anxious for summer break so i can get well, and return full-strength in the fall.

i need to start exercising little bits at a time to get my strength back. i've got to break this "sick" mental pattern. please pray for me. it's going to be hard to do, i will need all the help i can get.

i need people to believe in me :)

Friday, April 15, 2011

letting go

today, for the first time since derek and i separated back in february, i looked at some of my wedding pictures/bridals.

it seems like lifetimes ago that he proposed to me. in reality, it was nearly exactly three years ago, in the spring of 2008. the engagement period flew by.

now, looking at those pictures....i see a kid in a wedding dress. i look so, so young....and so does derek. i see us happy in those pictures, but i can't remember very well when we both actually FELT that way.
i look at our faces.....we were happy once. we loved each other. but we weren't right for each other, and we both know it now.

he and i ran some errands yesterday, and he looked so happy. i told him so. he said i looked happy too. we were both smiling, glad to see each other happy again. i'll be stoked when he finds the woman that will be the one to make him happy for eternity. there's no bitterness there at all.

overall, i'm just grateful that we've both been able to let go. there was pain for us both, but it's a distant memory. we checked out awhile ago, and the only baggage we have left is what's sitting in our apartment, waiting to be cleaned out.

i'm glad we can let go, that we can be friends truly because we care about each other, we just didn't know how to make each other happy. and i'm glad that we both have another chance to find the person who will make us happy eventually, whenever that is. i'm amazed at the pain i have been able to avoid- i know what we're doing is right. the Lord is with me, and i have complete confidence that my life is going exactly where it's meant to.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

spring break, harry potter and gluten free :)

so, the title sums it up. i don't need to write anything else. kthxbye.


i've been having my spring break this week, and it's been a welcome break from needing to be at work at eight o clock am each day. i've been sleeping in (sleeping in for me now is like, eight thirty hahaha) and resting up. i've also been giving eating gluten-free a try, and cross your fingers! it's really seeming to help. it's been the perfect week to test it.

this week is also supposed to be the week i move all of my stuff back to my parent's house....i can't WAIT to get that finished! i'll be sharing a room with my little brother, but he doesn't mind :) and neither do i. i'll just be glad to have all of my stuff home with me finally! i've been living off of a pile on jenn's floor for the last few months. it's really shown me how little i need lol. when i think about all of the clothing i'll be moving i kinda shudder :P

i've also been reading all of the harry potter books over and over. not even kidding. i love those books so much! it's weird, because after reading them all back-to-back i've really come to decide that i don't think the movies do them justice at all. sad, i know. i feel like daniel radcliffe was miscast, he misses so many of the nuances of harry's's not really his fault though considering he was cast in the movies as a kid, and cast pretty much by his looks alone. all the same, i do enjoy the movies. i've just realized i really enjoy them as a whole separate animal. there are so many characters in the books that you care about so much, that are barely touched in the movies.....i could go on all day about this, but i'm not going to lol.

anyway so it's been a nice and restful spring break thus far. i do miss my kids, though, and often find my mind wandering to them and wondering what they're doing over their break :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

conference weekend

is the BEST.
end of story.

my life is awesome.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


i got married too young

i used to be the most selfish person i knew. by far.

i used to base my self-esteem solely off of my looks

everything i've ever criticized about someone else has come back to haunt me.

i used to hate more people than i liked.

my brothers didn't want me to come on our family disneyland trip when i was in high school.

i stole my first boyfriend from his girlfriend just to fill the missing space of a friend that moved out of state.

but now?

i spend almost ninety percent of the time i'm NOT at work thinking about my kids there.

i try every day to make someone else happy.

i look for the good in people, and don't pay attention to the bad

i no longer think i'm better than everybody else.

i Love people. and i love God.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

catch up

so, life has been more of the same lately. but i figured i'd do a little catch up post.

