maybe i'm amazed

i realized recently, that to people who don't know me (or even just don't know me well) my blog posts may seem like self-righteous ramblings most of the time. i should probably state that i don't think i'm better than anybody. i don't post blogs hoping other people will read them, so i never have an ulterior motive. writing is, and always has been, my topmost form of self-expression. when i'm confronted with a problem, i have to write about it to fully figure it out. i could talk about it until i'm blue in the face, but it's not "officially" solved until i've written about it. the way i think when i'm writing is like putting a puzzle together. it helps me see more clearly, and maybe confront things that i wouldn't like to admit.

i've kept a journal that's been pretty much daily since i was a kid. this turned into (mostly private) blogs on myspace, when myspace was first around. it graduated into livejournal and then blogspot. believe it or not, i still have my myspace simply because it has years and years worth of "journal" blogs in its guts. i STILL write on there because i like the layout of it. nobody reads those but me. nobody is meant to.

with this blog, i occasionally write things i might want others to read. but most of it is wordvomit. most of it is me figuring things out, and when i've figured them out, cementing them in my brain. i can promise that as much as it might seem like i'm patting myself on the back, i've probably beat myself up a million times more.

why? because i AM my own harshest critic. i have no doubt that a part of my illness has had something to do with the way i judge myself, and "Self-punishment". it's too much to get into on this post, i've puzzled it out a million times before and that's not why i'm writing this.

i'm writing this to say that if i ever seem unbearably narcissistic or self-righteous, well....i promise i'm not lol. i'm proud of myself because i have worked my effing tail off to become what i am today, and i LOVE what i am today. all the same, i don't think it makes me better than anybody else. i don't expect everyone to progress the same rate that i do. some progress faster, and some slower. and others, not at all. i FEEL for people who are stymied, because i know how agonizing that can be.

so....i hug myself rather than pat myself on the back ;) my writing is raw and unfiltered, and it is what it is. if you're a reader of this blog, i hope that it's clear that i see myself the way i see everybody- as human, and imperfect. and as an imperfect human, i don't make it a habit to look down on others. because guaranteed, if that's the kind of person you are- somebody will ALWAYS be looking down on you.

-love, me

here's some things i've realized/learned as of late:

i'm obnoxiously introspective ;)


i want a career in medicine- a PA, in fact!


i hate, hate, HATE not working every day in some way


i'm actually really good with kids. not just the kids i work with, but kids in general! who'd have thought? ;)


i love skinny. i rock it.


what matters in life vs what truly does not



that i don't want to have to spend time on things that don't matter any more than i have to



that i'm tough



yes i just mentioned skinniness above, but as far as it goes: i am so much more than my body and my beauty (or lack of) and it really really REALLY doesn't matter that much



i WANT to be a mom someday



i am a completely different person now than i was only a few years ago. it's been a literal transformation.



i am really REALLY excited about fitness and health, and feeling strong! i finally feel seriously stoked about getting into great shape with my mom's personal trainer and being able to hike and rock climb and ride bikes! fitness is truly exciting to me!!




that the Lord knows best. i am baffled how true this keeps ringing to me the more and more i go through. this second surgery was sosososo much harder than the first in many ways. though i didn't have any of the whole "waking up seeing the bag and losing my sanity" stuff. it was actually a relief the have that be familiar and not an obstacle to my immediate recovery.

there were some complications with this surgery and i actually got two surgeries for the "price" of one during my stay, oh goody, amirite?  BUT the complications have been (and still SLOWWWLY) are calming down and dying off. there was extremely GOOD news in all of this, though. they were able to test my small bowel for any sign of  crohn's and were able to confirm finally that it most certainly IS (or was) ulcerative colitis! so that takes away a HUGE concern about just getting sick in the j-pouch years or even just getting sick again in general. to have that confirmed- that this is really the journey coming to an end. and it will follow with the next!

jenn

wednesday, jenn left on her mission.

i ache in a way that i didn't know i would. jenn and i shared a room for twenty years, give or take. we grew up doing everything together and have always remained best friends. when i got married and became a recluse, jenn would drag me out. i have always been able to tell her everything and have always looked up to her.

and now, she'll be across the world for eighteen months. i don't think it's fully hit me yet that i won't be able to simply send her a text, call her, go into the other room and see her, etc.

i've written her like a million letters already, and she's still in the MTC!

ugh :(