in just a month and a few days from now, i am having the j-pouch surgery.
it is the first in a two-surgery process. the first one is supposedly the hardest...i will be staying in the hospital for a week or so while i recover. it's so close to christmas...i don't know what kind of condition i'll be in at that time. it is a MAJOR surgery, and i'm terrified.
but i'm also hopeful. if all goes well, it will give me my life back. and i really want my life back.
this is the end of the road. i have not responded to any other treatments and my doctor told me that it is inevitable to get colon cancer with how sick i am, it's just a matter of time. he also said the treatments i am taking/doing are poisoning me...i already knew that, but having it reiterated was good...because i kept trying to talk myself out of having this, and i literally can't. if i don't get this surgery, this disease/the treatments will kill me.
all i can think about is all of the blessings i've had. i'm thinking about next summer, and how i will actually be able to go CAMPING by then. i think about being able to work full-time with my kids without getting so run down that i end up sick every two weeks. the surgery is scary...they are taking out my entire colon.
but i will be able to feel twenty-four again. to have some kind of life and move forward.
so, forward is where i go.