Saturday, August 20, 2011

you're not bigger than this, not better...why can't you learn?

it's so easy to drown in "poor me's" and "boohoo's" sometimes in life.
yesterday, i visited a doctor who shed more light on my current health situation than i had been aware of since my "diagnosis"
i learned that my health condition is much more serious than i'd been told before. i learned that drugs "akin to chemotherapy" might be necessary, and that getting an operation removing my colon was a "real possibility". and not in twenty years- soon. my illness is "severe". and i didn't know it was.

needless to say, i kind of lost my head.

here's where i get spiritual. if you don't want to read it, skip a little:

i've received a lot of blessings since i fell ill back in january. one of them said i would make a full recovery. another said my life would be lengthened by this.

but i don't know the means by which i'll reach that recovery and that point in my life. it may involve surgery. it may involve drugs that are akin to chemo. i just don't know.
last night, i got upset. i had a breakdown the likes of which i've never had before. i know that on some level, part of this is mental. and that was what the doctor was trying to get me to see. i have held onto things and punished myself for them for years. i have worried myself into greater illness. this is hard to explain, because it entails so much.

just know that i lost it. just for a bit.
but luckily, my family was there for me.
they held me like i was a child and let me cry, and let me be afraid, and counseled me.

and i listened.

i don't know where i go from here. i'm going to do everything i can to obtain the recovery i was told i'd have. and i'm going to try not to be scared of what i have to do to get there.

anything....prayers, well-wishes, good vibes...please send them my way. i'm a stronger person now than i was eight months ago, but i'm not sure i'm strong enough for what this may be-yet.

one thing the doctor told me was that there's two ways to say "i am" in spanish and only one way to say it in english. you can say, "i am tall" and you are. you will be tall tomorrow, and in five years unless your legs get cut off. then there's the way to say "i'm sick." as in, i'm sick right now. but i'm well.

i'm sick right now, but i'm well.
and i have to remember that.
this too shall pass.

1 comment:

kimmiedancer said...

Hey Rach, it's Kimmie.

I'm very sorry to hear about the depth of your illness. It's sad to see because you appeared to happy and healthy when I was there (though you probably were just showing that on the outside). You're also a super pretty and really lovely girl.

Just know many people care about you, including those in other countries. :) We are here to listen and support you, whatever happens.

Kia Kaha (stay stong in Maori),