days that need to end...

sometimes, i just don't want to do it anymore.

i am surrounded by amazing people. but they are always the ones i end up hurting.

the fluctuation of my illness exhausts me emotionally. just when i think i've taken a step forward, i fall back three. i am tired of trying to be optimistic about it, tired of shrugging it off. i am tired of getting my hopes up and then having the door slammed on them. the constant rollercoaster of my health brings out the ugliness in me. i am short-tempered, snarky and selfish. and i despise it.

i deactivated my facebook account. this is the second time i've done so in all of the years i've had it. i hate the idea of anyone thinking i did so so that people would worry about me, or to get attention. i deactivated it because it is just too tempting to post a bunch of negative junk and wallow in the fact that everyone else my age has a life so different from mine right now.

when i feel i have a little better control of my emotions, i'll be back on. until then i just don't want anything to do with it.

sometimes i feel as though the only way life will get better is if i wake up one morning as a different person.
not likely to happen.


well, bed time for me. here's to hoping tomorrow is better.