Sunday, March 4, 2012

after all, i do have regrets...

last night, i had never wanted to undo something in my past so badly in my life.

derek and i hung out. we went to dinner, fye and the mall. we had a good time, like we used to before we got married. he showed me some new music he's been listening to, we talked about work and writing and life in general. we cracked each other up with goofy voices and dorky jokes.

we also had a discussion. one that's been long overdue. this is where the wanting to undo part comes in.

i don't regret our decision to get divorced. not in the least bit. last night we hung out, not as ex husband and wife but as really good friends. it was not in the least bit romantic. there are absolutely NO feelings like that left between us and never will be again.

what i did regret, for a brief moment in time, is that we ever got married in the first place.

our marriage was hard on the both of us. that goes without saying. but it was especially hard on him. and last night, talking frankly and openly about it- and about the end...about our futures with other guys and girls....i just found myself thinking, "why, Lord? why did he have to go through what he did?" i've hated myself for what i put him through, and while i've worked really hard to move past it....i felt a little of that self-loathing rearing its head last night as we spoke.

i asked him if he was afraid to get married again, because of what happened with us. and of course he is. and i wish he wasn't, because what happened with us was such a specific thing...was so tailored especially for ME to learn's not the first time that i thought it was just a little unfair that he had to be along for the ride with me.

sometimes you just wish you could go back. i wish i could go back so that derek wouldn't have to be nervous about falling in love and getting married again. but there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to change the way he feels, and that's hard for me.

i don't even know why i'm writing this. it's so personal that i should probably save it as a draft so that no one but me can read it....but it's just...i had to get this out. that i regret ONE thing. the effect all of this has had on HIM. he doesn't deserve it.

if there is one thing i could change, it would be this.

all i could say to him last night was that i was so glad that he was still my friend....i don't know that anybody besides him could have remained friends with me after the fact. i am very blessed. i just wish i had a way to pay it forward.

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