Tuesday, April 10, 2012

days that need to end...

sometimes, i just don't want to do it anymore.

i am surrounded by amazing people. but they are always the ones i end up hurting.

the fluctuation of my illness exhausts me emotionally. just when i think i've taken a step forward, i fall back three. i am tired of trying to be optimistic about it, tired of shrugging it off. i am tired of getting my hopes up and then having the door slammed on them. the constant rollercoaster of my health brings out the ugliness in me. i am short-tempered, snarky and selfish. and i despise it.

i deactivated my facebook account. this is the second time i've done so in all of the years i've had it. i hate the idea of anyone thinking i did so so that people would worry about me, or to get attention. i deactivated it because it is just too tempting to post a bunch of negative junk and wallow in the fact that everyone else my age has a life so different from mine right now.

when i feel i have a little better control of my emotions, i'll be back on. until then i just don't want anything to do with it.

sometimes i feel as though the only way life will get better is if i wake up one morning as a different person.
not likely to happen.

well, bed time for me. here's to hoping tomorrow is better.

1 comment:

hannabaorange said...

I'll miss you on FB! :( Plus you said your phone hasn't been working so I haven't texted cos I didn't know if you'll get it. Email me and let me know if your phone is working ok? :) Then we can text a little bit, and email. We don't need FB to stay in touch, and we can Skype too!

I completely understand not wanting to be on FB... I'm starting to feel like that... it makes me sad and a bit negative sometimes when I go on it. -_-

It's like you're reading my mind, seriously... but you're so much better than I am at putting it into words. But you know what? No matter how horrible you feel like you're being, those who are your true friends will see past that and love you anyway, you're probably not as bad as you think, and family, well they have to love you no matter what ;) And fyi, I think you're amazing no matter what :) x