Tuesday, August 30, 2011

all i need....

okay so to start, i am slightly obsessed with awolnation as of late. i know, totally random thrown in with my doors/led zepp/jimi hendrix thingy i've been on.....but they're great!

this song pretty much sums up my vibe tonight:

i realized tonight (and okay, maybe i've known this for awhile but didn't want to admit it) that i want to get well...but i don't want to have to make the effort.
after a particularly painful past few days, not borne near as well as they should have been i might add....i had an appointment with my gi today in which he wrote me a script for one of the Big Scary Meds.

as i left his office, i was between crying every couple of minutes and trying to feel relieved. well, i wanted my illness gone? here was one way. right in my hand.
but with my illness was likely to go my hair, my immune system and a host of other things i'm not fond of parting with.

why are you crying? i thought to myself. this is what you've wanted. an easy solution!
but i knew it wouldn't really be easy. my gi gave me pages of literature to read about the medication, and i spoke with the pharmacist at length about my concerns. when he told me he discouraged his wife from taking it, i sort of crumbled inside.

this wasn't what i really wanted. my mind flashed back to the Crazy Hard Diet that i'd read and prayed so much about, and i felt kind of guilty. i hadn't even given it a try, because it was going to be hard. and time-consuming. and probably really sucky at first. but i've always felt like i needed to try it. i've had so many blessings that have led me to feel that way as well. and here i was holding this death script in my hand, about to fill it. ignoring all of that because i was....

lazy? unmotivated? just plain stupid?

maybe a bit of all three.

i realized as i went home and talked to the All-Wise Jenn ;) about it. i was rationalizing why i should just try the medication.
"well, what about your blessings?" she said. so reasonable, as always.
and yeah, my logic crumbled.

what about them? if i follow this diet and have success, i'll stop losing my hair. i won't waste away even more, and get weird acne, and have an increased risk for cancer or suddenly develop lymphoma or i dunno....have liver failure or a number of other scary things.
what i WILL do is spend a lot of time cooking. and not eat crappy foods that are bad for me. and probably feel really. damn. good.

plus, i'll look good. because everyone who eats this way says their bodies have never looked better, and i'll actually have the energy to work out.

my decision has been made. i never went and picked up the script.

i have been promised something- and i'm not going to take the other way because it involves less effort. that's absurd.
time to pull on my big-girl pants and get to work. i'll be thanking myself for this twenty years down the road.

and anyway, i've always wanted to learn how to cook ;)

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