i've been thinking a lot the last few weeks about who i am.
"oh my goodness," you're probably thinking, "who is this chick and why is she always thinking about this crap?"
a fair question. i certainly do seem to come across as some kind of vampire tormented by my humanity ;) a little too louis from interview with a vampire maybe....but i digress....
everybody has things in their personality they are sort of born to. last night we were watching family videos, and in one video, i was five. my sister and i were in the midst of an epic power struggle...at this point you could tell she still sort of bossed me around (that didn't last very long lol)
anyway....i couldn't believe what a little brat i was! i not only smacked my sister, when she was talking i yelled over her, "no one wants to hear your big mouth!"
needless to say...we were all laughing, but i was a little surprised. anyone who has known me for years could tell you, "nice" is certainly not the word most people would use to describe me. i've gone through stages where i've been downright MEAN. i guess i was just surprised to see me at five, already struggling with a demon that would end up being one of the biggest fights of my life.
i know everybody has the "natural man" within them. everyone has impulses that aren't good, and unflattering personality characteristics they try and reign in...
my battle truly started about four years ago, when i got married. at that point in my life, there was some great SHIFT. suddenly, everything i'd built myself on (my looks, my cleverness, other shallow things) disappeared and i found myself with nothing. thus began the most difficult and rewarding four years of my life. i had to learn all over again who i was. i had to rebuild after the house burned down. i had to re-evaluate what makes someone good or worthwhile.
there were casualties along the way- including my marriage. i entered it as one person and came out as somebody else. a period followed of peace and happiness. i'd made a lot of progress as a person, and i guess i figured i was done with that particular battle.
but...it's interesting, because just when i think i'm done with something....i'm not. just recently, when i got sick again, i underwent another little crisis wondering who i am. i came face to face with the apathy, carelessness and meanness that have tried to establish themselves as the main points of my personality my whole life. every day was a struggle. who would win? i felt like to surrender to those characteristics would be so much easier, and less painful.
luckily, i've got people looking out for me. and i have the Lord. He wasn't going to let me go that easily.
my family, and especially my friend alyssa, talked me down from a ledge as it were. they helped me see that i was allowed to be upset and impatient with my illness without completely reverting back to how i used to be, years ago. they helped me see there was a better way to deal with it.
and so instead of being angry, i turned to God. i humbled myself. i made sure He knew that i was willing to see how this could build me, once again. i showed him that if this was what needed to happen right now, i was ready to endure it. and He has taken my hand, and guided me through.
so what's the point of this blog? i don't know...i guess that we're never really done proving who we are. that maybe i'll be fighting certain demons my whole life. sometimes it gets easier, and sometimes it's harder, but i'm never doing it alone. it wouldn't make any sense to give up, when life is about progress. and just because i may have tendencies to be apathetic, etc, doesn't mean i have to let those things win. i am a good person capable of infinite amounts of love- the last year has proven that. and that's who I WANT to be.
it's worth fighting for.