Monday, February 28, 2011

the uncomfortable kind of honesty

can i be honest?
i wish i could talk to you about this so, so badly.
you were there for the beginning....i wish you could be here for the end.

today at work, stacey was talking about her wedding. she asked me what i registered for, all specific. and so i started to tell her, and it took me back. back to nearly three years ago now, before everything was ruined. back to when i was engaged, and derek and i were so blissfully in love. so in love, we wondered what we'd ever fight about. so in love, he'd write me the kind of love letters you sort of always dream of getting. i thought back to the time we spent perusing the aisles of target and bed, bath&beyond, looking for the things we'd fill our home with.

i felt sick to my stomach.

i'll be selling all of it. all of the dishes, the silverware, the tablecloths and decorations. the wall sconce i was so stoked to register for, the griddle and pots and pans. everything that was derek's and mine, will be gone.

and then...i suppose at some point, i'll do it all over again, with someone else? the idea makes me want to cry. it doesn't make me happy. no one will want to buy us what's on our registry this time, because i've already been married once. that's not the part that bothers me, though.

the part that bothers me is that i'm going to build a life, all over again.

with someone else.

it still hurts to think about. but maybe one day, i'll be happy about it instead.

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