Tuesday, February 21, 2012

bye bye facebook....and hello again.

i deactivated my facebook account today.

now of course, this isn't really that big of a deal. deactivating facebook is pretty much the equivalent of logging out and having your facebook go into some kind of stealth mode, where people can't see it. but you can log back in at any time and BOOM- it's all there.
(a little weird that you can't get rid of it, imo.)

anyway.....i didn't do it to be all cool, or to make people wonder, or because i'm taking a stand against people "living" on the internet (social network shoutout- what?)

i actually simply did it because of this: right now, my ulcerative colitis has pretty much taken over my life. i am in many ways as sick as i was last year. i am unable to work. unable to be with friends. unable to do much more than lay in bed reading, writing, trying to get strength back. when i'm not in my room, i'm just down in the family room. sometimes, i do laps around it. ooh.
so yeah.
because this illness has taken over, i just didn't want to subject everyone on facebook to hearing about it all. the. time.
and unfortunately, it was becoming that way.
for awhile i also was having a hard time watching everyone else my age go out and do normal "single people my age" things while i was stuck at home sick. the sicker i got, the more i felt trapped and like it was never going to change. i felt like i'd never have a social life. never get to date a guy. never get to go hiking, or camping, or on road trips. hell i could hardly make it down the stairs....and it wasn't getting any better. seeing everyone else going on trips and dating and just LIVING was hard. i wasn't bitter, because of course i'd never wish my situation on anybody. but i'd be lying if i said it didn't make me sad.

so, i figured, i'd check out of facebook until things changed.

well today, had an eye-opening chat with my specialist and he had an eye-opening chat with my dad, after basically trying to scare me into furthering my treatment plan. he told me that i worried him. that i would die from this, if i kept going. that i might lose my colon, etc. of course i just sort of fell apart. he said i needed to get an IV of the ChemoDrug NOW.

how was i to argue? anyway, i'd been feeling worse than ever and the prednisone was doing nothing for me. prednisone is a VERY powerful drug. this was a bad sign.

so anyway.....long story short....i am getting the ChemoDrug infusion. i have been praying, studying scriptures and listening to conference talks nonstop the last few days and you know what? it feels like the right thing. when i spoke to my dad on the phone, he reminded me of the many blessings i'd had that said i would live a normal life, and fully recover from this.
"that doesn't mean you won't have to use these means to recover," he told me. and he's right. and what's more....who cares how scary the drug is? can it be worse than this? i can barely get out of bed. i can barely eat. i can hardly keep the food down when i do. my back pain is excruciating. i am weak and tired and irritable. i am half dead! this is that point, my doctor said, where the benefits to the drug outweigh the risks.

so i am going to start the IV, hopefully within the next couple of days.
i think i'll leave facebook deactivated until i start noticing a difference. everyone on my friends list doesn't need to know about this, and most of them don't care. they have their own lives to worry about. i don't want to be that person who is always complaining on facebook. i don't want to watch everyone else live out their lives. i figure, i'll reactivate my facebook when i feel good enough to have positive posts again, and can use it to be in touch with friends when they can see me at my best. if they're interested in seeing me now, at my worst, that is up to them and that is awesome. but i don't want to subject anyone to this.

after all, this is my trial. i will bear it with the help of my family, and my savior. after all...He understands better than anyone.


hannabaorange said...

Aww honey I didn't realise things were SO bad for you now too!! (Sorry for my depressing ranting PM the other day... probably something you didn't need to read on top of everything else - I feel bad for that now! AND sorry for missing you on Skype - was eating dinner when you sent the message! :'( I feel awful I missed you when you needed to talk! <3 Sorry!!!)

That sucks so bad, I'm so sorry you're going through this again!!! :( You had it so bad last flare... man, life isn't fair sometimes!!!

I totally understand deactivating your FB... I felt exactly the same when I was stuck in bed watching everyone else live "normal" lives. It's depressing, and doesn't help you feel any better.

I am glad you're on the ChemoDrug now, even though I know how much you didn't want it - it is better than the alternative! And you're so right, it sounds like the benefits will outweight the risks for you right now. That's so scary that prednisone isn't working anymore! :/

Sending you love and hugs, and thinking of you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Lindzee said...

Found your blog from facebook. :) Man, that sucks, Rachel! If there's anything I can do for you, let me know. If you're up to visitors I'd love to pop in and get to know you a bit better. Call, text, or email me anytime!