firstly, i'm loving my job, aside from the fact that i had to call in sick today because i have NO energy anymore. i went to the doctor and found out that my iron levels are exceptionally low, so i have some new iron pills to take that should really turn things around. let's hope :)

overall now i've lost like twenty pounds since getting sick two months ago. i now weigh 130, give or take, and i'm starting to look like a runway model. i'm eating a lot, and hopefully when i get my iron levels up i'll stop losing. also i'm going to have my colonoscopy over my spring break, and i'm crossing my fingers that everything will come out alright from it. (no pun intended, hardy har:P)

hmmm what else? it was my birthday last week. we celebrated it at school with the kids, which was really cute and fun :) but i've been really too tired to to anything but read all of the harry potter books over and over again. i'm going to start watching some of my favorite anime to break things up a bit lol.

i boring. seriously. but i figured i'd best update.

oh, and keep japan in your thoughts and prayers!

Monday, March 14, 2011

begin again

i'm excited to begin again.

life is this new, beautiful thing. i for the first time in a couple of years, i'm not waiting for time to hurry and pass until i can "be happy."

i'm happy now, and i want time to....well, take its time lol

i'm so excited for spring. so excited for everything. life is AMAZING!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the greatest gift....

you know what the best part of waking up every day is for me lately?

being me.

i know that may sound kind of weird, but here's the thing:

i love myself. i am finally a person that i love to be. i feel like a good person, worth something.

i spent the last couple of years hating myself. nothing makes life worse than hating waking up and seeing yourself every day, and i don't mean simply physically. waking up and seeing all of your inadequacies and failures written all over yourself. all of your bitterness and hate.
sometimes i felt ashamed to be me, because of the way that i behaved. i felt trapped inside myself.

that was me then. but now i wake up, thrilled to go to work each day and be with kids i love so much they might as well be related to me. i love coming home and being with my family, and spending time with people who love me. i love doing things that enrich myself as a person, and my life....

because i'm worth it.

and knowing that, and loving truly the greatest gift.

Friday, March 4, 2011

ready for spring to....spring

week one of being full-time at my job was a great success :D

now, i'm ready for a restful and maybe even somewhat fun weekend ;)

life is great. spring is coming, and i'm so excited for all of the outdoor stuff i'm going to do this year! even though i know it will probably snow a few more times before spring truly settles in, i'm okay with it because i've been hearing birds outside the last few mornings. life is returning, slowly but surely, everywhere :)

i can't wait to see flowers, and blossoms, and even BUGS again hehe

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


whew....sorry about those last couple of emo posts....everyone has their days i guess :)

got promoted to full-time at my job yesterday and worked my first full day today. it was amazing. i love my job beyond words.
spring is in the air, and i'm more than ready! i can't wait for all the fun that spring and summer will bring. now i just have to be patient ;)

life is good.

Monday, February 28, 2011

the uncomfortable kind of honesty

can i be honest?
i wish i could talk to you about this so, so badly.
you were there for the beginning....i wish you could be here for the end.

today at work, stacey was talking about her wedding. she asked me what i registered for, all specific. and so i started to tell her, and it took me back. back to nearly three years ago now, before everything was ruined. back to when i was engaged, and derek and i were so blissfully in love. so in love, we wondered what we'd ever fight about. so in love, he'd write me the kind of love letters you sort of always dream of getting. i thought back to the time we spent perusing the aisles of target and bed, bath&beyond, looking for the things we'd fill our home with.

i felt sick to my stomach.

i'll be selling all of it. all of the dishes, the silverware, the tablecloths and decorations. the wall sconce i was so stoked to register for, the griddle and pots and pans. everything that was derek's and mine, will be gone.

and then...i suppose at some point, i'll do it all over again, with someone else? the idea makes me want to cry. it doesn't make me happy. no one will want to buy us what's on our registry this time, because i've already been married once. that's not the part that bothers me, though.

the part that bothers me is that i'm going to build a life, all over again.

with someone else.

it still hurts to think about. but maybe one day, i'll be happy about it instead.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


when derek and i decided to split up, you were the first person i wanted to tell.

