i really didn't let myself think that too much, until it became so obvious. but mark my words on this. "friends" change colors and words when your life is about surviving and gets cut down to the very bare necessities of life rather than the fun and the excess and the things that sometimes you have to learn to do without because you just can't handle them right now, when you're fighting for your life.
some friends are truly not friends at all, they cannot be there for you with this. it can be disappointing and it can hurt, but you don't have the energy to spare on getting all righteously offended either- so you move on.
or else you should.
but i digress, and go on.
life is, as they so fondly say....about to change.
at this point, everything and anything and all there is in my life and existence is all leading up to this one thing:
the time until the surgery, the next couple of weeks....they're nothing really. they're time that glides on by with no significance. nothing real can happen, life will begin again, with the surgery.
so for two weeks i await in limbo, as patient as i can.
once the first surgery is over, there is recovery. there is the realization that i won't have to plan a life around being deathly ill. then, the final surgery will bring the "normalcy", and i will be ready for it when it does. i will be ready to embrace waking up early in the mornings, exercising before work...working long days and spending long nights out reclaiming a social life i've let slip since this illness took over two years ago. i have a lot of reclamation to do once the surgeries have begun and my life begins to be given back to me, piece by piece.
i have to be ready for it. i am ready for it.
there will be no wasting time.
i'll be back and ready to LIVE.
and in this living, i will have a list of Things Most Important. things i've already missed. things i will never leave left undone because of some excuse- no. after having such a major and life-changing surgery, excuses are no longer going to be a part of my existence so long as i can help it.
i want that solid group of people around me who have cared even when my health limitations and fighting this war my body is literally waging upon itself, has been consuming me. you learn who really cares for you when they stick around through stuff like that. and to those people i say, you know i will ALWAYS be there for YOU. i most certainly hope that any and all lessons i have been meant to take away from this whole thing, will make me someone who can be valuable to another person who ends up suffering, whether in situations extremely similar to my own, or situations completely different but that i can STILL understand from impulses born through the empathetic nature i've been blessed to acquire.
i just hope, as i go into surgery as literally being born again...starting life over, a clean slate...that there are a couple of people i can take into that life with me. people who decided to stick around because they thought something worthwhile was buried in me all along, or buried in a connection we could potentially have someday.
basically, i could go it alone....but i'd rather not. if you have stayed my friend through all of this, including times when i may have intentionally alienated myself from people because it was the only defense mechanism i felt fluent enough to cope in....well....if you're still around when i begin my new life,
i hope you join me. i hope my life can touch others' for good, and that theirs can influence mine. i want to embark on a full life, with a lust for freedom and adventure and just JOY that have been smothered down by my body's raging internal war these last two years.
i am ready to live again. i invite you to join me. i hope to find that i have maybe a couple more true friends than i think. and regardless of whichever way that sways, i am going to have more. i will have more because i intend to seek out those kinds of friendships and connections, because they make life rich. and i am going to build a rich life. a full life. i won't waste anymore time.
just two weeks, and everything will change. two weeks and i'm starting afresh. my hopes, dreams and goals will no longer float above my head, barely slipping from my grasp. i will hold them all close, and never let them go.
i am going to live, live, live.
LIVE with me!