new year, same me

everybody loves to throw around the "new year, new you!" phrase. i dislike it.

i understand the sentiment, i just don't agree with it. over the past couple of months, i've been working really hard on knowing exactly who i am, and exactly who i am not. i've considered the positive and the negative, but mostly the positive. truth be told, i have spent more than enough time on the negative in my life already.

so lately, i've come to know myself and all of the great things that that entails. i have considered my strengths, the things i am naturally adept with, my potential that is brimming just below the surface or is sitting on the surface, but unused. i am slowly but surely enriching my life by adding things to it that i know i will love or maybe, will simply challenge me. i want the challenge. but i'm not undertaking all of this hoping to arrive at "a new me". i want to arrive as the me i am now. i want to experience life as i want it, as i hope for it. my own standards and judgements are all that matter. and there's no way in hell i'm going to sell myself short, and there's no need for reinvention. if you don't like yourself, by all means, make some changes. but don't expect to be someone entirely different. that doesn't happen. the good in you and the strength are already there. you just need to bring them out. you need to not be afraid to try and fail and maybe suffer a little.

the thing i've learned is, things that are supposed to seem great are anything but, when you have no sense of yourself. who you actually are. enjoyment isn't possible when you have no sense of yourself. by the same measure, suffering is not really that bad, when you're not afraid of taking it on because you have a sense of yourself and what YOU can handle and who you are. the good is that much better, and the bad is survivable when you respect yourself and know yourself and LIKE yourself.  because no matter what, you can't lose that. no matter what happens to you. and i've learned that recently. i finally have. "man's search for meaning" has finally smacked me upside the head with understanding. and not a minute too soon.

this morning i'm sitting on a porch chair in sunny southern california. the weather is beautiful, i am watching the sea, breathing it in. i am exactly where i want to be. the second year in a row, i've made this happen because it matters to me. funny enough, i've had problems since arriving here. a medication issue, that's left me with some pain and unpleasant symptoms. however, i'm solving that problem and it's not at the forefront of my mind.

what's at the forefront of my mind? that it's sixty-something degrees outside, the sun is beating down on my body and the air is fresh and i can taste the ocean in it. that tomorrow i will party with some of the coolest family anyone could hope for, that i will see an old friend while here. that this week holds for me whatever i want it to. that when i go back home, i will be buoyed up to survive the rest of the winter.

what else could i need?

this new year is going to hold for me, whatever i want it to. my physical limitations are shrinking daily and i am taking care of myself mentally and physically, getting stronger. i will do whatever i want to. i will be me, the same me i've always been- but with the experience of illness, heartbreak, rock-bottom-and-up-again, a renewal and removal of disillusionment. i will write passionately, laugh freely, (at myself, most of the time i'm sure) and surround myself with whomever and whatever i choose to. and at the end of the day, when i go to bed and look at myself in the mirror, i'll be happy that i am living MY life in THIS body. as THIS person.

and that's enough.