Friday, February 25, 2011

congratulations, you just lost...

tonight at dinner...with my parents, sister and nana&papa...

i sort of realized, as it came up, that next month i turn twenty-three...

i'm going to be divorced at twenty-three....

when i said that, my papa said something that made me feel better. nana did, too. i realized that nobody i cared about was going to judge me. and that matters more than anything.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


it's supposed to snow tonight. and tomorrow. and the next day...

i'm so full of spring fever i might burst, but the weather doesn't heed anyone, especially me ;) or else it would have heeded my request to please snow during the Christmas season...which it really didn't....


i'm sitting here at my parent's house, having just read three harry potter books within the last few days (one of the good things that's come out of my being sick)

i've had just enough strength pretty much to get to work, be okay there, and then come home and nap for a couple of hours. even as i write, it's close to my "bed time".

the minute i feel better, i'm going shopping. a lot of my clothes don't fit that great anymore since i've lost so much weight. i bought myself some new jeans last week, and it was like an epic effort to even try jeans on at all. i decided shopping is more fun when you're not nearly passing out trying on yeah....

anyway, not much else to say. i'm going to start the LAST harry potter book....and i'm sad to start it all over! i was bawling when i read the end of half-blood prince today. i forgot how much the movies leave out.

time to snuggle up with my books :D

Friday, February 18, 2011

they call me miss rachel....

i love the kids in my class, can i just say that?
i think i have the best job in the world.

i can't believe i ever lived without it.

having a job is so much better than not having a job (duh)
i know that everyone knows that, i just sorta wish i could go back to myself a year ago, grab myself by the shoulders and give myself a good slap in the face, while saying that.

i was so scared of having a job while i was unemployed, i made up every excuse in the world to not have one. i didn't want to have to wake up early, so avoided any job that might start in the morning. "i'm young, i want to stay up late and do whatever i want," i used to say. embarrassing, i know. i sounded like a teenager. i'm sure derek loved hearing that haha

i used to also scare myself into thinking that with my ibs, i could never hold a regular job. i told everyone i was in too much pain to work. such a facepalm. even when i'm in pain, i love being at work. it helps keep my mind off of it, in fact.

i'm just blessed. i know it's hard to find jobs right now, and i realize how much of a blessing it is that i have one i love so much.

and the kids, they call me miss rachel....and it melts my little heart :D

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

when life decides to be different than what you planned...

i think you can feel two ways:

really angry, because Life had the nerve to pull tricks on you when you were unsuspecting


accepting...and okay, because after're still going to be okay.

i'm still going to be okay. i'm not sure what's going on with my health right now, but i feel at total peace anyway because i've had some really incredible blessings. i trust the Lord's plan. i know that His will is what will happen, and that it will all work out.

even though derek and i are separated, i trust that it's the right thing. i love being his friend, and i'm so blessed that we are still going to be friends and can still be there for each other. being back at home, and with my family, i feel at peace that right now this is exactly where i'm meant to be.

my job is wonderful, all of the people in my life (including derek and his family) are so wonderful, and even though most people might look at my life right now and think, "wow, that sucks." i'm oddly happy. and at peace.

i cannot stress enough the peace i feel. and it's the first time in a long, long time that i've felt this way.

life, no matter how difficult, can still be happy. we can still be alright.

we just need the faith.

i feel like such a different person than i was months ago. it's weird. but you know what? i feel like i'm finally ME. i'm finally someone i LIKE to be, someone i'm PROUD to be.

it's wonderful.

