Tuesday, November 20, 2012

remember yourself

this last while has been exceptionally, extremely meh.

and i am so disappointed in myself that it has been.

for some reason a couple of months ago, i just stopped. stopped pretty much everything in my life. it's like my personality shut off or went into hiding or something. unless i was at work. the last couple of months, i have loved being there and being with my kids almost more than ever.

but at home, everywhere else....it's like i've gone into hibernation or something. i have spent a lot of time reading, which isn't bad...but when i'm NOT reading, i feel in a daze almost constantly. i am short-tempered, bored nearly all of the time, have barely any interest in music or things i used to enjoy....

i'm disappointed in myself.

the thing is, i've been told many times that unfortunately, this is probably 95% the fault of prednisone. it's such a wicked drug. i've been on it for a few months straight now, at a pretty high dosage, because it is the only thing that has kept me out of the hospital and alive. but it has ugly psychological and physical side-effects. i've heard several doctors refer to it frankly as "poison". my temper has been especially hard for me to deal with, because i feel like i'm constantly at this boiling point, waiting to explode.

and see, it doesn't matter to me if this has happened because of prednisone. it doesn't matter. because when you read stories about people going through horrible, hard things...and they smile through it anyway, and still love life and are a joy to those around them....you're always hoping that if something horrible happened, that would be you. i think there's a part of all of us that thinks it would be us no matter what, because we want to think better of ourselves than being the person who succumbs to being depressed and glum and maybe even bitter.

unfortunately, that's been me for a large part of the last while. in december i will have been sick for two whole years, but for the first year and a half of that time, i had a pretty good attitude. i kept up with life more than my doctors said i really had the capacity for. i smiled and was pretty cheerful through the pain, and the endless time in the bathroom, and the ugly side-effects of prednisone and the other drugs i've had to take.

but lately, i've let myself down. the time i recognize myself best has been when i'm at work, with my kids. when things have been hard, i have had them to look forward to. i know they love me even when i'm tired and puffy-faced and rundown. today was my last day at work until after i recover from surgery, however. it was really hard for me to go for many reasons, the above being one of them. it's not really for that long, and i'll be better than ever equipped to do my job after the surgery...but this is exactly what i'm talking about...i am just not getting through all of this as well as i'd hoped i would, and that's hard to face and admit.

i have exactly a week until surgery. i don't want to spend my last week before then like a drone. i really want to try and enjoy myself and be happy because this is almost over, and i don't want to just sit here miserable until it is. there are lots of people who have it worse. there are people who have fought really hard to have a few months more of life. i NEED to find value and joy this last week of this and during my recovery, or i'm going to be really disappointed in myself.

i need to make a list for thanksgiving of everything i'm thankful for, including and especially a workplace that has been SO understanding of my illness and that is welcoming me back when this is over. i have the love of all of those kids to pull me through. i want to be able to be someone worthy of that love.

i need to remember that.

1 comment:

jennsdaisypatch said...

you are so honest and brave. Don't forget that, kid :)