tomorrow's the day! i go in at five-thirty am. i'm his first surgery of the day, which i think is good! i've been on a liquid diet for the past two days, and after midnight tonight i can't have ANYTHING, including water. and the first few days after surgery i won't be eating much, either. they'll slowly work me up to eating normally. i'm already missing food :P
i have everything ready and prepared that i need, except for my bag of stuff i'm taking with me. i've got all of the technical registration stuff taken care of. i've been shaking nonstop since the nurse called me and told me my surgery time. i don't think i'll even end up sleeping tonight, because we will have to leave nearly an hour early to get there on time. lately it's almost impossible for me to fall asleep and i stay asleep for maybe an hour at a time. and every morning, it takes me at least an hour to feel "normal" after waking. i just don't know that i want to have to do that whole process at like four am, so yeah...i may be pulling an all-nighter here. i'll be sleeping plenty the next few days anyway.
i've had people reach out to me in such amazing ways, and gotten letters and messages from people who i didn't know were thinking of me at all. so many uplifting words and so much support. i'm really blessed to have so many people who care about me. i'm determined to get through this smiling, no matter how much pain i'm in and how much i hate having a bag at first. trust me, i've already thought of a lot of bag jokes and whatnot because i never want to be someone who takes themselves too seriously to laugh at themselves. hmm. that sentence reads weird. anywho! i made a video to remind myself that this IS worth it and the right choice, so that if i'm miserable and doubting myself at any point from here on out, that i will remember that i WANTED to do this. more than that, that i NEED to.
i've been reading a lot of blogs and watching videos of people who have gone through this. it's a great comfort, and i think i need to document all of this better myself, because if it could help someone else that would be amazing. i'm nervous about the pain, and i've read lots of accounts where people say that they had a nurse be stingy with pain meds. i told my mom she has to fight for me if necessary in a situation like that because i don't want to be dying of pain, and have someone be all weird about it, and be unable to speak for myself because i'm too out of it. so i have my parents to speak for me and make sure that i'm taken care of. i'm sure i will be, it's just nervewracking to read these kinds of things because yeah, it's major surgery and it's already a LOT to go through. i don't want there to be weird little things to make it any worse. i just want to get through it as soon as possible. i also told my mom i really don't want to be pressured by anyone to leave the hospital if i feel it's too early. i've learned over the last two years with this illness, that i'd rather be safe than sorry. if safe means a longer hospital stay, so be it. but this is helping shape the rest of my life and i want it done right!
anyway....i'm going to get my stuff together for tomorrow. i've spent half of the day in the bathroom, i'm in a TON of pain right now and the pred side-effects are more annoying than ever. so....i'm ready for this.