Friday, February 11, 2011

the end

it hurts. so much. but i have to trust it's right.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head....

stumbled on this today..... so true. what's the point? the amount of grudges i used to hold....the weird competitiveness i would feel with people.....such a waste of time and energy.

all i want to focus on is the people i love. people only affect you if you LET why do it?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

that your burdens may be light

so.....i've been sick for over four weeks.

horribly, 'i've had to take way too much time off of work, been confined to my parent's living room couch, lost enough weight that i guess i could take up a career in modeling' sick....

the irony? i really couldn't care less about the weight loss....if anything, it's freaked me out....

lying here, i'm wondering what's going to happen on tuesday. what i'm going to learn has been going on. i've been praying a lot. praying that this burden can be lightened, because for whatever reason it's apparently right for me to be sick right now. i'm not sure why, but i trust in the Lord. he knows a lot more than i do......

sometimes life really does hurt, or suck. my sister broke up with her boyfriend, and i wish that my being sick could take away the pain of the break up for her. that somehow, it could count for her suffering too. of course, it doesn't work that way.

although someone has already suffered for us both. and that's who i'm leaning on right now.

until this is over, i just want to be able to endure it well.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

of sickness and surgery

so.....i'm still sick. or rather, got sick again. the doctors have no idea what's going on. i'm going in for my first "surgical procedure" next week....if i'm not dead by then lol.

it's not really that funny....i've been scared....but i've had a couple of blessings that have really made me feel like i'll be okay....i'm just not sure when.

prayers/good thoughts/whatever would be appreciated.

Monday, January 31, 2011

because i'm feeling old school....

i'm breaking this down, myspace style:

1; Have you ever actua​lly sat down and thoug​ht about​ why you like the perso​n you like?​​
oh, absolutely not. i just thought, well, he's good looking. let's get married!

2; When peopl​e say, "​​Hones​tly,​​ I don'​​t think​ I've ever talke​d crap about​ anyon​e" do you believe them? it seems to be human nature to gossip....even though i think it's really lame.

3; Is there​ someo​ne you'​​d reall​y like to hang out with and just talk about​ stuff​?​​
tyler durden.

4; Is there​ somet​hing that has happe​ned in your past that you reall​y hate talki​ng about​?​​
not really. i was stupid in high school, and i've had a really bizarre last couple of years, but i'm always pretty candid about everything. what's the point of hiding?

5; Do you think​ a lot of peopl​e think​ bad thing​s about​ you?
i don't know. i doubt it. if they do, it's their time they're wasting, not mine.

7; Do you regre​t doing​ anyth​ing this week?​​
not yet, but it's only monday. HAHAHAHA

8; Name somet​hing you would​n’t want to buy used?​​

9; When did you last cry?
hmm....the week before last when i was really sick...

10; How late did you stay up last night​?​​
lol i'm such a wimp now, i went to bed at like, nine thirty haha

12; What do you think​ of the most when you are alone​?​​
how sexy i am

13; Suppo​se you see your crush​ kissi​ng anoth​er perso​n,​​ what would​ you do?
omfg. i'd die. at least.

14; Would​ you ever becom​e a veget​arian​ or even vegan​?​​
once i became a slave to trends, certainly watson.

15; Do you like your schoo​l?​​
ha! yes! i loooove my school! (i work at a school so this finally applies to me somehow :P)

16; Are you a flirt​?​​
absolutely. derek doesn't mind.

17; Have you ever held hands​?​
disembodied hands???

18; When was the last time that you went swimm​ing,​​ where​,​​ and what color​ was your swim suit?​​
jeez let's see....on my honeymoon?? sad! i'm going to swim a ton this summer, and i'm stocking up on swimsuits from victoria's secret. score!

19; How often​ do you talk on the phone​?​​
pretty much only when i have to.

21; Did you ever lose a best frien​d?​​
ha! see my previous blog entry. sadly, yes. shizzat happens.

22; Have you ever gotte​n mad becau​se someb​ody said they'​​d call you and you guys made plans​?​
when i was depressed, this was the STORY of my sad little life. you can ask the former best friend about that one.

23; Have you ever met a real life prost​itute​?​​
dude. all the time.

25; Can you do push-​​ups?​​
can i? ummm...maybe. do i? nooooo

27; What is wrong​ with you right​ now?
what is wrong with me? that's not a nice question, yo. nothing is really wrong with me. i'm still a little sick, but i'm better now than i've ever been and it's aweeesome

28; Who do you hate?​​
your grandma. she said she'd bake me cookies, and never did. you'd better tell her to get on that, stat.

