Tuesday, February 14, 2012

the valentine's day that wasn't

last valentine's day was different than any other i'd had before.

it was the day derek and i decided to get a divorce.

we had talked and discussed and debated it to death. that day, i went to work. i got chocolates and cards from my kids at school. my engaged coworker talked about what she and her fiance's plans were.
"what are you and your husband doing tonight?" she finally asked me, all breathless with the joy that comes with new love.
i stared at her a moment.
my husband.
um...i'm not sure." i stammered. "dinner or something."

i was caught off-guard was all. my husband.

the words kept bouncing around in my head all day.

what am i going to do tonight? what am i going to do.

that night we talked. and i knew what i would do.

i would let him go.

i wasn't crying when i talked to him. you see, i had cried a little before. things never hit me right away so i sort of forced the tears. anyway, the real tears had been all through the last two years. there weren't tears now. there were just words.

he would no longer be my husband. oh i knew, if i had asked him to, he would stick around forever. he would honor that vow. the part of me that was afraid of what i'd become, that saw the shambles my personality now lay in, almost wanted to make him stay just for that.
just so i wouldn't be alone.

i told him to go. he only protested once. i told him to stop being so damn decent and go. please go. we had already taken two and a half years of each others' lives.

so he went.

it wasn't as hard as i'd have thought. once the growing pains of independence lessened, i was okay. we had both already hurt enough during the marriage, that the end was a relief.

it was the best valentine's day i've ever had. undoubtedly, he will agree.

i won't ever look at valentine's day the same way again. it's not like i don't love to celebrate love or something....it's just to me, it means so much more. it means freedom. it means independence. it means self-love, of the greatest kind.

happy valentine's day!

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