Wednesday, September 12, 2012

something's gotta give

sometimes i really think, other people's lives must be so simple. it must be simple to wake up NOT in pain, not sick to your stomach. NOT having to fight a battle to get yourself out of bed. sometimes i see people on facebook or whatever talking about their problems, and i wonder how it would really be to have those problems. what if my biggest issue every day was if i was going to make it to the gym after work, or who i was going to hang out with...or even some assignment for some class...those are all normal twenty-four year old person problems. what would it be like? the sad thing is, i can't hardly remember what it was like before this and it's only been (almost) two years.

at risk of sounding grandiose, let me say here that i realize there are obviously people who have it worse than i do. lots of people. but lately i've felt i have it pretty bad. a year ago i was able to fight this battle without it draining me both physically and mentally/emotionally. i used to try and just do everything anyway, even if i didn't feel up to it (which wasn't exactly smart OR what my doctors wanted me to do, but i digress)
these days, i just can't. my body is tired from this battle. since i first got sick, i haven't really made any improvement. the amount of damage and stress from this is huge.

i'll be meeting with a surgeon soon. all of my doctors recommend it now. even the ER doctors i've seen. a year ago, surgery was something i wouldn't even allow myself to consider but now, after living this way with absolutely NO break from it, NO improvement...i think it's time to look into it. one of my doctors told me that with the absolute crappy (no pun intended ha) quality of life i've had for the last nearly two years, surgery could seem like a miracle for me. i could be like a normal twenty-four year old. i feel like so much time has been wasted sick and i don't want to let anymore slip by. i'm afraid of surgery, but i'm afraid of continuing to live life like this. i honestly don't know how long i can keep it up before something gives.

so, that's that.


hannabaorange said...

Surgery will be like a miracle for you, compared to what you've been living with, anything is an improvement. What sort of surgery do they want to do? Will it be removing a part of your bowel, but you'll retain function, or will you have a bag? I know lots of people now who have bags, and it's not the end of the world. If it means you can have a life near normal, it's worth it. I hope it all works out for you <3 Skype date soon, yes? x

thankyoueverso said...

Yes, Skype soon! I miss you! I've been horribly antisocial lately.