29; What do you want in your life right​ now?
hmmm....i have pretty much everything i want. life is seriously amazing :)

30; Are you happy​ right​ now?

31; What are you liste​ning to?
minerva by deftones. Oh, the love. <3

32; Drink​ing?​​
is cool i guess if you like losing control of yourself and making a fool of yourself in front of others....yeah.

33; What is your favor​ite thing​ to have on your bed?
should i answer this honestly? best not to, I think :P

34; Last time you went in a tanni​ng bed?
last month. i was trying to avoid SADD. lawl.

35; What do you wear to bed?
muh berfday suit.
no, just kidding. my house is like, one degree at night. i bundle up.

36; Do you tend to make relat​ionsh​ips compl​icate​d?​​
i probably did at some point. not really anymore.

37; What are you doing​/​​did today​?​​
i went to work, hung out with bekah and went to the store.

39; Have you ever been nomin​ated for somet​hing?​​
nominated for coolest person freaking ever.

42; Do you remem​ber your dream​s?​​
sometimes. the last few nights, they've been really weird. but now i can't remember what they were....

43; Do you read?​​
not as much as i should, but i love it when i do.

44; Who was the last perso​n to call you hun? one.

45; What was the last thing​ you bough​t?​​
orange juice :D

Thursday, January 27, 2011

purging, of sorts

so, i've been wanting to write this blog for awhile. i just haven't known where to begin. even now, i don't know quite where to begin so let me start by saying this:

this blog has absolutely NO ill-intent. i'm not writing it hoping that the person i'm writing about will read it and feel horrible, or feel like i'm talking badly about her, or anything like that. i'm sure she won't even read it, and it's just as well. it's just something i've thought about a lot the last long while and as a writer, this is my way of purging it. blogging.

i kind of want to write about how someone who starts out as good for a person (and vice versa) ends up being someone who is poisonous for a person instead. how my best friend and i went from ridiculously close bff's to...well...i don't know what we are.

i've accepted that we are no longer friends. it's a good thing, i'll say that now. it's good that we're no longer friends but it wasn't always that way. the fact that it is that way is sad to me, but what's done is done.
for the first while after my best friend and i stopped talking, i tortured myself day and night over what went wrong. why did we act so (i know this sounds like a joke, but it's not lol) psycho around each other? why did we make each other needy, dependent and weak? why did we hang out all of the time even though it (felt) like we practically hated each other? when had we STARTED "hating" each other? time after time i pored over the last couple of years, trying to figure out what went wrong.

i factored in my depression, both of our job losses, things like that....but the number one reason i came across was when we moved in together two summers ago.

looking back, i have no idea why we thought it was a good idea at all. i'd only been married a matter of months, was deeply depressed, and jobless. derek was only making enough for us to barely get by. my friend made enough to get by easily. maybe we told ourselves it would save us money. i think truthfully for me, i didn't want to be alone. i knew if we moved in together that i wouldn't feel lonely when derek worked his swing shift job. and i felt that somehow, it would ease my confused feelings about marriage after having depression set in mere months after marrying the man i loved.

i don't know her reasons for wanting to move in with us, but i'm sure they were less weird than my own. so we decided to move in to a house that had enough room that we still thought we'd have our own space.

we were wrong.

weird things happened with jobs when we moved in, and my friend and i ended up working at the same dead-end place. we literally never had time apart. money grew tight, and as it did, resentment started building. i resented her for "making it harder" and i could tell she was resenting me. it seemed like we were both a little depressed now, we never left the house to do anything and ate ourselves sick all the time.

one day i was sitting out on the deck, before she decided to move out, and wondered, what the hell is happening with my best friend and i?

we didn't seem to enjoy hanging out anymore. we seemed to develop a dependence on the other that was weird. we ended up both losing our jobs and spent all day, every day doing nothing.

