Thursday, April 19, 2012

the yearning for a normal life.

i hate to complain, and i really don't like feeling like someone who whines about the hand i've been dealt...
but sometimes you just have those days, and this is one of them.

i didn't go in to work today because i caught a bug from one of the boys i work with. that's another aspect of my illness, by the way. my weakened immune system is too busy destroying itself to fight off bugs the way it's supposed to, so i get sick a lot easier than most people.
oh, and the chemo makes it even between those things....if someone breathes on me and is sick, i'm pretty much guaranteed to get sick, too. i just keep thinking about having a normal life. when will i have one again? or will i at all? i had so much hope a couple of months ago when i began chemo treatment. that hope has gradually transformed into discouragement and even fear as the chemo has not helped in the way i was expecting. i'm afraid i'll have to end up getting surgery. but when i think of living the rest of my life this way, surgery seems reasonable. i don't like having to miss work. i don't like how exhausted i am at the end of every work day.

i don't like how many things i miss out on. this friday there's a big get-together for this group i'm part of on facebook. it's in park city and is the kind of get-together that will take energy i just don't have. not only that, but not knowing where the bathrooms are and being around a bunch of people i don't know just make attending the gathering impossible for me.

but oh, how much i want to go. how much i just want to do "normal" twenty-something activities without worrying about energy levels or bathrooms or pain.

it brings my thoughts back to dating, and how impossible it feels with this illness. who wants to be with someone who can't do normal twenty-something activities? who wants to hear about an illness as gross as mine? who would even want to bother? there are plenty of girls out there who would be so much easier for a guy to be with. not only that, but at the rate i have to "ditch out" of plans i make due to my health, i'm never going to get past a first date anyway.

i just want a normal life today. i want to go camping, and hiking. i want to have late nights watching movies. i want road trips and plane trips and backpacking through europe.

i want to get off of work, and NOT have all of my energy for the day already used up.

and there's my little boohoo for today. now that i've gotten that out, i need to remember all of the reasons i have to be positive and hopeful. i need to do some scripture study and prayer, and remind myself that this too shall pass. or at least get easier to deal with as time goes on.

fingers crossed.

1 comment:

jennsdaisypatch said...

Love you rache. And there are a million reasons you are worth it in dating...don't let yourself believe you aren't for even a second.