Wednesday, April 24, 2013

maybe i'm amazed

i realized recently, that to people who don't know me (or even just don't know me well) my blog posts may seem like self-righteous ramblings most of the time. i should probably state that i don't think i'm better than anybody. i don't post blogs hoping other people will read them, so i never have an ulterior motive. writing is, and always has been, my topmost form of self-expression. when i'm confronted with a problem, i have to write about it to fully figure it out. i could talk about it until i'm blue in the face, but it's not "officially" solved until i've written about it. the way i think when i'm writing is like putting a puzzle together. it helps me see more clearly, and maybe confront things that i wouldn't like to admit.

i've kept a journal that's been pretty much daily since i was a kid. this turned into (mostly private) blogs on myspace, when myspace was first around. it graduated into livejournal and then blogspot. believe it or not, i still have my myspace simply because it has years and years worth of "journal" blogs in its guts. i STILL write on there because i like the layout of it. nobody reads those but me. nobody is meant to.

with this blog, i occasionally write things i might want others to read. but most of it is wordvomit. most of it is me figuring things out, and when i've figured them out, cementing them in my brain. i can promise that as much as it might seem like i'm patting myself on the back, i've probably beat myself up a million times more.

why? because i AM my own harshest critic. i have no doubt that a part of my illness has had something to do with the way i judge myself, and "Self-punishment". it's too much to get into on this post, i've puzzled it out a million times before and that's not why i'm writing this.

i'm writing this to say that if i ever seem unbearably narcissistic or self-righteous, well....i promise i'm not lol. i'm proud of myself because i have worked my effing tail off to become what i am today, and i LOVE what i am today. all the same, i don't think it makes me better than anybody else. i don't expect everyone to progress the same rate that i do. some progress faster, and some slower. and others, not at all. i FEEL for people who are stymied, because i know how agonizing that can be.

so....i hug myself rather than pat myself on the back ;) my writing is raw and unfiltered, and it is what it is. if you're a reader of this blog, i hope that it's clear that i see myself the way i see everybody- as human, and imperfect. and as an imperfect human, i don't make it a habit to look down on others. because guaranteed, if that's the kind of person you are- somebody will ALWAYS be looking down on you.

-love, me

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