then, she moved out. at the time, i was mad when she did because i felt she'd left us in a hole financially, which even if it was the case....her decision was a wise one.

but after she moved out, we kept hanging out. it was me, i think. i was scared to lose my best friend even though we desperately needed space. we kept hanging out so much, it wasn't even fun anymore.
i'd always been a confrontational type before the depression. in the midst of it, i became totally non-confrontational. any hint of confrontation made me cry. she had never been very confrontational either, so between us....nothing was being said.
we resented each other because we wouldn't talk about things. about feeling like we were stuck hanging out with each other even when we didn't want to. about everything that was bad about orem. we never spoke about anything, so it began to build up and fester as our dependence on each other grew worse.

at some point, things grew broken beyond repair between us. i was certain that she pretty much hated me by the time we stopped talking. i felt like i might have even hated her a little, too.

but now that more time has gone by, i don't feel anything like that. i look back on that friendship and it's weird to me. it's tired. and it's sad. because we changed from being people who were great friends and good for each other to being horrible, passive-aggressive friends and people who were literally poisonous for one another.

what exactly happened? living together was a horrible idea. but i think the true death of the friendship started when we kept hanging out and didn't allow any space AFTER the fact. we should have. we should have yelled at each other or something, and gotten all of the bad feelings out. we should have stopped talking for awhile, just to take a breather. if we had, things probably could have been salvaged.

instead, we didn't. and i look back at myself when we were friends and shudder because i was such a needy, weird, depressed FREAK about everything. and somehow, we enabled that in each other. and for whatever reason, we couldn't seem to go back.

i've learned to be independent like i used to be now. i do things for myself instead of relying on someone else to help me. i have a job, i have routines and schedules and goals that i hold myself to. i'm a person again. an adult again.

i guess you learn the hard way, when seven years with someone is gone it's almost like a death. but i've learned so much, i wouldn't take it back, even if i wish sometimes that my friend and i could be friends the way we USED to be, when we cheered each other up, pushed each other to be better and were friends the way friends are MEANT to be.

really all i can hope now is that she maybe doesn't hate me. that her life has picked up and improved the way that mine has. and that one day, we both can look past the bitter end and remember the rest instead.

and let me add, i know this blog is really personal. that's fine. my blog is pretty much my journal, so i don't see the point of avoiding certain topics.

holy crap, am i still alive?

pinching myself, and seeing that my skin is no longer gray and my eyes are no longer glazed over i suppose the answer is yes.
yes, yes, yes.

my recovery from whatever the HELL took over my system the last three weeks is slow, but still progress. i've been able to go to work every day this week. (sidenote: i LOVE my job. i can't imagine NOT having a job now. i think back to myself at this exact point last year: jobless, lame, and totally boring and i can't BELIEVE i ever avoided having a job at all)

so yeah....last week i lived at my mom and dad's house so that they could take care of me. i watched lots of movies, talked to my mom a ton and looked at my brother's new baby from across the room longingly lol (longing as in, longing to hold her. not longing for my own. not yet, thank you!)
and aside from being deathly ill (it was decided i resembled a corpse for a few days) it was actually a really good week. it's so cheesy, but i keep discovering so much about myself as time goes on and last week was a week of growth for me. except width-wise, because i kept throwing up. hehe.
anyway, i'm just so grateful that even though i was and am still kind of sick, i have such a great family. i feel like they are all my heroes, especially my mom and dad. they're such great people i'm glad i've always been able to look up to them.
and i'm so grateful for my job, and how understanding they were of me having to take over a week off. i've been so glad to be back this week, it's such a great place.
and i'm grateful for derek, who has had me watching star trek: next generation. nerdiness is awesomeness. for sure.

anyway, that's all the update for now. i'm going to go stuff my face, as my appetite has been insatiable this week. like, seriously.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

effing sick part 2

so, i was feeling better for two days exactly...
and then i felt horrible again.
and i mean HORRIBLE.

i woke up last night shaking so bad that i started crying. and derek had to rush in and comfort me. i know, i'm such a baby. but seriously.

