Thursday, April 29, 2010

flood

i have been inspired by a very REAL post of a friend to her blog...to finally just let out all of the emotions and troubles my heart has had since moving here.

as more days have gone by, i have really felt over and over that i don't want to be here. since arriving, our lack of money, poor weather and sheer lack of motivation have torn down the healthy routines i had gotten myself into prior to moving. i haven't been able to eat the healthy food my body needs, i haven't been able to do much working out and what's worse is i have just simply lost the motivation to do so. i feel as if this place is throwing me backwards, which makes me both angry and upset.
wasn't i given blessings saying this was what we were supposed to do? that this was going to be good for me? so far it's been the opposite, and while at first i was determined to put on a good face for people about this....i don't want to right now. i want to let it all out because holding it in is making me physically ill.
being here has thrown in my face everything i'm not. it's challenged my dwindling sense of self more than i thought it would. i've questioned who i am and if i'll ever get back to that person more and more since arriving here.
i thought i'd act strong, but why? because of pride? because i know that certain people may want to see me fail and i don't want to feed into that?
whatever the reasons, they're not good enough for me to hold this in anymore. i'll just let it out. i'll say it.
i'm not happy i'm here right now. i've lost the months-long motivation to lose the last bit of this weight. it's killing me to admit that. it kills me more to admit that i don't know how to get it back.
i feel like i'm slipping into depression all over again being here, except this time i don't even have medication to help me.
i need something
i need prayers.
please, please pray for me.
anyone who reads this, please.
i hardly ask for them, but i need them now.
i can't have this be another failure, and right now i feel helpless.
if i fail at this, i honestly don't know how i'll go on.

2 comments:

Sara McArthur said...

Prayers are coming your way: It always gets worse before it gets better. I have a feeling it will :) See ya soon dear :) Can't wait to walk our puppies together, window shop in the city, lay out at the pool, bag shop at canal street and grocery shop together. Share dinner recipies. Spend nights out on the town or together with the boys gaming, bowling, bbq-ing. chin up little flower chin up :)

thankyoueverso said...

Sara, I love you. I really really do. I'm so glad we're friends. I'm really trying to hang in here, I have a feeling things are getting "worse" to discourage me because this summer is going to be so good for my personal growth. Your comment was very encouraging and I'm so glad that we get to hang out and make up for lost time the past few years this summer. Thanks for being my friend :)