in which It returns....

alright, so let's get to the point.

i am in a flare again, and it is BAD.


i thought the one i had last year was extreme because of how long i had it without treatment or something....
yeah, apparently not. this is already almost as bad.

and what do you think the first thing i did was? did i stand up straight and shout out, "wooo! i can do this! bring it on! i have learned so much and i am ready!"


unfortunately, no. not even close. i actually freaked out.
like, crying and losing it freak out.
see, when you have an illness that you're told you will ALWAYS have...well...it takes a long time to sink in that that's true. it's hard to imagine when you're twenty-four and have always had perfect health, that something this debilitating will be part of your life forever now. it took me months to "think" i had accepted it.

think, being the key word.

i didn't accept it. because when the symptoms came back, i kept telling myself it was the flu. a flare up? nah. i'd just had one. couldn't be happening again so soon.

yep, it could. it did. or is, rather. happening right now. my immune system is back to kicking my body's ass full time. it's pretty good at it, too. it's like my body is the bully and my immune system is the mma fighter on bully beatdown.
pwned.

so anyway, i did freak out a bit. i had a little pity party. there was some part of me that thought foolishly that when i started feeling better months ago, that it would never come back. like i said, even when you're told an illness is chronic and will rear its head at random times in your life...it is hard to accept. so you take the fact and tuck it away, and think you've dealt with it...

sigh...this time i really have to deal with it. after a very disheartening doctor's visit today, i realized that it certainly won't help me any if i wig out like this EVERY time i flare. no doubt the emotional strain makes my condition worse. and really, some people have said they admire me for my attitude and you know what? if i'm going to be sick, i'm going to be the girl that lives each day to the fullest regardless. i won't be unrealistic and try to do things i can't or can't at the time rather....but i am also not going to sit around thinking about how sick i am and making sure everyone knows it. who wants to be around that all day? no one. i don't want that for my family, my friends, and you know what? i don't want that for me.
i deserve better.
i will DO better.
this is not a death sentence. the "chemo pills" are not a death sentence. i have been given blessings that were so promising....that is all i need to focus on right now. that, and getting well. if more of my hair falls out, whatever. i'll survive. i am so much more than my body. the illness of this vessel will NOT hold me back my whole life.

also, during my last bad flare....i made so much progress as a person, helped so many people by example and honestly, it was one of the most wonderful times of my life, pain aside. i need to look at this once again, as an opportunity for growth.

it's not going to take me five years to figure this out, either. i am going to figure it out FAST. i am going to drill it into my head until it is always THERE. i'm going to be somebody people look up to rather than feel sorry for.

isn't that better, anyway? anyone can be a victim. to rise above your trials is the unique thing.



and i am going to do it.