i was given some antibiotics by my doctor. i took them for one day and stopped, because i thought they were making this worse. and because the antibiotics were for something scary and potentially life-threatening and i really didn't want to think that i had that.

well, i'm pretty sure i do. i started taking the antibiotics again today. cross your fingers, pray, send out good vibes, whatever if you can...

i REALLY don't want to go to the emergency room.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


it's ugly. i really, really don't like when people judge others.

i used to be really bad about it. i still struggle sometimes, when people are obsessed with throwing themselves pity parties or get married after knowing someone for two weeks or something.

but that's a new resolution: i'm much better about it now, but i want to be AWESOME about it. as in, NOT judging people, especially in a harsh manner. it's just a waste of energy.

love :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

effing sick

so, right after the most AWESOME holiday in existence

and the best week at work maybe EVER

and, and and.....

i got seriously sick with some kind of psychotic stomach bug.


i haven't been this sick since new jersey. moreso maybe even. and even though i've tried really really hard not to mope, i totally have. the only upside, and this is pushing it, is that i've....lost a little more weight. but i hate even saying that as an upside because i'm already thin enough and it really wasn't worth it lol. still, i'm trying to find a silver lining here.

anyway, i finally feel a bit better this morning. (knock on wood) and i'm hoping to be able to get back to work tomorrow and back to LIFE this weekend. i'm totally sick of my house, and it's become a huge mess. ugh. i have lots of cleaning up to do!

anyway, there's an update. since hanna is about the only person who reads this and she already knows, i don't know how necessary it was but it's all good :D

Friday, January 7, 2011

it's spring on my blog!

now don't think i'm jumping ahead of myself...i've been really good about not wanting the seasons to switch the moment they begin and pining for them once they're over....i'm actually just fine with winter but when it came time to re-decorate my blog, i was feeling for something bright & cheery to suit my demeanor :)

so....while it's still bundle-up weather for another couple of months (i like to pretend march is spring even though half the time it's not, but i mean come on, it doesn't exactly belong under the winter label...) it's sunny on my blog :D

and sunny everywhere i go.

can i just add....i love my job. i love it, i love it, i LOVE it. i cannot believe how blessed i am.

thuh end.

Monday, January 3, 2011

the way of nature and the way of grace....

the last two weeks (the week of Christmas and the week after) made me realize the following things:

i am blessed.
i don't need medication.
i have the best family in the world.
i have the best sister in the world.
i have the best in-laws and husband in the world.
my eating lifestyle has changed for good.
life can be simple if you don't spend all of your time complicating it ;)
life is BETTER simple.
i don't need material things, good weather or faux "busy-ness" to make me happy.
i dodged a huge bullet this year
life is better when you love YOURSELF
life is better when you love God

that's all.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Christmas 2010

i wanted to write a blog about the last two weeks, especially this last week and the awesome time i got to spend with my mom and my sister jenn.

we had such a good time. we watched tons of dr. quinn, ate yummy Christmas treats and helped prepare the food for new year's day :)
i was so, so glad i got to spend the whole week just hanging out with my mom and my sis :) jenn and i used to share a room, and we've always been so close.
now she's busy and i'm even decently busy ;) so we don't get to spend as much time together. this week, we got to hang out every day and i loved it! i'm so, so glad i have such a wonderful family especially my sister and my mom. jenn has always been someone i can rely on, look up to and learn from. she is truly a beautiful, self-sufficient person. whoever she marries will have to battle me to get my approval, because not just anyone gets my sis!!

love ya jenn :)

below i've posted a few pics, some are old and some are new. you can probably tell which :) thanks to the new photo project i'm doing i've been taking a lot more pictures than usual and i'm so glad. i already am grateful i got to document this amazing week with my family.

my wedding day :)

classic "us" myspace style lol


my mom has always thought this was a really weird picture haha

naf days in the old building

dq while preparing for the new year's feast :D

we made awesome queso dip

sisters :)