ugh,

i'm sitting here, after having called in sick to work, really trying to be positive.


let me say this first: i love my job. i know i was meant to get this job. it has changed me in ways that i would never have imagined. i love the kids i work with like they're my family.


but that's also why i'm struggling right now.....
i feel i was meant to have this job, yet i had to call in sick today. i don't have the strength to chase after a kid when they run, or block them from trying to sneak out the door, etc. the last few days of work have been a huge challenge and i'm so tired by the end that all i want to do is come home and sleep.


i have a month left until school is out for the summer, and i'm worried i won't make it one more month. i made the decision today that i cannot put off the colonoscopy any longer. with the amount i've had to call in sick, i might as well have taken the time off to get it done. i really just want to know 100% what is going on, and i can't wait another month till school ends.
it's just unfair to my boss and coworkers that i can't do some of the things i was hired to do because i'm too weak. all the same, i want nothing more than to keep this job. i've been anxious for summer break so i can get well, and return full-strength in the fall.


i need to start exercising little bits at a time to get my strength back. i've got to break this "sick" mental pattern. please pray for me. it's going to be hard to do, i will need all the help i can get.

i need people to believe in me :)