a letter i can't send

dear,

for some reason, i wanted to see how you were doing. i went to your blog, and was surprised at what i saw. everything is going wonderfully for you, and i couldn't help but be pleased.
it was weird, but it made me happy.
i'm so glad you were able to find a job, and that you're taking on your future with school. i'm sure you've found new friends, and i hope you've found your faith too.
i feel silly that i care. i feel like i should have just "moved on" and never thought about you again. but i'm human. aren't we all? you and i were friends for years. i still want to see you happy.
i wish i could send you this letter. i would like for you to know how proud i am of you. it's not my place to be proud. we don't talk anymore and i'm not in your life but i'm proud anyway. i'm proud and a little sad. i never knew our friendship was holding us back so much. why is it that now that we're not friends, our lives have suddenly moved so much better? here i am, across the country having new experiences and taking life on for the first time in nearly two years...and there you are getting a job and starting school. why couldn't we do these things as friends? i guess i'll never know. i'm sorry we held each other back so much. i'm glad all the same that we're finally going places.
i guess i just wish we could have gone places as friends.

i'm here now, sitting in a strange city and i'm excited and scared. there's this part of me that wishes i could talk to you about it because you'd understand. part of me wishes we were still going to have those doofy meetings about our graphic novel and whatever. part of me wishes you were still going to come out here to visit me.
i'm here now in this strange city and i'm more compelled than ever to meet every goal i've set. to lose this last ten pounds, to meet all sorts of (admittedly, really rude) east coasters, to see lots of sights and just LIVE. i'm more compelled than ever because if our friendship had to END for us to fly....then there's no way in hell i'm staying on the ground.


thank you,

i hope you go far.