divorce.

last night, with the help of my gram, i was filling out the necessary papers for my divorce from derek.
the papers asked for information. what day were we married. what city. our birthdates.
the word "spouse" was used many, many times.


it was weird. weird putting down the date of our wedding. i remember us going and getting our marriage license together. there's a sign in the office there that says, "no refunds, returns or exchanges". we'd laughed, because like anyone getting a marriage license, you think that sign is a really funny joke that will never apply to you.
i wasn't laughing last night.

don't get me wrong. i'm ready for this. i know it's the right thing for derek and i. i know it's the best path for us. but it's just strange to think that three years ago, we had just started our lives together.
and honestly, three years ago i'd already started having doubts. but i was too afraid to let myself think about them. i was afraid of what other people would think. i was afraid because we'd JUST gotten married. no one wants to be the girl that just got married and is already wondering if it was right or not.


it wasn't right.

only a few people read this blog. and that's fine. i don't write it for anyone but myself. but maybe somebody will come across it who needs it. if they do....i want you to realize....even the kindest, most civil divorce hurts.
you never think it's going to be you. no matter how good of friends you are with your spouse as it ends (as derek and i are) it still hurts. you signed up for dreams and hopes and a life together...and these papers are signing that away.
even though i'm ready for this, it made me sad anyway. i was young. i was foolish. both derek and i suffered unnecessary pain because we didn't think things through enough. don't let that be you. whoever you may (or may not) be.
when i got married, i didn't even know what marriage really was.

i do now, as i end mine.


don't let me, be you. i'm okay now, but i wasn't okay for a long time.